They would be here

I have been quiet and to myself lately. Thankfully, God has kept me busy with work, kids and homeschool things. I would have been 39 weeks with the twins. I went to Sam's the other night and just as I started to approach what I came for, twin newborn girls, perfect in a stroller and I had to find a place to run for cover. I thought my grief was essentially over. I know it never totally goes away but the baby items are arriving in the mail. The coupons, freebies, etc. This constant reminder of what will never be. I don't have "someone" who knows this pain and often I just feel selfish. Then guilty. When things at home aren't perfect or peaceful, it seems Satan is just pounding me with the "you couldn't handle it" feeling. I hope for a miracle. I try to support and pray for others, pregnant and trying. I search for something to hope for. I turn the news off. I ask the Blessed Mother to intercede and help me to find comfort and a way to cope. I know I am not using my pain wisely, more guilt. I want to use this to motivate me to get healthy, lose weight, get serious about conception and maintaining a pregnancy. What if it is all in vain, again? Why would a loving God want me to try and sacrifice and fail again? Why do we still hope for life? Why do I?
I can't move on. I have tried. Our family feels incomplete. I have always felt there will be another child, so I kept hope. I did just conceive twins 8 months ago. How do you hope for a miracle and stay positive? It doesn't make sense. It is hard when most of the homeschool families have babies and toddlers so there is a reminder and a hope that continues even when my sensible self is telling me to let go, move on, don't do this to yourself. As my arms yearn to hold babies that have never arrived, I try to keep busy and not let too much silence enter. That is when the tears come and the reality hits hard. I hope God understands why I busy myself. Why I find diversions and keep them up. Suffering is different when you don't know the end of the story.
(Also, I couldn't get my labs done for the hormonal screen because I never had better than a 6 this month. I am meeting with an NFP/Creighton practitioner on Monday so I am hoping for something to calm my nerves and feeling of doom)

Hug her close, Lord.

Keep Mrs. L in your prayers this weekend.

Wellsprings of Traditional Life

Today

I had my D&C today. This was by far, the hardest day yet. My hope was that my faith and possibly a priest could help and comfort me today. I couldn't stop the tears during the pre-op. Things were hard, went wrong, thankfully my mom and friend were there. I was still in so much pain after the surgery and I hadn't had that before. They had to give me something in the IV to help. It wasn't until everything was over and I read the "material" on the way home that I realized it was worse. They bless the babies(which is good and expected) but I received a generic new age prayer I don't know what to call it in my time of suffering(from a Catholic hospital). I thought I would write it here in case I am crazy and this has some imprimatur that I am unaware of:

The hearts of faith and the minds of science tell us that life on this earth first came from creative waters.
May this small shell which has held waters of blessing be a reminder for us of the Great Love which creates us, sustains us and gathers us into the circle of life.
(Provided by the Family Birth Place
Saint Elizabeth Medical Center)

The other material on miscarriage I received was from the Gundersen Lutheran Medical Foundation. That was it. My friend said it was a good thing I didn't press the pastoral care issue, there was no priest, only some woman. The glimmer of hope I had in getting some solace and comfort in a Catholic hospital was a pipe dream. The whole experience was about as spiritual and Catholic as Wal-Mart. Then as I was coming to, I faintly heard someone singing Ave Maria. My heart sank as I realized it was the pope-hater, Barbra Streisand. I'm glad to be home. With my pictures of Mary and Jesus, my Catholic reading and my comfy couch and heating pad(and pain meds). I can tell you, last year when I had my miscarriage, it was different. I found my prayer card they gave me, a priest came and had some words of comfort and they didn't rush me out like today when I could barely walk or dress. The day is almost over and in my past(thank God). I have no idea how I will muddle through Christmas. My dreams of babies and the future of our family have changed so much that I am both sad and numb. I will try to muster finding hope and something to look forward to in the short term.
I share my experience for someone who may feel alone in their miscarriage journey. I now understand why our homes need to be tiny models of the Church. Sometimes you can't find Catholic in our hospitals, our schools or even our churches. It is in these times we will be thankful for our Catholic homes. I know I am of mine.

Finding words

Angel Whispers
Dear Mommy,
Before we said our first hello,
the time had already passed.
For when you held us in your arms,
We had gone to heaven to rest.
We felt angelic tears down our cheeks,
and watched you as you wept.
We wish we could have changed it all,
Your tears touched our souls so deep.
But Mommy when you are sad,
please be assured we know.
For death cannot take away your love,
it will only continue to grow.
Time and distance cannot erase,
a love and bond so deep.
There is no bond that can compare,
and in your heart we'll keep.
When you are feeling far away,
and missing us so much,
close your eyes and feel our wings,
there soft and gentle touch.
Or at night as you sleep,
we'll join you in a dream.
You will see us standing close to you,
and we'll be lost within our wings.
So dear Mommy ,
as you go from day to day.
Find comfort in the knowledge,
We are never that far away.
~ Author Unknown

Precious Little One
I`m just a precious little one who didn`t make it there.
I went straight to be with Jesus,
but I`m waiting for you here.
Many dwelling here where I live,
waited years to enter in.
Struggled through a world of sorow,
a world marred with pain and sin.
Thank you for the life you gave me,
it was brief but don`t complain.
I have all Heaven`s Glory,
suffered none of earth`s great pain.
Thank you for the name you gave me.
I`d have loved to bring it fame.
But if I`d lingered in earth`s shadows,
I would have suffered just the same.
So sweet family-don`t you sorrow.
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.
I went straight to Jesus` arms
from my loving Mother`s womb.
~Author Unknown

What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here

He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
~Author Unknown

Lullabies
Daddy please don`t look so sad,
Mommy please don`t cry.
I am in the arms of Jesus
and He sings me lullabies.
Please do not try to question God,
don`t think He is unkind.
Don`t think He sent me to you and that
He changed His mind.
You see, I am special
and I`m needed up above.
I`m the special child you gave Him,
the product of your love.
I`ll always be there with you.
So watch the sky at night.
Find the brightest star that`s gleaming.
That`s my halo`s brilliant light.
So Daddy please don`t look so sad.
Mommy please don`t cry.
I am in the arms of Jesus.
And He sings me lullabies.
~Author Unknown

God in His Heaven

Wrote down our babies birth

And whispered as He closed the book,

“Too beautiful for this earth”.

Update and sad news

I was going to wait until I was calm to post but I am so grateful for all of you who supported me through thoughts and prayers. The doctor couldn't hear a heartbeat today so he sent me back for an ultrasound. During the ultrasound, they found 2 babies(I knew in my heart it was twins) but there was no movement or heartbeat. I have to be honest and say that is is like having the burden of two miscarriages at once. I am so honored to be able to have them for the short time that God allowed. I am in some serious grief and anger right now. I debated on posting but wanted to share and be honest. I am hoping for genetics testing before my D&C to find out why the babies just stopped progressing. The doctor also noted there was a cranial abnormality that would have ended in miscarriage no matter how far they had made it. I was able to get an ultrasound picture to take home, to remember them by. To see them so close together and tiny is hard but I needed that so I can try to make sense of something so senseless. I wanted a miracle so bad. I guess the only miracle was that I have two more babies I hope to meet someday.

I'm not angry at God. I am angry. I can't lie. I'm angry at this diocese, I have every right to be. I have no parish, no priest and I need someone to tell me why or make sense of suffering that feels without purpose. Suffering that continues and questions my children have that I can no longer answer. It's bad enough I have to tell them why God didn't hear their prayers when they prayed daily for this baby(babies) to be healthy and to be able to live with us. I also have to answer questions like "how long will we be at this parish?" and I don't know the answer. I can't tell them. We have been batted around for over two years in this diocese and I don't know that things will change. I suppose it just hit me hard when I realized, after telling my good friend the news today, she offered to call a priest and there was no one to call. Feeling vulnerable and ranting...please don't blame me. I wish we were somewhere else. I told dh today I don't want to think I am stuck in this diocese forever. About the only place I feel that is worse than this is Rochester. Most diocese don't have priests being shuffled every year, ruining a rock solid parish(in orthodoxy) by sticking a liberal priest here and there to mess things up. There are places I have lived in(outside of here) that have pockets of orthodoxy where the hippies and nuns in slacks haven't taken over every parish. So that's my beef, for what it's worth. It would be inappropriate(to vent) if I had some spiritual guidance and felt my family had a home parish and some security. This is the third miscarriage in 3 years with no priest to go to for support. Security has alluded us for the last 2+ years and maybe I won't find it here. It may be time to go over the river, I don't know. I have felt this for awhile but it came to a head today when I felt abandoned and cast aside. If the faith and loyalty to Rome mean something to you(as they do to me)it is a daily struggle in Covington. Casual Catholics have no idea how messed up it is here(especially if they have never been anywhere else). I know people who have moved here from somewhere else and can't believe how political and scarce orthodoxy is in Covington. Maybe it has been the norm for so long that the natives here don't realize it's not normal.

I am tired. It's been a day I want to be over. I still feel pregnant and have symptoms. It is hard not to see it is cruel and senseless. I think suffering and knowing good will come or conversion, it makes it bearable. This is just empty and hard. I'm sorry for the rant. I can't thank those of you who prayed enough, it means a lot. There is solace in knowing these babies had so many prayers. My blog friends are one of the few constants left in my life right now. Thank you for your friendship and sharing this journey with me. I hope to offer up my suffering so that some good may come through the gift of life or conversion. In the end, may God's will be done.

Weekend news

I've had a rather bumpy week. Kids were on spring break and the weather was rather chilly. Honestly, I avoided posting. FEMALE TALK WARNING. I was late, took a series of 3 pregnancy tests, the last was positive. By the end of the week, I had, what I believed to be a very early miscarriage(possibly a chemical pregnancy). I was on cloud nine Easter Sunday until about 3 days ago. I will call the doctor this week and discuss a plan. I truly believe I have a luteal phase defect. I am currently on Vitex, Vitamin E, B-6 and Folic Acid. So I will keep hoping and praying. What else can I do? Honestly, the way things happened over the last week, it felt like a cruel joke. I will go back on Clomid if I need to. We have also discussed adoption more seriously. Right now, I'm just in the emotional recovery stage. I found some blogs of women who are on the same page as I am and reading their journey does bring some comfort. I will add them to my sidebar. Thank you for listening to my rambling. It somehow feels better to get it out.

How do you hope?

We haven't found my parents dog yet. We have had some spottings, some leads, none have panned out. There is such a bizarre spiritual component and it makes dealing with this even harder. My kids keep praying and hoping and they have such confidence that Tawny will come back and that we will find her. I, on the other hand, have this human condition where I look at the other times lately that I have experienced loss and grief and see this going that same path...no happy ending. Maybe I am feeling beat up. I understand the meaning of suffering and why God allows it. It is the relentless suffering and the loss of happiness and hope that I'm not handling. I should be able to but I am failing miserably. It could be stress, lack of sleep of any of the other myriad of components that have me feeling overwhelmed. I want so bad to trust and to put things in God's hands. I did that with the baby and the baby is with God now. Not once but twice. I'm sure it would be best not to judge a moment or event on past history, I'm just not very good at it. Thank you all for the prayers. My hope is to see the good that comes from this if there is no happy ending.

Busy, busy

It's pouring here this morning and it's my son's birthday. I am trying to finish all my work early so we can go to dinner tonight. I've been working so much lately, even through the weekend to catch up.
I'm trying to get productive early since I have so much to accomplish today. My brain doesn't start being "creative" until after 9 am but I need to force it with some coffee this morning.
Yesterday was weird(hard) as I saw a woman in town I know was pregnant at the same time I was with my first miscarriage. It is hard to see her little girl and not get melancholy as mine would be the exact same age. Apparently, she is pregnant again and looks to be as far along as I would have been had I carried the child. I know God puts these situations before me as an opportunity to remember my children and offer up the suffering it brings for something worthwhile. I am, at the same time, aware of how human and weak I am when it hurts because of the loss, not being able to hold them and love them here on earth. Anyway, I don't want to drudge up yesterday's emotions today, I have to be focused. I'm sure other women have gone through this and that helps knowing I am not alone.
I have a meme to do via Tracy this week and will get on that task later this evening.

Thank God for the Church. Seriously.

I was able to go to Mass today and it was uplifting and so needed. I have been carrying so much sorrow and pain and I needed to feel I still had "the Church" to be there for me. I told Jesus how sad I was and how hard it is to just move on. The way the light hit through the windows in the Cathedral took my breath away for an instant and I knew right then that I have been given a gift. No matter how crappy life gets, how much loss and pain I muddle through, I have something worth more than all that I lost and gave up. I have the one, true Church that Christ gave to us for always. I'm not going to see that everyday. Some days are dark and it may be hard to see around the clouds. In the end, many search for the truth all their life and never find it. It took a pretty sunbeam on a grey wall for me to realize this. After a very rough morning(full of beating myself up for not being perfect), I was fortunate God showed me something so simple and magnificent. It might be a good thing I put this in words for those days when I need it.

The workload this week has been insane. I will need to somehow develop super-human powers to get through it all. Oddly enough, the response to Halloween this year has been overwhelming. Christmas is selling early. Go figure. With Mr. Thorn being out of work for over two weeks, we need the money badly. It will be insane all the way through the first week of December and then it just stops. So I will be knee deep in orders all week. I have more orders that are pending so again, I need a bionic foot and hands to get these orders cranked out.
Mr. Thorn and I got a night out last night. We went to a local Eye-tal-eon restaurant and had a nice dinner. The rest of the night was spent working and doing domestic things(i.e. shopping at Wal-Mart). So much for romance. It was nice to talk and slow down from our rushed daily life.

The TLM at the Cathedral Basilica is moving to St. Bernard's at the end of this month. There may be another TLM, nothing definite right now. It's nice to know there are people in the diocese to support the TLM.

Well said, Bishop Serratelli!

In his weekly article, Bishop Serratelli of Paterson, NJ speaks on:

The Loss of the Sacred

An excerpt:

Teaching about the Mass began to emphasize the community. The Mass was seen as a community meal. It was something everyone did together. Lost was the notion of sacrifice. Lost the awesome mystery of the Eucharist as Christ’s sacrifice on the cross. The priest was no longer seen as specially consecrated. He was no different than the laity. With all of this, a profound loss of the sacred.

(Whoa....this is like a page out of the last year of my life. I miss having a parish I can call home. I can never exchange "sacredness" and "holiness" for "community". They aren't even on the same plane.)

He continues:

Walk into any church today before Mass and you will notice that the silence that should embrace those who stand in God’s House is gone. Even the Church is no longer a sacred place. Gathering for Mass sometimes becomes as noisy as gathering for any other social event. We may not have the ability to do much about the loss of the sacredness of life in the songs, videos and movies of our day. But, most assuredly, we can do much about helping one another recover the sacredness of God’s Presence in His Church.

Honestly, I would burst into tears of joy if our local bishop tackled what I consider "the hard stuff" in our diocese. It has been missing for many, many years due to our history. I know he has a lot on his plate but I believe one thing effects another. Bringing the sacred back to Covington can bring positive results in the end. Spiritually, financially and emotionally. So many here crave that in their lives and as Catholics, we have such a treasure trove of sacredness through art, architecture, music and word. I suppose I need to add this to my prayers. I mean I pray for our diocese and bishop and priests but this is much more specific. Sorry if I got side-tracked. This article just got me thinking...