Dear Lord, I miss her...

I know she is not "gone" but I'm watching Mother Angelica Live from 8 years ago and I laughed and cried because I just miss her. I can't sleep. Nauseous and feeling pressure. I cry when I feel "movement" because it feels like a horrible joke. I still have that awful metal taste in my mouth, reminds me of the babies, I cry. I got out one of my stand-by "sad" books by Fr. Morice, "When Bad Things Happen to Good Catholics". I've read it 3 or 4 times and each time I go back for the insight to the Catholic questions of suffering. I also found a book called "Coming to Term" on Amazon tonight I may order(later). It deals with the misconceptions of repeated miscarriage. I want to believe good will come from this. I want to believe that Mr. Thorn's mother knew we would have more children(she told us before she died) and it is true. I don't know when or where a child will come but if I lose hope, there is nothing gained and no point to this suffering. Surely God doesn't want pointless suffering that is cruel and tortuous. My oldest son is a mess. He keeps running to hug me, like it is his fault. He has had a hard couple of months and I know by looking in his eyes he feels somehow at fault and there is nothing I can say or do to help, I have tried.
I dread this D&C but I also know how hard it will be to continue to wait with these little ones still a part of me. I keep thinking "but there is two of them, Lord, why?" Picturing this dreamy shot of me in the hospital holding one while Mr. Thorn holds the other. Naming them the names we talked about with spiritual significance...it's all a nightmare now. My dream lasted less than 5 seconds at the doctor's office today. Why does God will that a crack addict with multiple partners and horrid morals have children, abuse them and neglect them and takes baby after baby from my grip as if to say "not for you"? Am I nuts to think in those terms? Something my friend said tonight makes some sense, in all of this crap and evil I can now call yesterday. She said those of us that open our hearts and our wombs to God's grace without limits or bounds are more vulnerable to the sufferings that I am going through. Through my entire marriage, we have always been open to life and whatever God brings before us. It opens the door to grief and suffering. I have never said "don't allow me to get pregnant if I am just going to lose the baby". I can't put conditions on God's working in our lives. I trust, sometimes blindly, that I should always hope for life. I have special needs children and have lost 4 babies and have been a spiritual nomad for years.
People who follow my blog may wonder why I am so dissatisfied with our diocese here in Covington. Having been tossed through 4 parishes in 3 years, my loyalty lies with Rome(I feel the same about politics, too, honestly). I've given up on feeling I belong to a parish or diocese. They are temporary, fleeting. Rome is eternal and the seat of Peter guided by the Holy Spirit. That is a "for sure" in my life and what I teach my children. How do you explain why we can't stay at a parish? If the traditional Mass ceases to exist there(and the alternative is putting up with Marty Haugen and the cup parade at communion) why bother? Honestly, I am not a die hard traditionalist. I would be okay going to a reverent NO Mass in an orthodox parish(like Old St. Mary's). But since that parish does not exist in the diocese of Covington, we stick with the EF Mass so we won't have mystery/surprise music and liturgy every week. Not one parish here is without a multitude of extraordinary minister people at every Mass parading with cups, and dismal music, not even written by Catholics blaring from guitars or hammered in a jazzy fashion from a piano. Then there are the stand-up comedian homilies, girls in flip flops serving and the list goes on. I am not saying there are not good priests here(there definitely are wonderful priests here). But the oldest members in a parish seem to call the shots(in my experience), or the parish members with the most money or influence. Sigh, I give. I really thought I was done with my rant but it's late, I can't sleep and I think I will watch the last of Mother Angelica Live. I so miss her way of looking at the world and the church. She had a great influence on me and I watched her often. I wish I could sleep, but I am afraid to dream. I feel like if I watch TV or read I can control where my mind goes and grief can't consume me. I don't think it is working but sleep sounds scary right now.