Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Update and sad news

I was going to wait until I was calm to post but I am so grateful for all of you who supported me through thoughts and prayers. The doctor couldn't hear a heartbeat today so he sent me back for an ultrasound. During the ultrasound, they found 2 babies(I knew in my heart it was twins) but there was no movement or heartbeat. I have to be honest and say that is is like having the burden of two miscarriages at once. I am so honored to be able to have them for the short time that God allowed. I am in some serious grief and anger right now. I debated on posting but wanted to share and be honest. I am hoping for genetics testing before my D&C to find out why the babies just stopped progressing. The doctor also noted there was a cranial abnormality that would have ended in miscarriage no matter how far they had made it. I was able to get an ultrasound picture to take home, to remember them by. To see them so close together and tiny is hard but I needed that so I can try to make sense of something so senseless. I wanted a miracle so bad. I guess the only miracle was that I have two more babies I hope to meet someday.

I'm not angry at God. I am angry. I can't lie. I'm angry at this diocese, I have every right to be. I have no parish, no priest and I need someone to tell me why or make sense of suffering that feels without purpose. Suffering that continues and questions my children have that I can no longer answer. It's bad enough I have to tell them why God didn't hear their prayers when they prayed daily for this baby(babies) to be healthy and to be able to live with us. I also have to answer questions like "how long will we be at this parish?" and I don't know the answer. I can't tell them. We have been batted around for over two years in this diocese and I don't know that things will change. I suppose it just hit me hard when I realized, after telling my good friend the news today, she offered to call a priest and there was no one to call. Feeling vulnerable and ranting...please don't blame me. I wish we were somewhere else. I told dh today I don't want to think I am stuck in this diocese forever. About the only place I feel that is worse than this is Rochester. Most diocese don't have priests being shuffled every year, ruining a rock solid parish(in orthodoxy) by sticking a liberal priest here and there to mess things up. There are places I have lived in(outside of here) that have pockets of orthodoxy where the hippies and nuns in slacks haven't taken over every parish. So that's my beef, for what it's worth. It would be inappropriate(to vent) if I had some spiritual guidance and felt my family had a home parish and some security. This is the third miscarriage in 3 years with no priest to go to for support. Security has alluded us for the last 2+ years and maybe I won't find it here. It may be time to go over the river, I don't know. I have felt this for awhile but it came to a head today when I felt abandoned and cast aside. If the faith and loyalty to Rome mean something to you(as they do to me)it is a daily struggle in Covington. Casual Catholics have no idea how messed up it is here(especially if they have never been anywhere else). I know people who have moved here from somewhere else and can't believe how political and scarce orthodoxy is in Covington. Maybe it has been the norm for so long that the natives here don't realize it's not normal.

I am tired. It's been a day I want to be over. I still feel pregnant and have symptoms. It is hard not to see it is cruel and senseless. I think suffering and knowing good will come or conversion, it makes it bearable. This is just empty and hard. I'm sorry for the rant. I can't thank those of you who prayed enough, it means a lot. There is solace in knowing these babies had so many prayers. My blog friends are one of the few constants left in my life right now. Thank you for your friendship and sharing this journey with me. I hope to offer up my suffering so that some good may come through the gift of life or conversion. In the end, may God's will be done.

19 comments:

Samantha said...

I am so sorry for your family's loss. Those babies are with the Lord now, but He wanted them to be with you for a little. :-(
I prayed for your family at Adoration last night, and will continue to do so.

God bless you at this sorrowful time.
Peace.

andnotbysight said...

Oh no! I'm so, so sorry. I've been praying for good new for you, and this is just heartbreaking. I'm so sorry that you don't have support from your diocese, too. I'll be keeping you and your family in my prayers.

Beth said...

Oh my goodness. My heart is absolutely breaking for you. I am so sorry.

Sew Infertile said...

My heart bleeds with you. I am so sorry.....Praying 4 u.

AmandaHoyt said...

I am so sorry for your losses. My prayers are with you.

Tracy said...

I'm so sorry, I just don't know what else to say.. my heart is breaking for you.. you have been and will continue to be in my prayers!!

allyouwhohope said...

Oh, I am just SO sorry. And to know there were two little ones must be all the more heartbreaking, if that is even possible. I am on my way to adoration right now and will pray for your family. Just know we are all thinking of you and praying for you during this difficult time.

cordelia said...

oh, oh, this is too much. please don't despair, there are 4 (?) souls in heaven praising God with the company of angels, that's 4 souls you've gotten to heaven-isn't that all of us mother's main job in life?

Teresa said...

I am completely heartbroken for you. I'll pray for you and your family. I understand your anger. I'm still angry sometimes but I think it's ok to be and I think also it's ok to ask God why unlike some think. I think He wants us to ask why so we can learn to listen for the answer better. That poem is awesome huh? I hope it comforted you a little. (((Hugs and prayers)))

Kit said...

Can hardly see through the tears to type this, dearest Thorn, but please know I am holding you and those precious little souls close in my thoughts and prayers.

Laura The Crazy Mama said...

beyond craptastic

I was so looking forward to your post about your appt. today that I saved it for last.

Now, I won't be able to sleep. I know "God's will be done" but days like today, it's hard to wait to see what the heck he means by this stuff.

I know what you mean when you talk about the priest situation...

if you're up to it and have time, email me
laura7550@yahoodotcom

Lily said...

I am so sorry. many prayers for you.

Adrienne said...

Words fail me; I can only pray for you. You have much to offer The Lord one day - full hands. †

Lee Strong said...

I'm so sorry for your double loss. I can't begin to imagine your feelings. You are in my prayers.

Dymphna said...

Is there a priest at the hospital?

a thorn in the pew said...

There sometimes is. When I MC last year, this poor retired priest had a horrible nosebleed and I wound up feeling worse for him than myself. My mom will be with me.

Adrienne said...

Very sad news. I will keep you, your family, and your little ones in my prayers...

FloridaWife said...

I am so very sad to see this news. I was so excited and now this. So sorry.

Val said...

Oh, Thorn, I am so sorry. I just checked in and saw this and I am so sorry. I'll keep you in my prayers.