Update and sad news

I was going to wait until I was calm to post but I am so grateful for all of you who supported me through thoughts and prayers. The doctor couldn't hear a heartbeat today so he sent me back for an ultrasound. During the ultrasound, they found 2 babies(I knew in my heart it was twins) but there was no movement or heartbeat. I have to be honest and say that is is like having the burden of two miscarriages at once. I am so honored to be able to have them for the short time that God allowed. I am in some serious grief and anger right now. I debated on posting but wanted to share and be honest. I am hoping for genetics testing before my D&C to find out why the babies just stopped progressing. The doctor also noted there was a cranial abnormality that would have ended in miscarriage no matter how far they had made it. I was able to get an ultrasound picture to take home, to remember them by. To see them so close together and tiny is hard but I needed that so I can try to make sense of something so senseless. I wanted a miracle so bad. I guess the only miracle was that I have two more babies I hope to meet someday.

I'm not angry at God. I am angry. I can't lie. I'm angry at this diocese, I have every right to be. I have no parish, no priest and I need someone to tell me why or make sense of suffering that feels without purpose. Suffering that continues and questions my children have that I can no longer answer. It's bad enough I have to tell them why God didn't hear their prayers when they prayed daily for this baby(babies) to be healthy and to be able to live with us. I also have to answer questions like "how long will we be at this parish?" and I don't know the answer. I can't tell them. We have been batted around for over two years in this diocese and I don't know that things will change. I suppose it just hit me hard when I realized, after telling my good friend the news today, she offered to call a priest and there was no one to call. Feeling vulnerable and ranting...please don't blame me. I wish we were somewhere else. I told dh today I don't want to think I am stuck in this diocese forever. About the only place I feel that is worse than this is Rochester. Most diocese don't have priests being shuffled every year, ruining a rock solid parish(in orthodoxy) by sticking a liberal priest here and there to mess things up. There are places I have lived in(outside of here) that have pockets of orthodoxy where the hippies and nuns in slacks haven't taken over every parish. So that's my beef, for what it's worth. It would be inappropriate(to vent) if I had some spiritual guidance and felt my family had a home parish and some security. This is the third miscarriage in 3 years with no priest to go to for support. Security has alluded us for the last 2+ years and maybe I won't find it here. It may be time to go over the river, I don't know. I have felt this for awhile but it came to a head today when I felt abandoned and cast aside. If the faith and loyalty to Rome mean something to you(as they do to me)it is a daily struggle in Covington. Casual Catholics have no idea how messed up it is here(especially if they have never been anywhere else). I know people who have moved here from somewhere else and can't believe how political and scarce orthodoxy is in Covington. Maybe it has been the norm for so long that the natives here don't realize it's not normal.

I am tired. It's been a day I want to be over. I still feel pregnant and have symptoms. It is hard not to see it is cruel and senseless. I think suffering and knowing good will come or conversion, it makes it bearable. This is just empty and hard. I'm sorry for the rant. I can't thank those of you who prayed enough, it means a lot. There is solace in knowing these babies had so many prayers. My blog friends are one of the few constants left in my life right now. Thank you for your friendship and sharing this journey with me. I hope to offer up my suffering so that some good may come through the gift of life or conversion. In the end, may God's will be done.