Back from vacation and Femara crazies!

We took an extra long vacation and I just noticed I didn't blog while away(I should have). I am on my second cycle of Femara and it's one bizarre drug. I had a 5 day cycle(on vacation, weh) and then spotted "pink" from days 7-11. No CM...at all. No idea where I am, dr. sent me to lab last night, I'm thinking peak was way early. I am not having any bizarre symptoms but I am also not on my usual prometrium/estrodial. More people I know are pregnant. Again. I broke down the day before we left Florida and cried, a lot. I prayed for so many, to achieve pregnancy, for troubled pregnancies, adoptions. I felt selfish, guilty and kinda rotten. In the end, I had to decide if these pregnant friends and people all around me are there as torture and a cruel joke or to give me hope. God is not one to play tricks or mind games. I have prayed so many times for our desire for another child to be taken away if it is never meant to be. So now I am stuck with hope. I know few if any understand why I would want more children, with the repeated miscarriage and the chance of having yet another with autism. I can't explain the hope for life and children. It doesn't make sense but it is there and it's strong.

The vacation was good, stressful in some ways but it was a nice trip. My autistic boys need to be entertained constantly so that gets frantic after a bit. The kids wanted to go fishing in the bay which was right out our door but it was very hot and the thought of having to take barracuda off a hook with nasty teeth didn't appeal to me.
We are having to start homeschool late. We went with Seton this year and the special services dept must be overly busy now so we can't get an appointment until 9/9. I think we will go ahead and start their math early since we know what we are doing there. I need coffee. I can't believe I blogged before coffee.

Politics, fertility and probate, oh my!

Odd, I am CD32 or P+17. Not normal for me. Especially since I have been on progesterone. I'm not having any PMS issues except being weepy and even that has totally subsided. I need a new chart, new stickers and I need to get on the ball and get this emailed over for a second opinion. The weird pain in the female region makes no sense, it's not cramps...I don't know what endo pain feels like. Sigh, I don't enjoy over analyzing.
On the probate/law front, things are looking better. No will was filed by the lady so my BIL is getting the original will over to the county clerks office. She will now need to contest our will. My prayer is that the truth comes out and that we won't have to stress about this every day.
Got a bit sad because the best candidate for our senate race here in Kentucky has pulled out of the race. I think it has effected my jaded view of government and that is not a good thing. His name is Bill Johnson and he had such a positive strong and consistent message. He had a two-fold problem. One, his opponents were out spending him and most of their money came from out of state(boo). The other problem was name recognition. Rand Paul is known because of his father, Greyson because he has been in politics. Until recently, I was an active participant in the Tea Party movement. Now, I have backed off and I don't plan on getting involved again any time soon. We have loose canons like Dick Armey's FreedomWorks endorsing candidates without looking at the bigger picture, Sarah Palin(same thing) and it effects state politics when big names like that get involved without "doing their homework". Tea party "anything" should not be endorsing candidates. It will be the Party's undoing. People are involved for different reasons and what unifies us is the social and political conservative standards. To what degree people want to see them in government is personal. Endorsing candidates as "the Tea Party candidate" is only going to drive people away(like me and my family). Being involved in the Tea Party doesn't mean we all want to be libertarians. I am actually a registered republican and a member of the American Independent Party. I plan on staying that way, it is what I identify with on many levels, both fiscally and socially. Okay, I had to get all that out. Bill Johnson, sir, we will miss you and in the long run, our commonwealth will miss you. I hope you will consider another run some day. We can wait.

I can't be strong every day

Today wasn't a good one. Wish I could put a happy face on my emotions but that wouldn't be truthful. Found out it was a full moon, my kids were crazy and combative. Other than that, I'm having pregnancy symptoms. That is so not cool. I have been making frequent trips to the bathroom, sore you know what's and emotional. I'm on the mega dose of prometrium so I feel a bit tortured. I can handle real pregnancy symptoms....I think about them often. So many pregnant people all over, it's really crazy right now. It's Lent, I suffer, I cry, I feel helpless, I offer it up and feel guilty. That's kinda the cycle of things.
If my posts lately seem all over the place, that's me in a nutshell. I daydream and have random thoughts and try to imagine my future throughout the day. It's not a pretty place to be. I feel like I'm falling all the time and can't grab on to anything to stop the fall.
I have been upping my prayers for my family for a baby and for my prayer buddy. I check her blog hoping for a positive event. I need sleep. We are going to a funeral and I have so much to do. We may take a school break for a day or two this week. My kids need it and I need it. We haven't had a full week of school off since we started last Fall. I think we need it. We are fairly far ahead so it should be fine.
I keep my IF blog friends in my prayers. I said a special prayer to ask St. Joseph's aid tonight. I hope God hears our prayers. I even got weepy over my lost babies today. Sigh. This has to change. I love my family and I need to remain functional. Even on prometrium.

New stuffs and healthcare

We had a crazy finish to the end of our first quarter for homeschool and today is my first "breather". Things are going okay, I'm trying to focus on the basics, the kids like the extras(art, music, latin) so I try to do what I can. I got my bowels in an uproar after watching the congressional votes go down(live) on Saturday. It sicken me that people are getting so focused on abortion that they are allowing socialist medicine and control of our lives to waltz in the door. This is the evil one using what we hold dear, life, to determine our destiny. Am I the only one that knew the reason they allowed the Stupak Ammendment to even be an issue was because it was the ace in the hole that pushed it through? It was black and white as I watched it all unfold.
On another note, I am in my first cycle with prometrium supplements along with the B6 and D. I have 10 days of 8-10 CM of various types in this cycle. I started prometrium on P+3. Odd side effects but I will deal. I must mosey to teach another lesson and shower for my ds doctor appointment. I'm feeling frustrated today...not about homeschool, life in general. More on that later.

Still alive

I have been nauseous and sleepy but overly thankful to being feeling symptoms. I barely made it through Mass today. I have less than 2 days before I go to the OB with dh to see how things are progressing. I'm preparing to hear the "advanced maternal age" line and just hope for a heartbeat(something I have not heard in almost 8 years). I am glad that I won't be alone. I am really trying hard not to be nervous, but I am human and it is so hard not to worry. I keep trying to brainwash myself that this time is different and to look at how utterly crappy(i.e., symptomatic) I feel. This works sometimes. I am trying to do as I tell my kids and "offer it up".
We were in Columbus all day Thursday and I was so wiped out after that. I forget how this prometrium takes the wind out of you. I am struggling to stay awake right now and I need to get a roast in the oven(which sounds horrid at the moment). The food plan is not going well. Most of the time I don't feel like eating anything. And when I do eat, 20 minutes later, the nausea kicks in big time. So it is a battle of yuck vs. ick. It is taking a tremendous amount of trust in God and some days are better than others. Some days it is impossible to get out of bed or off the couch. I have a huge wholesale order to complete and I need to get motivated for that and to finish my spring line...period. There is no backup. I am it. I will post when I have some results or news from the OB. I pray it is hopeful and good.

It's a mystery

I went for my appointment with the intake nurse yesterday and after going over my labs and medical history, she said there is no way I could have conceived with my levels. My progesterone lab on 10/1 was <0.5 which is equal to post-menopausal levels. I conceived less than a week after this lab was taken. As a precaution, they put me on prometrium suppositories and baby aspirin. My insurance would not pay for a lab during pregnancy of my progesterone level at the other doctor(nice, eh?) so they drew one yesterday. I started the prometrium last night. I hope to have the results back today. I do not have another appointment until 12/09 and they will check me on the doppler and ultrasound if needed.
I'm trying much harder to stay on the food plan. I know that could greatly effect my hormone levels and I will choke down whatever I need to until the placenta takes over(at the very least). I am 9 weeks now, symptoms are strong(nausea,tired, etc) and I just pray.
There is no way "science" was responsible for this pregnancy. No charting, clomid, timing, none of it. According to science, I have already went through menopause. I will hold on to hope and faith now. I have no idea what lies ahead.

A glimpse of hope

I heard back from the doctor. He said I tested positive very early and so my numbers while low are not hopeless. He is prescribing prometrium and having me get blood work very early in the morning in hopes we get results by the afternoon. I am praying for a miracle and peace. He also talked about lab error and said when we are this early, a tiny lab error can be very misleading as far as the numbers are concerned. My kids already know there is a problem. We are going to offer up a rosary tonight for a miracle with our tiny baby. I also have hope that if he thought this was a lost cause, he wouldn't have prescribed the progesterone supplement. Oh Lord, stay by my side tonight.

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him."
1 Samuel 1:27