Finding hope during Lent

My last post was all technical and depressing. I know that(I didn't say it was hopeful or happy). I need to keep up with this blog for my sanity now. I didn't realize how fragile that is when you have to hunt to find hope in a hopeless environment. I was crying last night to Mr. Thorn that I feel like I have failed at being a wife, a mother, a teacher and a business owner. I can't be spread this thin for this many years. I feel very solitary when I feel everyone has a new baby or is pregnant. I want to be happy for everyone, I want to feel nothing but what a supportive friend would feel.
My kids had to live through this whole death/expensive funeral/disinheritance thing with Mr. Thorn and I and it is showing in their behavior. Acting out, not motivated to do school work, etc. They were even being disrespectful at my mom's yesterday(it was awful). So last night I told Mr. Thorn that we need to find a way to build our family back up, find some peace in our home and pray that God helps us recover financially from the blow we have been dealt. I am finding so much comfort reading IF/MC blogs and offering up my suffering for them. Otherwise, I feel my pain is in vain. I always pray for my family who have not yet accepted Christ and those away from the church but I never see any change there, so I keep praying and try not to let discouragement overwhelm me.
One prayer was answered, sort of. I asked God to allow the truth to come out about this whole inheritance thing and it is almost there. There are still many unanswered questions but most of he family knows this old lady took us all to the cleaners. For whatever that is worth.
I have to muster the strength to carry on and teach and get on the ball with my business and hope God will carry me because I am totally incapable of doing anything with conviction or purpose right now.

More pregnancies and hope for whatever comes

I learned that 3 of my blog friends, all have had issues with IF and/or M/C, are now expecting. Two of my local friends have just given birth too(with some reproductive issues as well). In my weakest moments, this would make me sad and wonder why I have such extreme fear and wondering who can possibly help me(my last dr appointment went something like "this is a spiritual battle you are waging, you need spiritual help, someone who can pray for you, the evil one didn't even want you here today, trust me"...yeah....this is why I have been quiet on the posting front). So....we pray our family rosary all the time for my friends who are pregnant, experienced the loss of miscarriage or cannot conceive. I had one of those very weak moments yesterday when my young dd whispers to me at the mall that she gets sad when she sees girls with little sisters and she was sorry she felt that way. Sigh. Then as we are driving last night, Mr. Thorn and I were discussing the current state of things, fertility-wise, I started tearing up and I'm trying to keep composure in front of the kids. I told him I don't know if anyone prays for us(when it comes to children). Just then this HUGE family of deer were out in total view, very close to our van and stared right at us. There were at least 6-8 deer. So all night I wondered, we prayed, and I realized God hasn't given up on me yet. I can't give up on me.
I also was able to stop by my friends who just gave birth on Thursday(a month early) and it was just so special. He was so little, so perfectly made and her next youngest dd was so in awe of this little guy. It was so cute and so powerful to see God's work. So, I continue to thank God for the children I have, I ask that if my days are over, please take this desire away(it remains) and I am inspired by the women who surround me who have beat the odds, relied on God's grace and have amazing stories of fear, hope and loss. I hope those who are in a similar situation like I am, may realize that God's signs to us are all around. He works through others, and through nature. Be open to Him, always pray for the truth and continue to hope.

What's wrong with you?

I haven't posted in too long. I've been busy with work, homeschool to-do-list and life. No one tells you homeschool can be a lonely place. I'm posting this for my sanity and to make sense of it. I have prayed for a lonnnnnng time about homeschool and I didn't take the plunge until I was certain this is what God wants for us. Money has been beyond hard. It seems as if it became much worse after I decided to homeschool. I don't know why. I have many "don't know why's" in my life lately. I'm not trying to come out of the woodwork to be a downer, but I'm also not going to post about how happy and smiley life is if it's a lie. I like truth, even when it's not pretty. I know most if not all of the people around me think I have lost it wanting to homeschool. Honestly, we couldn't afford private school anymore(even if it was still an option). Both Mr. Thorn and I work in jobs that are sales based, not salary. So when sales aren't there, we have no money. So, I am going into this homeschool, totally relying on God to lead us and provide for us, because I can't do it anymore. I can still run my business but not with the same amount of time I did before. I am hoping for miracles because I can't see, with my realistic eyes, a way for this to work. I am trusting that God sees how this will work. I have taken many leaps like this in the past but this one will have a huge impact on my children. So we are off, come what may and I really don't have a plan B.

On another note, I had another 40 day cycle. I had two rounds of labs drawn and no progesterone spike to signal the big P(even though chart was great and CM) so I am scheduled for an ultrasound this week. I'm so busy with life that I don't have time to fret over what may be wrong. I will keep you all posted.
I don't want to be discouraged, I want to have hope and be thankful. I know where fear comes from, and doubt. It is a struggle to keep them at bay. I will post on my homeschool/personal blog this week and update regularly since we are starting soon, ordering books, etc.

I can't do this. Any of this. Without God.

Back to the baby board

I have a NFP/dr appointment. Now granted, I have thyroid and adrenal issues I need to take care of but I can't believe I am going back into this minefield. I hate to admit I don't have good charting. I haven't been temping since my M/C. I know I will get scolded for these things. I believe I had a good 10CL on CD12 and 13 this month which is awesome for me. I used to be CD 17 or worse. I will keep you all posted on what comes of this. I have a designer friend of mine who has had 4 M/C and is preg in 16 weeks. Sometimes hope sucks. I mean that to be part humorous and part serious. I still have hope. At 41 with 3 miscarriages under my belt, I still believe we may welcome another life some day. I need to get back to praying about this more. Most of my energy has been focused in praying for some other people close to me and for my blog friends that they may get and maintain a pregnancy. What if I still can? What if God is leading me there? I don't know anymore. I'm going into the wild blue with this homeschool thing so who knows.
My diet stinks. Stress does that to me. I cannot get healthy and pregnant(and carry to term) alone. No way. It will take serious divine intervention on this. Ora pro nobis.

Pain is real(finding hope)

I should be excited about the upcoming first communion. I have been crying, upset by things that I really have no control over. The closer I get to the day the twins would have been born, the more heartbreak and hurt I feel. I try not to bring down those around me because they can't possibly understand what I am going through. How many women have lost 4 babies in less than three years? Because of our anti-life society, I am expected to suck it up and get over it. This last one(miscarriage) was harder. I am getting older, my kids(especially my youngest) still so much want another little one in our family.

To those who wonder why I would want to be pregnant again, who think I cause to much pain to my family, my children and those around me, I offer this explanation. How would we ever know of God's mercy and goodness if He didn't allow pain, loss and suffering? With what would we compare? Sometimes I forget to thank God for the suffering, storms and torment because it is through these experiences that I see the blessings and miracles God gives me. The "storms" have been coming at rapid-fire speed lately. I search for comfort and find little or none. My mom has reminded me that when the torments come often and in numbers, something good is about to happen. The evil one somehow knows this and wants to disturb our soul and cast doubt. It is hard to see when I am in the thick of it, but I know this is true. One day, when I am brave, I will share some of these occurrences. Not for myself but because I know others suffer through such supernatural torments and there is very little(online) to give comfort. Trust me, I have looked. In the meantime, I am going to try and stay focused on my family, homeschool prep, my business and my faith(in not any particular order).

There is a branch on our huge shade tree that broke off(dead) during the hurricane last year. It has new leaves budding on it. We had rose bushes in our front yard that never bloomed or grew much more than a stub. This spring, they are huge(huge-huge). On the other hand, the tiny pine that I bought from Harry and David as a memory tree for the twins, died. Not as my will sees fit but as You will, Father. God can give life and hope where there is none. I see these things around me and hope they help for now.

Can I get a "Woot!"?

We made it through the night without incident. Yeah baby! Funny how the littlest things get me happy now. Yeah, no one threw up! Ha ha. I am enjoying my coffee and warm goat's milk and debating on getting warm on the couch for a bit. I'm relieved the birthday thing is over. And....I connected with my long-lost BFF from college last night! We found each other on Facebook. There are officially lots of bloggers on there so if you want an add, comment here and I will not publish your comment but look you up on Facebook(need a name) and add you to my list.
I'm determined to get back to the real world this weekend. I'm back on my food plan(no cake, no drinks) and I can feel the energy back in my system. Odd how that works. I am going to work today and if I feel up to it, fabric shop for my business and have lunch with my mom. This is how liberating it is to make it past that dumb birthday(with no one getting sick...lol).

Fr. Corapi and ha ha ha

As we prepare to enter a new era in politics and perhaps society in general, keep something in mind: WE WIN! No matter what political party is in power at a given point in time, in the end those that remain faithful to Jesus Christ win the war. We may have to fight many battles outnumbered and even despised and looked upon as criminals and outcasts by a society that is unraveling and degenerating into something no one could have imagined.
What matters is that we run the race to the finish line and fight the good fight. Don't "go with the flow", for as the great Archbishop Fulton Sheen reminds us, "Dead bodies float downstream." More than ever we shall have to be strong in the faith. Regular and worthy reception of the sacraments, constant prayer, and rigorous study of the faith is now essential, not merely a luxury.

That email from Fr. Corapi was a breath of fresh air. It's funny, in a serious way. We know who wins in the end. I had many well-wishers on Facebook, a pretty card from Mr. Thorn and right now, my new goal for my birthday is to get through the next "whatever"(night, day, weekend) without a kid throwing up. Sounds reasonable, no? I picked up the kids only to hear some dumb kid threw up on my youngest(what makes a kid not get to the bathroom or, more insane, yack on the kid next to them?) If I get through this, I will be happy, happy, happy. I have two up on couches with a bucket(nothing yet) and one recuperating in his room from being ill earlier in the week(and took a half day today).

I just had to share that email from Fr. Corapi...WE WIN. Thank God. So we are going into the new "thing" next week but we should play cards, bake cookies or pray on Tuesday instead of fretting over the news coverage. I'm going to try. Ha ha. Try. For now, I'm praying Hail Mary's I get through this night without fretting. One day at a time...

It may suck but it will be wonderful

Oddly enough that is the message for today. How that crept into my brain at Mass this morning is beyond me. After prayer and some tears, I felt this sense of relief knowing that last year sucked and this year may very well suck too but there is this sense of comfort knowing I am not in control, God is my guide. The wonderful aspect of that message is that even when thing look dismal and barren, God's plan for me and His care for me is so much better than what I am capable of accomplishing. If life was bubble gum, sunshine and pink hearts 24/7, how much would we take for granted? How bored would we become? How many souls could we convert to Christ? Our suffering is a gateway for not just our salvation but those whose lives we enter.
I gazed at the Infant of Prague today and felt this soothing comfort. Suffering is okay. Those babies I lost served a grand purpose. Their mommy wants so badly to be with them forever that I have a fixed vision on heaven. That's my home, where they are. I am not one that buys the limbo thing..."perhaps they are in heaven" is more palatable. If it is a soul, it is not "born" because it did not have that freedom, what would keep this tiny child from being with God forever? Anyway, I know that is a whole new topic but I could not get through one day thinking these 4 souls are in some vacuum, never to see God or mommy. That's all.
So the moral of today has become this(in a nutshell): Sometimes a day, week or year sucks(for lack of a better term to describe "yuck and bad"). But those days when the sun comes out, warms my face, the bills get paid and I have time to cry, smile and thank God I have another day to live in His care, those things make the times that are dark seem necessary.
So this little Infant of Prague, dressed so regal, needs me to know that life may suck but it will be wonderful. This is, of course, my brain translating this important message in the way my brain works. I may be relaying this account all wrong and forgive me if it seems irreverent or without meaning. It hit me hard and has helped me to understand the necessity of suffering. I believe in uniting our suffering to that of Christ's and that suffering is a gift from God to share in his mercy and salvation for man. But that does not always help plug through life with pain, piles of bills and unresolved hurt and sorrow. Life can be awful and marvelous simultaneously if we take up that cross, notice the sweetness along the way and the vision of eternity with God at the end. If my vision includes tiny babies whose mother has yearned to see them again for years to get through her suffering and dark times, then I will keep that in my arsenal of spiritual aids. Ever since that day I felt them "peeking at me through sunbeams in the heavens" I have a clearer goal and a path I can follow.

Still alive

I have been nauseous and sleepy but overly thankful to being feeling symptoms. I barely made it through Mass today. I have less than 2 days before I go to the OB with dh to see how things are progressing. I'm preparing to hear the "advanced maternal age" line and just hope for a heartbeat(something I have not heard in almost 8 years). I am glad that I won't be alone. I am really trying hard not to be nervous, but I am human and it is so hard not to worry. I keep trying to brainwash myself that this time is different and to look at how utterly crappy(i.e., symptomatic) I feel. This works sometimes. I am trying to do as I tell my kids and "offer it up".
We were in Columbus all day Thursday and I was so wiped out after that. I forget how this prometrium takes the wind out of you. I am struggling to stay awake right now and I need to get a roast in the oven(which sounds horrid at the moment). The food plan is not going well. Most of the time I don't feel like eating anything. And when I do eat, 20 minutes later, the nausea kicks in big time. So it is a battle of yuck vs. ick. It is taking a tremendous amount of trust in God and some days are better than others. Some days it is impossible to get out of bed or off the couch. I have a huge wholesale order to complete and I need to get motivated for that and to finish my spring line...period. There is no backup. I am it. I will post when I have some results or news from the OB. I pray it is hopeful and good.

Not giving up...

I still pray, everyday, for the gift of life. Hope keeps me going.

Better days

I'm feeling much more chipper today. As dang cold as it is and as much work as I have on my plate, I have found some comfort in going to Mass today and spending some time with family. The kids were happy, Mr. Thorn pretended to be happy and I adopted a pet project for Lent(I'm going to be a prayer warrior for someone special). I have a warm house(warm enough) and I'm praying that those who do not will find some shelter for the night(including the little animals/pets).
I have a busy week ahead and need to stay disciplined and focussed. Let's see how I do with that. Ha. My blogging may be sparse until I get a huge store order out of here. Tomorrow is Our Lady of Lourdes feast day and I hope to go to Mass in the morning. Better start that van early, I'm sure it will be just as cold as today. Jessica has some great ideas for things to do with the kids for this day. She is so creative!

Is it Lent yet?

I'm being facetious. Things just happen, I have to think that God is molding me and making me into what He has planned for me. It shouldn't be hard but it is. I asked God to lead me and I should be content knowing He is taking care of me and guiding me. I spent the better part of the day in the family drama, in tears and frustrated. One thing I took from this...I am beyond fortunate not to have a psycho husband. I am half serious about this. I have witnessed in our family(my family and my husband's) such crazy and erratic behavior. I question what would bring a person to that place, to give it all up and for what? I am one who believes you should fight and make up in front of your children. That to me is healthy. They see the reality of marriage and relationships. It's couples that never fight(or communicate) or who fight and the kids never get to see a resolution that scare me. Eh. We fight, we make up, we hold hands, we play fight, we tease....it works for us. We probably don't realize we aren't normal. That's the funny part. One thing I am very thankful for, my parish(my new home). We are gradually spending more time there and hope to get more involved. It's tough integrating the new "Latin" crowd in and I'm being patient and thankful. I can't be anything else. We have an amazing priest and some wonderful people involved there. We will be looking into the school this week and I am praying for guidance. I am so very thankful for my faith. If I was a pagan, I'd probably just cry, make a voodoo doll and get some wild herbs to make a potion. The rosary and kissing my husband and babies is so much healthier. Sigh...I just but I do need to pick my chins up and move on. I will just hope. That is enough for now.

Something is up...

I went to Mass at the Cathedral today and something my mom and I observed has me thinking. Father had to move the daily Mass to the main body of the Cathedral because so many people are coming that they had to put out chairs in the chapel. Hmmm. For anyone local, the daily Mass there has always been simple but always "abuse-free" and while that may not be important to some, I know that I and others I have talked to agree that it helps to focus on the sacrifice of the Mass.

There is always a mix there of different types of people but I think that is what I have always loved about the Cathedral. Could it be there is a subtle return to the solemnity and beauty of the liturgy in the Covington diocese? Can you sense the hopefulness in my tone?

I was so glad to get out today, away from my pile of orders and work. It is dangerous for me to be home alone until I have a diagnosis because I start Googling and researching and well, it's depressing. Yesterday I did lift the whole ball of wax up to God, as I alone can't do anything about this mess. I want to stay hopeful. A little Christmas shopping at Tuesday Morning helped better my mood a bit too.

How do you hope?

We haven't found my parents dog yet. We have had some spottings, some leads, none have panned out. There is such a bizarre spiritual component and it makes dealing with this even harder. My kids keep praying and hoping and they have such confidence that Tawny will come back and that we will find her. I, on the other hand, have this human condition where I look at the other times lately that I have experienced loss and grief and see this going that same path...no happy ending. Maybe I am feeling beat up. I understand the meaning of suffering and why God allows it. It is the relentless suffering and the loss of happiness and hope that I'm not handling. I should be able to but I am failing miserably. It could be stress, lack of sleep of any of the other myriad of components that have me feeling overwhelmed. I want so bad to trust and to put things in God's hands. I did that with the baby and the baby is with God now. Not once but twice. I'm sure it would be best not to judge a moment or event on past history, I'm just not very good at it. Thank you all for the prayers. My hope is to see the good that comes from this if there is no happy ending.

Update on levels

The doctor's office had the final results and they are hCG of 15,213(after the 1,143 on 9/07) . Not the best news. I caved this morning, cried, resigned myself to a failed pregnancy and tried to get on with my day. I have had a bizarre "flutter" in my very low abdomen off and on today, no spotting, no real cramping of any sort. I go back tomorrow for more blood work. The hCG levels begin tapering off at this point so I'm not sure what a good number would be, I have prayed and followed the advice of many who have suggested devotions and prayers and it really helped today. Maybe God does want a miracle for us. My mom told her hairdresser today about what is going on with us and he said we were like "Job". Maybe. I still have too much to be thankful for so I don't see it that way. It is bringing our family closer and I appreciate my little ones running around here all the more right now. When you are truly pro-life, it is hard to ever imagine just not having another child. It's like breathing. My opinion, I know, but I believe it. Thanks again for all the well wishes and prayers. It has given me incredible strength during a difficult time.

Do Not Be Afraid

(Borrowed from Amber)
Just what I needed
After a long day of tears and loss of hope, I stumbled upon this entry about Matthew 14: 22-36. I told my mom today that the hardest part of this pain is knowing I have no priest to help me through, no one to talk to. Some of you may not understand that but it is a very difficult time for me as I have no spiritual direction. The lesson: do not ever take a good and holy parish priest for granted. When life is full of uncertainties and darkness, God will use them to help make sense of things that are senseless. I want that hope and part of my life back but I don't know when or where that will happen. They are truly a gift from God. Thank you, Amber, for sharing your insight on this scripture.