Thursday, April 30, 2009

Pain is real(finding hope)

I should be excited about the upcoming first communion. I have been crying, upset by things that I really have no control over. The closer I get to the day the twins would have been born, the more heartbreak and hurt I feel. I try not to bring down those around me because they can't possibly understand what I am going through. How many women have lost 4 babies in less than three years? Because of our anti-life society, I am expected to suck it up and get over it. This last one(miscarriage) was harder. I am getting older, my kids(especially my youngest) still so much want another little one in our family.

To those who wonder why I would want to be pregnant again, who think I cause to much pain to my family, my children and those around me, I offer this explanation. How would we ever know of God's mercy and goodness if He didn't allow pain, loss and suffering? With what would we compare? Sometimes I forget to thank God for the suffering, storms and torment because it is through these experiences that I see the blessings and miracles God gives me. The "storms" have been coming at rapid-fire speed lately. I search for comfort and find little or none. My mom has reminded me that when the torments come often and in numbers, something good is about to happen. The evil one somehow knows this and wants to disturb our soul and cast doubt. It is hard to see when I am in the thick of it, but I know this is true. One day, when I am brave, I will share some of these occurrences. Not for myself but because I know others suffer through such supernatural torments and there is very little(online) to give comfort. Trust me, I have looked. In the meantime, I am going to try and stay focused on my family, homeschool prep, my business and my faith(in not any particular order).

There is a branch on our huge shade tree that broke off(dead) during the hurricane last year. It has new leaves budding on it. We had rose bushes in our front yard that never bloomed or grew much more than a stub. This spring, they are huge(huge-huge). On the other hand, the tiny pine that I bought from Harry and David as a memory tree for the twins, died. Not as my will sees fit but as You will, Father. God can give life and hope where there is none. I see these things around me and hope they help for now.

5 comments:

Beth said...

Ahhh I'm so sorry Thornie - I will pray for you and your family.

cordelia said...

the urge to have more babies is overpowering at times...i understand...as a priest once told me this is natural for women and not selfish at all...my heart breaks for you. i too, try to remember that i am blessed to have the 3 children i have...so i count this as my cross to bear...but dang, i wish i could carry it and not drag it. hugs.

Laura The Crazy Mama said...

I still have that desire and I have six living babies. It's not selfish. It's not "natural" for them to have died before they got a shot at life. I don't know what to say other than I feel sorry for your sadness. I so hope for you to have a new life in your home.

andnotbysight said...

I'm so sorry. What you said about the storms makes a lot of sense. I'll be praying for you that the good things happen soon!

Mrs. L said...

How many times can I say, I KNOW how you feel?! My neighbor is expecting and my friend is expecting as well and our due dates would have been just two weeks apart with the last baby I gave to God so quickly. When I see both of these ladies, my heart is pricked with a little pain of suffering, but I have learned, that when I am able to offer this truly up in union with Christ, that the suffering turns into the most sweetest time! If you ever want to talk more about this please feel free to email me. (I could talk on and on about my two little ones in heaven:) Well, I will be praying for you. Also, one devotion that (surprisingly) helped me greatly was completing a thirty day novena to St. Joseph. I have been able to clear certain anxieties from my mind about having more children, loss etc after St. Joseph’s help. God Bless you in your suffering!