Saturday, June 27, 2009

They would be here

I have been quiet and to myself lately. Thankfully, God has kept me busy with work, kids and homeschool things. I would have been 39 weeks with the twins. I went to Sam's the other night and just as I started to approach what I came for, twin newborn girls, perfect in a stroller and I had to find a place to run for cover. I thought my grief was essentially over. I know it never totally goes away but the baby items are arriving in the mail. The coupons, freebies, etc. This constant reminder of what will never be. I don't have "someone" who knows this pain and often I just feel selfish. Then guilty. When things at home aren't perfect or peaceful, it seems Satan is just pounding me with the "you couldn't handle it" feeling. I hope for a miracle. I try to support and pray for others, pregnant and trying. I search for something to hope for. I turn the news off. I ask the Blessed Mother to intercede and help me to find comfort and a way to cope. I know I am not using my pain wisely, more guilt. I want to use this to motivate me to get healthy, lose weight, get serious about conception and maintaining a pregnancy. What if it is all in vain, again? Why would a loving God want me to try and sacrifice and fail again? Why do we still hope for life? Why do I?
I can't move on. I have tried. Our family feels incomplete. I have always felt there will be another child, so I kept hope. I did just conceive twins 8 months ago. How do you hope for a miracle and stay positive? It doesn't make sense. It is hard when most of the homeschool families have babies and toddlers so there is a reminder and a hope that continues even when my sensible self is telling me to let go, move on, don't do this to yourself. As my arms yearn to hold babies that have never arrived, I try to keep busy and not let too much silence enter. That is when the tears come and the reality hits hard. I hope God understands why I busy myself. Why I find diversions and keep them up. Suffering is different when you don't know the end of the story.
(Also, I couldn't get my labs done for the hormonal screen because I never had better than a 6 this month. I am meeting with an NFP/Creighton practitioner on Monday so I am hoping for something to calm my nerves and feeling of doom)


cordelia said...

prayers coming your way. i'm sorry.

PandaBean said...

More prayers coming from here. I have also experienced a m/c, but then conceived my oldest within 5 months. It can be so hard to give up our hopes and dreams, be they for children, a house, or friends (the last two have always been prayers of mine. God is finally sending me friends that share the same fundamental values, even tho they aren't Catholic).

May God bless you and your family. Please remember to relax some and be happy. :)

Laura The Crazy Mama said...

prayers always

Agnes B Bullock said...

While I have never conceived, I recognize your pain and reactions. I mourn what will nevr be, and have to fight off the jealousy that rears its ugly head. Every woman, either pregnant or with her child(ren) eats away at the hole in my heart- what did they have that I didn't? Why were they chosen and not me?

Does the pain and longing ever end?

Niki Ary said...

I came over from Samantha's blog and while I cannot say I totally understand what you are going through I can promise that you are in my prayers. In the last year I have lost two precious children. The first baby I lost at 6 weeks and they are not sure what went wrong. My body never actually miscarried and at twelve weeks I had an ultrasound that showed the baby had stopped growing and there was no heart beat. Then I got pregnant again five months later and made it to twelve weeks, heard the heart beat, and thought everything would be okay. I had an ultrasound at 13.5 weeks and all looked good. I found out she was a little girl, and my husband and I were ecstatic. Ten days later I had a miscarriage again-- with labor. These were some of the most difficult days of my life and we are now starting to try again... I am armed with 5x the amount of folic acid you would normally take and taking a baby aspirin because my genetic testing came back showing that I had some abnormalities that could hinder pregnancy. While I am scared that I will lose another child I am trusting that Jesus will help me through the future. I pray that you will feel His presence and know that God will bring you through this come what may.

Again I am praying for you.

Niki Ary