Finding hope during Lent

My last post was all technical and depressing. I know that(I didn't say it was hopeful or happy). I need to keep up with this blog for my sanity now. I didn't realize how fragile that is when you have to hunt to find hope in a hopeless environment. I was crying last night to Mr. Thorn that I feel like I have failed at being a wife, a mother, a teacher and a business owner. I can't be spread this thin for this many years. I feel very solitary when I feel everyone has a new baby or is pregnant. I want to be happy for everyone, I want to feel nothing but what a supportive friend would feel.
My kids had to live through this whole death/expensive funeral/disinheritance thing with Mr. Thorn and I and it is showing in their behavior. Acting out, not motivated to do school work, etc. They were even being disrespectful at my mom's yesterday(it was awful). So last night I told Mr. Thorn that we need to find a way to build our family back up, find some peace in our home and pray that God helps us recover financially from the blow we have been dealt. I am finding so much comfort reading IF/MC blogs and offering up my suffering for them. Otherwise, I feel my pain is in vain. I always pray for my family who have not yet accepted Christ and those away from the church but I never see any change there, so I keep praying and try not to let discouragement overwhelm me.
One prayer was answered, sort of. I asked God to allow the truth to come out about this whole inheritance thing and it is almost there. There are still many unanswered questions but most of he family knows this old lady took us all to the cleaners. For whatever that is worth.
I have to muster the strength to carry on and teach and get on the ball with my business and hope God will carry me because I am totally incapable of doing anything with conviction or purpose right now.

I can't be strong every day

Today wasn't a good one. Wish I could put a happy face on my emotions but that wouldn't be truthful. Found out it was a full moon, my kids were crazy and combative. Other than that, I'm having pregnancy symptoms. That is so not cool. I have been making frequent trips to the bathroom, sore you know what's and emotional. I'm on the mega dose of prometrium so I feel a bit tortured. I can handle real pregnancy symptoms....I think about them often. So many pregnant people all over, it's really crazy right now. It's Lent, I suffer, I cry, I feel helpless, I offer it up and feel guilty. That's kinda the cycle of things.
If my posts lately seem all over the place, that's me in a nutshell. I daydream and have random thoughts and try to imagine my future throughout the day. It's not a pretty place to be. I feel like I'm falling all the time and can't grab on to anything to stop the fall.
I have been upping my prayers for my family for a baby and for my prayer buddy. I check her blog hoping for a positive event. I need sleep. We are going to a funeral and I have so much to do. We may take a school break for a day or two this week. My kids need it and I need it. We haven't had a full week of school off since we started last Fall. I think we need it. We are fairly far ahead so it should be fine.
I keep my IF blog friends in my prayers. I said a special prayer to ask St. Joseph's aid tonight. I hope God hears our prayers. I even got weepy over my lost babies today. Sigh. This has to change. I love my family and I need to remain functional. Even on prometrium.

It may suck but it will be wonderful

Oddly enough that is the message for today. How that crept into my brain at Mass this morning is beyond me. After prayer and some tears, I felt this sense of relief knowing that last year sucked and this year may very well suck too but there is this sense of comfort knowing I am not in control, God is my guide. The wonderful aspect of that message is that even when thing look dismal and barren, God's plan for me and His care for me is so much better than what I am capable of accomplishing. If life was bubble gum, sunshine and pink hearts 24/7, how much would we take for granted? How bored would we become? How many souls could we convert to Christ? Our suffering is a gateway for not just our salvation but those whose lives we enter.
I gazed at the Infant of Prague today and felt this soothing comfort. Suffering is okay. Those babies I lost served a grand purpose. Their mommy wants so badly to be with them forever that I have a fixed vision on heaven. That's my home, where they are. I am not one that buys the limbo thing..."perhaps they are in heaven" is more palatable. If it is a soul, it is not "born" because it did not have that freedom, what would keep this tiny child from being with God forever? Anyway, I know that is a whole new topic but I could not get through one day thinking these 4 souls are in some vacuum, never to see God or mommy. That's all.
So the moral of today has become this(in a nutshell): Sometimes a day, week or year sucks(for lack of a better term to describe "yuck and bad"). But those days when the sun comes out, warms my face, the bills get paid and I have time to cry, smile and thank God I have another day to live in His care, those things make the times that are dark seem necessary.
So this little Infant of Prague, dressed so regal, needs me to know that life may suck but it will be wonderful. This is, of course, my brain translating this important message in the way my brain works. I may be relaying this account all wrong and forgive me if it seems irreverent or without meaning. It hit me hard and has helped me to understand the necessity of suffering. I believe in uniting our suffering to that of Christ's and that suffering is a gift from God to share in his mercy and salvation for man. But that does not always help plug through life with pain, piles of bills and unresolved hurt and sorrow. Life can be awful and marvelous simultaneously if we take up that cross, notice the sweetness along the way and the vision of eternity with God at the end. If my vision includes tiny babies whose mother has yearned to see them again for years to get through her suffering and dark times, then I will keep that in my arsenal of spiritual aids. Ever since that day I felt them "peeking at me through sunbeams in the heavens" I have a clearer goal and a path I can follow.

Update and sad news

I was going to wait until I was calm to post but I am so grateful for all of you who supported me through thoughts and prayers. The doctor couldn't hear a heartbeat today so he sent me back for an ultrasound. During the ultrasound, they found 2 babies(I knew in my heart it was twins) but there was no movement or heartbeat. I have to be honest and say that is is like having the burden of two miscarriages at once. I am so honored to be able to have them for the short time that God allowed. I am in some serious grief and anger right now. I debated on posting but wanted to share and be honest. I am hoping for genetics testing before my D&C to find out why the babies just stopped progressing. The doctor also noted there was a cranial abnormality that would have ended in miscarriage no matter how far they had made it. I was able to get an ultrasound picture to take home, to remember them by. To see them so close together and tiny is hard but I needed that so I can try to make sense of something so senseless. I wanted a miracle so bad. I guess the only miracle was that I have two more babies I hope to meet someday.

I'm not angry at God. I am angry. I can't lie. I'm angry at this diocese, I have every right to be. I have no parish, no priest and I need someone to tell me why or make sense of suffering that feels without purpose. Suffering that continues and questions my children have that I can no longer answer. It's bad enough I have to tell them why God didn't hear their prayers when they prayed daily for this baby(babies) to be healthy and to be able to live with us. I also have to answer questions like "how long will we be at this parish?" and I don't know the answer. I can't tell them. We have been batted around for over two years in this diocese and I don't know that things will change. I suppose it just hit me hard when I realized, after telling my good friend the news today, she offered to call a priest and there was no one to call. Feeling vulnerable and ranting...please don't blame me. I wish we were somewhere else. I told dh today I don't want to think I am stuck in this diocese forever. About the only place I feel that is worse than this is Rochester. Most diocese don't have priests being shuffled every year, ruining a rock solid parish(in orthodoxy) by sticking a liberal priest here and there to mess things up. There are places I have lived in(outside of here) that have pockets of orthodoxy where the hippies and nuns in slacks haven't taken over every parish. So that's my beef, for what it's worth. It would be inappropriate(to vent) if I had some spiritual guidance and felt my family had a home parish and some security. This is the third miscarriage in 3 years with no priest to go to for support. Security has alluded us for the last 2+ years and maybe I won't find it here. It may be time to go over the river, I don't know. I have felt this for awhile but it came to a head today when I felt abandoned and cast aside. If the faith and loyalty to Rome mean something to you(as they do to me)it is a daily struggle in Covington. Casual Catholics have no idea how messed up it is here(especially if they have never been anywhere else). I know people who have moved here from somewhere else and can't believe how political and scarce orthodoxy is in Covington. Maybe it has been the norm for so long that the natives here don't realize it's not normal.

I am tired. It's been a day I want to be over. I still feel pregnant and have symptoms. It is hard not to see it is cruel and senseless. I think suffering and knowing good will come or conversion, it makes it bearable. This is just empty and hard. I'm sorry for the rant. I can't thank those of you who prayed enough, it means a lot. There is solace in knowing these babies had so many prayers. My blog friends are one of the few constants left in my life right now. Thank you for your friendship and sharing this journey with me. I hope to offer up my suffering so that some good may come through the gift of life or conversion. In the end, may God's will be done.

Yow. What a conundrum.

COUPLE SPLITS COST OF LIVING, BUT NOT COST OF BIRTH CONTROL

What the hey? World's going to hell in a hand basket.

I have been at the doctor. A lot. Basal temps are still very low but the eating plan is interesting and I've been getting IV therapy and what they call a "push" to help my vitamin levels which are, no doubt, very depleted. Plus there is asinine spiritual stuff going on that, thankfully, I don't have to time to worry about. Honestly, it comes down to money and rich people(who sometimes, not always, suck). It's life in the Covington Diocese. Money speaks(unfortunately) and all I can do is pray for them(I don't have time for anything else right now.)
I have over 8 orders to complete before leaving and will probably have to pull an all-nighter. Being emotionally drained and detoxing(parasites/fungal/yeast/bacteria) is not helping matters. I wish I had a "flowers and sunshine" update but not today. I'm a firm believer that if God did not allow the murky sadness and suffering, we would never know how wonderful His grace can truly be. So I will try not to allow this all to consume me and unite it with Christ. Easier said than done.

We are trying up unfinished business and leaving town to be with Mr. Thorn's mother. Mr. Thorn's mother took turn for the worse and prayers are appreciated. She isn't eating and is becoming unresponsive. We have been praying for peace for her. I will update when I can from the hotel.

Sacrifice and sorrow

But not in vain have these words of Job sunk into my heart: "Though He should kill me yet will I trust in Him." (Job 13:15) I acknowledge it was long before I reached this degree of abandonment; Our Lord has taken me and placed me there!
St. Therese of Lisieux

God gives me courage in proportion to my sufferings. I feel at this moment I couldn't suffer any more, but I'm not afraid, since if they increase, He will increase my courage at the same time.
St. Therese of Lisieux

Time is but a shadow, a dream; already God sees us in glory and takes joy in our eternal beatitude. How this thought helps my soul! I understand then why He lets us suffer.....
St. Therese of Lisieux

"When we know that the way of love–this exodus, this going out of oneself–is the true way by which man becomes human, then we also understand that suffering is the process through which we mature. Anyone who has inwardly accepted suffering becomes more mature and more understanding of others, becomes more human. Anyone who has consistently avoided suffering does not understand other people; he becomes hard and selfish."
~ Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, God and the World: A Conversation with Peter Seewald (Ignatius Press, 2002)

Suffering is a great favor. Remember that everything soon comes to an end . . . and take courage. Think of how our gain is eternal.
St. Teresa of Avila

I am afraid that if we begin to put our trust in human help, some of our Divine help will fail us.
St. Teresa of Avila

To suppose that God would admit to His close friendship pleasure-loving people who want to be free from all trials is ridiculous.
St. Teresa of Avila

By the anxieties and worries of this life Satan tries to dull man's heart and make a dwelling for himself there.
St. Francis of Assisi

Do not allow yourselves to be overly saddened by the unfortunate accidents of this world. You are not aware of the benefits they bring and by what secret judgment of God they are arranged for the eternal joy of the Elect.
St. John of the Cross

The one thing that would make suffering intolerable would be the thought that it was systematically inflicted upon sinners. On the other hand, the doctrine which makes it most endurable is exactly the opposite doctrine, that suffering may be a strange honour and not a vulgar punishment; that the King may be conferring a decoration when he pins the man on the cross, as much as when he pins the cross on the man.
G. K. Chesterton

Suffering and hope

And not only that, but we also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us. Romans 5:3-5

A bit better today. Something to be said for Our Blessed Mother and the strength of the Cross. The hardest part to remember is that in our weakness, He is strong. No matter how many times I pray for wisdom on this, it is hard to find that strength. Thank you to those who prayed. God bless.

Puppy update

Dog is better. She is messing with her tubes and stitches and therefore wearing a bucket on her head but she is healing. Thank you all for you kind words and prayers. It is a miracle she is doing as well as she is. Thank you, St. Francis, for prayers answered.

Weekend news

I've had a rather bumpy week. Kids were on spring break and the weather was rather chilly. Honestly, I avoided posting. FEMALE TALK WARNING. I was late, took a series of 3 pregnancy tests, the last was positive. By the end of the week, I had, what I believed to be a very early miscarriage(possibly a chemical pregnancy). I was on cloud nine Easter Sunday until about 3 days ago. I will call the doctor this week and discuss a plan. I truly believe I have a luteal phase defect. I am currently on Vitex, Vitamin E, B-6 and Folic Acid. So I will keep hoping and praying. What else can I do? Honestly, the way things happened over the last week, it felt like a cruel joke. I will go back on Clomid if I need to. We have also discussed adoption more seriously. Right now, I'm just in the emotional recovery stage. I found some blogs of women who are on the same page as I am and reading their journey does bring some comfort. I will add them to my sidebar. Thank you for listening to my rambling. It somehow feels better to get it out.

Being Catholic and cold.

Is it okay to be Catholic and hate cold and winter? I just don't know. After Christmas, snow is of no use to me. I look at it on the trees, I think it's pretty for like 30 seconds, I get a chill and I'm slapped into the reality that I detest cold. Is it acceptable to not appreciate something God created? Probably not. Last year, we had an ice storm(I've provided photos as a refresher) that did me in. At night, in the silence, you could hear the branches snap, the ice covered limbs beating against the roof. Our sun room roof began to leak profusely as the ice thawed. We called a "roofing expert" in Louisville who promptly arrived, fixed it, it still leaked(worse) and then he left never to be heard from again. He stopped answering our calls. Yeah, that was a rant.
So as much as I love the culture and history of Cincinnati and the surrounding area, I like warm air, green on trees and wearing sandals. I know, offer it up. See, that is probably why I am still here.

Understanding

Last night, I stumbled on the words of a Christian who had lost a child. She had trouble making sense of the "why me". This was a solid "good works mean nothing" Christian that felt the loss of her child was nothing short of satanic. Reading these words, having lost two children before I even had the gift of meeting them, I could have agreed with her story, but I just couldn't. While going through such an event not once, but twice was painful, I can't say the whole thing was satanic. I believe very much in spiritual warfare, more than many people(both lay and religious) I know. At moments of vulnerability and sadness, I have been haunted by "dark nights" and worse. There's so much more there. Something I can never take for granted.
My Catholic faith has answered so many of life's "why's" at crucial moments in my life. I understand the value and the purpose of suffering not because I am special, but because God has revealed this to me, in His own way. I once had a priest tell me "who do you think you are that you do not have to suffer?" Not in a mean way, but in a half joking manner that made me realize where he was going with this. I could never be close to Christ without suffering. I could never be part of the battle without my wounds, my stripes. Being Catholic is not being an observer but getting in the trenches and sticking your neck out for the truth. I have been called, at times, to bear witness to the truth both inside and outside the Church. Early in my "reversion" I prayed many times a day for the truth and honestly, sometimes I wished I had been less aggressive in that quest. I know things a simple layperson normally wouldn't know(or care about for that matter). But when you pray for truth, it comes.
It started on a pilgrimage to Medjugorje when I felt something "wasn't quite right". I prayed for discernment and the truth at the top of Mt. Krizevac. This was in the early 90's and different from the way things are now. But I know truth didn't lie there. Years later, looking back at the people I met and my journey, it makes more sense now. Our stays in Rome on the way over and back had so much more meaning and truth and God needed to show me that. I didn't want to leave Italy. I felt awe and comfort and it was something that linked me to the millions of simple lay people who have traveled there through history. It was short but life-changing.

I've went on another "blog tangent" but suffering, in my life, has lead me to the truth. I have been blessed to know some very special and holy priests who have changed my life. One such man, now deceased, was Msgr. Henry Klocker(Cincinnati) who was one of the wisest and holiest priests I have ever known. He represented Holy Mother Church in ways that even as a young 20-something, stuck with me for life. He understood fasting, suffering and said some of the most profound things that I still remember to this day. But he did it with humor, kindness and a sense of other-worldliness. I have had other spiritual influences and can thank many priests for what I have learned. Some of them have no idea how the words in a homily, the smile in passing or the fact that they can, without fear, wear their collar at every moment in their lives have had a great impact on me. They represent the Church. They are always a priest because they have been sent. I sometimes wish I could tell them what they have done for me and how their example has shaped me. On a rare occasion, I have told a few. I guess, in the end, I know truth and suffering, in the universal sense by what I have witnessed in the holy priests I have known. Msgr. Klocker was the first of such priests. I pray God rewards these men richly for their wounds and stripes. They have given so much to Christ's Church here on earth. I also pray that other Christians may one day know the meaning of suffering and come to understand the fullness of the truth found in the Catholic Church. There is much to be gained in loss and suffering. Sometimes I don't see it until I retrospectively look at my own timeline. When I am in the midst of pain, it is hard to see why pain exists. Enough of my blog tangent, I need to do something with the family. These words were simply musings over morning coffee.
(image from Sad Kitty)

How do you hope?

We haven't found my parents dog yet. We have had some spottings, some leads, none have panned out. There is such a bizarre spiritual component and it makes dealing with this even harder. My kids keep praying and hoping and they have such confidence that Tawny will come back and that we will find her. I, on the other hand, have this human condition where I look at the other times lately that I have experienced loss and grief and see this going that same path...no happy ending. Maybe I am feeling beat up. I understand the meaning of suffering and why God allows it. It is the relentless suffering and the loss of happiness and hope that I'm not handling. I should be able to but I am failing miserably. It could be stress, lack of sleep of any of the other myriad of components that have me feeling overwhelmed. I want so bad to trust and to put things in God's hands. I did that with the baby and the baby is with God now. Not once but twice. I'm sure it would be best not to judge a moment or event on past history, I'm just not very good at it. Thank you all for the prayers. My hope is to see the good that comes from this if there is no happy ending.

For today

"But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory in Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a little, will himself perfect you, and confirm you, and establish you." 1 Peter 5:10

I found this to be helpful right now. I'm feeling a bit crampy and a little scared. I'm off to the lab soon for my follow-up testing. I hope to have my mind eased soon. I want nothing more than to totally trust God. Why is it so hard? Why doubt?

Thoughtful words

I found a lengthy but amazing article on Catholic Tradition that is a worthwhile read.

I couldn't get through it without crying.


Catholic Tradition Article
Some excerpts:

A very wise older priest once told me that "whenever you see dissent from Traditional teaching and rejection of the sacred, the problem is usually below the belt." He left it at that. Was he ever prescient!

Whenever I read about such suffering priests, amidst the trumped up "priest shortage", I cannot stop crying, while the world pays little if any attention, preferring Father toastmaster of ceremonies who only talks of sin in the way the world talks of it, not Jesus Christ. Yet, the Saints and Angels rejoice if these "little ones" are faithful to the end, for they earn a great crown in Heaven; I am neither, so I weep.

There is so much substance and thought that it is worthy of taking the time to read. I'm melancholy. I have hope and trust but it cannot always alter my mood. I'm trying not to beat myself up too much over "feelings".


(photo credit)

My eye on Proverbs

I have this image hanging in my studio and it caught my eye(again) today. Through many personal tragedies and sufferings, this simple photo has pulled me through. With thoughts of babies, work load, sadness and more, I look again to this verse. Trust. I trust in miracles because they are only possible through the Lord. When I don't understand the "why's" or "how long", I wrap my heart in this verse and pray that I can trust one day more...