I can't be strong every day

Today wasn't a good one. Wish I could put a happy face on my emotions but that wouldn't be truthful. Found out it was a full moon, my kids were crazy and combative. Other than that, I'm having pregnancy symptoms. That is so not cool. I have been making frequent trips to the bathroom, sore you know what's and emotional. I'm on the mega dose of prometrium so I feel a bit tortured. I can handle real pregnancy symptoms....I think about them often. So many pregnant people all over, it's really crazy right now. It's Lent, I suffer, I cry, I feel helpless, I offer it up and feel guilty. That's kinda the cycle of things.
If my posts lately seem all over the place, that's me in a nutshell. I daydream and have random thoughts and try to imagine my future throughout the day. It's not a pretty place to be. I feel like I'm falling all the time and can't grab on to anything to stop the fall.
I have been upping my prayers for my family for a baby and for my prayer buddy. I check her blog hoping for a positive event. I need sleep. We are going to a funeral and I have so much to do. We may take a school break for a day or two this week. My kids need it and I need it. We haven't had a full week of school off since we started last Fall. I think we need it. We are fairly far ahead so it should be fine.
I keep my IF blog friends in my prayers. I said a special prayer to ask St. Joseph's aid tonight. I hope God hears our prayers. I even got weepy over my lost babies today. Sigh. This has to change. I love my family and I need to remain functional. Even on prometrium.

Everyone I know is...

...either pregnant or just had a baby. I can only think of 2-3 women I know(closely) that are not. All ages, all faiths...you name it. Sigh. Here's the thing. I have had bouts of being sad, upset, depressed, anxious, pretty much the gamut of emotions but I finally learned this impulse thing that is helping. I look in the mirror and think "I trust you Lord". All the IF blogs I visit have reflections on this issue, everyone handles it different. I am a different breed of IF since mine is secondary and now has more to do with age than anything else(at least that's what I think). Also, I have children, I have had miscarriage. I don't know of many women that blog from that perspective. I do it for therapeutic reasons and also hope to help someone out there that feels they don't fit in anywhere else. Three miscarriages may not seem like a lot to some but it is plenty for me. I relive the pain daily and try not to let it control me. I want to find good in it. I sometimes grieve more for my family. My daughter wants a baby badly and she is not shy about telling me often. I know she feels lonely, I want God to lead me wherever I need to be for help. I feel I am with the right doctor. I know I am doing the best I can with all I have on my plate to be open to life always.
After my first miscarriage, I had a strong sign from God that I would have another child. Since then, Mr. Thorn's mother told us(before she died) we would have more children. I feel like God is constantly giving me signs to hang in there even when the odds seem so dismal. So I look in the mirror and tell God I trust and hang on. I have even prayed that God take this desire away if it is not meant to be. So if anyone is going through or has gone through something similar, I know, I've been there. With two special needs sons, people wonder why I would possibly want more children. Because God has given me that desire and will not take it away.
Mr. Thorn's grandfather passed away Friday. Things have been more emotional around here since Friday. That's to be expected but frustrating.
I had a lot to offer up for my prayer buddy this week. We are also praying our family rosary for her. I want to help others and often the internet makes me feel, well, helpless. I am good at praying for bloggers though. It is painful when you can't comfort them or feel you might say the wrong thing. Lent is always an interesting journey for me. Usually full of events or drama...I doubt this year will be any different.

Yeah! for Catholic insurance. Really.

Today was the day at the dentist for all three Thorn kids. Check-ups, x-rays and cleaning. They all did well, no cavities. Mama, however, did not do well. They take all three kids back, I'm left alone in the waiting room with 2 pregnant moms(7 months plus), a husband of a pregnant mom and a prima donna mom. So the conversation turns to pregnancy, bed rest, we didn't plan this, etc. I did well, all things considered. The one preg mom says "my youngest is 7yrs, we didn't want more, then SURPRISE!, I'm pregnant". The prima mom says "I don't want more, my husband has had the consults and is supposed to have his surgery next month, I can't wait". She continues. "The worst part is we have CATHOLIC INSURANCE and they won't pay for it. It sucks because I am so done, even if my husband isn't. I'm overwhelmed with my two as it is."

So on one hand my brain is saying "you selfish woman, how insensitive you say such things in public while others cry out for life" Then may brain is going "heck yeah, why should your catholic insurance pay for you to play baby god?" Then I'm thinking...does your husband work for the diocese or do you have the Foresters insurance?

Good grief, what a lousy day at the dentist. As soon as all the complaining pregnant ladies and prima baby god lady left, the lump in my throat turned to tears. I told God I was sorry, I prayed for strength and I am now trying to move on.
Tomorrow is my appointment to follow up on the ultrasound. I hope for the best, I have been having pains, don't know what's going on. Satan has been working on me lately. Finances, homeschool, car problems, peace in our home, baby hopes, all of it. Back off bringing of fear and killer of hope! That's all on that.

I was also very troubled by a recent "appointment" in/around our diocese...I hold onto hope that everything in the dark will be brought to light. I am also thankful to be in Cincinnati(not Covington), to be free from the politics and garbage here. It has been a burden, occasion of sin and in the end, I have always been about following the truth. This is what led me to our parish we now call home and we look forward to Mass again(always).
Sorry if this seems random or vague. Those who have followed my blog for years know we have been through quite a lot. It should not be this much work and stress to follow the truth and be free from falsehoods and questionable liturgy. I pray it is cleaned up one day. I'm sure that is the hope of many Catholics. Until then, pray and hope. "Not worrying" goes against my nature and the way God created me ;)

Update from the doc

I went to dr. I thought I was worse off than he did(I don't know if that is a good sign). He wants to focus on the hormone issue that is causing me to miscarry. I feel I have underlying adrenal and thyroid issues, as did my last doc, but we are only dealing with one thing at a time. So I need a hormone screen starting on P+3 and going every other day to P+12. Mind you, this is with my three kids in tow. Hmm. I got to do it. He doesn't want me losing a lot of weight. Weh. I was hoping that I would be able to get back on my food plan and shed some of my "I've had it with catholic schools, miscarriage and the government, gimme something salty-sweet-then salty then sweet" thing I got caught in. So I will come up with a plan to take better care of myself without shocking my body.
After this screen, we will come up with a plan that I need to stay on for one cycle before we try to achieve again. He also said I have endo until proven otherwise. My OB/GYN never looked into that so that could have caused my M/C this whole time. But I have a plan, a direction and I will follow along whilst praying if this is what God wants for me. In the end, I just want to go where He leads.

On another note, I received the assessment package and enrollment info for homeschool today. We are going to try and tackle these this weekend. Pant pant pant. What have I got myself into?

Back to the baby board

I have a NFP/dr appointment. Now granted, I have thyroid and adrenal issues I need to take care of but I can't believe I am going back into this minefield. I hate to admit I don't have good charting. I haven't been temping since my M/C. I know I will get scolded for these things. I believe I had a good 10CL on CD12 and 13 this month which is awesome for me. I used to be CD 17 or worse. I will keep you all posted on what comes of this. I have a designer friend of mine who has had 4 M/C and is preg in 16 weeks. Sometimes hope sucks. I mean that to be part humorous and part serious. I still have hope. At 41 with 3 miscarriages under my belt, I still believe we may welcome another life some day. I need to get back to praying about this more. Most of my energy has been focused in praying for some other people close to me and for my blog friends that they may get and maintain a pregnancy. What if I still can? What if God is leading me there? I don't know anymore. I'm going into the wild blue with this homeschool thing so who knows.
My diet stinks. Stress does that to me. I cannot get healthy and pregnant(and carry to term) alone. No way. It will take serious divine intervention on this. Ora pro nobis.

Still alive

I have been nauseous and sleepy but overly thankful to being feeling symptoms. I barely made it through Mass today. I have less than 2 days before I go to the OB with dh to see how things are progressing. I'm preparing to hear the "advanced maternal age" line and just hope for a heartbeat(something I have not heard in almost 8 years). I am glad that I won't be alone. I am really trying hard not to be nervous, but I am human and it is so hard not to worry. I keep trying to brainwash myself that this time is different and to look at how utterly crappy(i.e., symptomatic) I feel. This works sometimes. I am trying to do as I tell my kids and "offer it up".
We were in Columbus all day Thursday and I was so wiped out after that. I forget how this prometrium takes the wind out of you. I am struggling to stay awake right now and I need to get a roast in the oven(which sounds horrid at the moment). The food plan is not going well. Most of the time I don't feel like eating anything. And when I do eat, 20 minutes later, the nausea kicks in big time. So it is a battle of yuck vs. ick. It is taking a tremendous amount of trust in God and some days are better than others. Some days it is impossible to get out of bed or off the couch. I have a huge wholesale order to complete and I need to get motivated for that and to finish my spring line...period. There is no backup. I am it. I will post when I have some results or news from the OB. I pray it is hopeful and good.

Now what

The doctor's office called with the results, thankfully they went to the lab STAT again. My number today was 16,649. Hmmm. They said it's not bad but it's not really telling us much. The doctor is actually feeling positive. He is consulting with a perinetologist in the morning to see what to do next. They really believe the ultrasound was a fluke and because of the tilted uterus, the measurement and findings were flawed. Sigh. You know, I am actually okay with all of this. God wants me to pray, pray, pray and that is what I shall do. We are definitely going to wait awhile for another ultrasound and I am more than fine with that. I'm thinking even the 12 week mark. I cannot thank those of you enough that have prayed and kept me in your thoughts. Other than my kids, husband and parents, I have more support online than I have locally here. It makes a big difference. So I will keep you posted on what happens next, I just don't know. God knows and really, that's all that matters.

Going back

I'm leaving in a bit for another round of blood work. I feel very pregnant today which makes it hard. Nauseous, woozy, sore, I got it all. If I had given up hope, I wouldn't be going at all. Mr. Thorn is going with me, it is his last day off(he's still not 100%, can't eat solid food and voice is still bad). I will know tomorrow I suppose but what I will know may not even be definitive. If it continues to go up/goes up substantially I will wait awhile for another U/S and pray for a miracle. My tipped uterus makes it difficult to get anything on the sonogram and the other day was just weird. They really didn't know what they were seeing. I'm doing surprisingly well. I think I have wavered back to the hopeful camp and I blame it on the aspect of faith being "something there I cannot see". It also hit me like a ton of bricks in the middle of the night last night that I am trusting medical people and not God. It was weird. First thing I thought of when I woke in the dark last night. I also had a dream I met Hugo Chavez with my brother last night and we went to sight see in an amusement park with him. If that isn't a pregnancy dream, I don't know what is. Once this event passes, for better or worse, my blog won't be so "crisis" related. I'm just a bit on "auto pilot" right now with my life.

Bit of a scare

Before my prometrium last night I had a tinge of brown spotting. I cried then got my wits about me and spent the rest of the night with my feet up on the couch. I did read a bit online that traces of brown spotting are okay but given my history and age, I was concerned. Mr. Thorn stayed downstairs with me most of the night. I kept my St. Gerard handkerchief by my side all night. This morning the spotting was totally gone but I have GOT to take it easy this weekend and not work(against my grain). I prayed a lot and know I am to trust. I remembered these words from yesterday:

Shall I bring a mother to the point of birth, and yet not let her child be born? Says the Lord; Or shall I who allow her to conceive, yet close her womb? says your God. Isaiah 66:9

I'm going to sit with a Sprite and watch TV.

An one more thing...

A blog friend who I pray for all the time is expecting! Please keep her in your prayers, she is a doll!

I'm so happy for her.

Announcement

Nervous and sad

I got the bloodwork results back and I'm scared and nervous. Last week HCG was 55(not progeterone) and progesterone level was 26. Yesterday's test was 95 HCG and 14 progesterone. They cancelled my nurse intake appointment tomorrow. It makes me feel like the pregnancy is failing. They are testing me again tomorrow. I need a miracle. I'm just scared. Please pray for a miracle. I need something to hold on to today.

What does it mean, man?!

I'm craving orange juice and the Arby's Cheddar Melt. On Friday, I doused my fish in so much malt vinegar it was dripping. Cravings are bizarre. I'm getting anxious about the appointments this week. I have been feeling crampy and given my last miscarriage, it is a bit nerve-wracking. I need something to give me energy, that's for sure. This no caffeine thing isn't something I would recommend. Unless you have to do it. I'm drinking caffeine free tea and then the ever wonderful Sprite and water. I don't much feel like eating in the morning ever. No idea what any of this means. I will be a bit relieved when I hear that heartbeat. Patience. Yuck, I stink at it.
(Photo credit)

Details, schmeetails...

I wanted to wait until I heard back from the doctor's office on the lab work. I had them do a progesterone test at the same time. It's official. On the progesterone, it is high. 55. I have been using pro-gest cream but minimally. They want to retest me next week. It should be in the 9-47 range and it's 55. What does it mean? Um, maybe multiples to the best of my Google knowledge. They are getting me in to see the doctor fairly quickly. I spent most of the day crying when I found out because I've had dozens of negative tests and really wasn't expecting anything. I did have spotting on day 27-28 of the cycle. Implantation? Dunno. Two and a half long years(I know many wait much longer). I will say, I received my St. Gerard handkerchief this month. I will continue to pray for those still waiting for the gift of children. You girls kept me going and gave me hope when I felt hopeless. So I am doing everything I can in a proactive manner this time around. One baby aspirin, one application of pro-gest per day, folic acid, B6 and Red Raspberry Leaf. And NO caffeine. Thank you all for your prayers and kindness. I will report when I have news. I hope and pray it is good. Thank you, St. Gerard, St. Philomena and St. Maria Goretti for prayers answered.

God works in such wonderous ways

This morning, over coffee, I read over some of my blogs, followed a link and found a blogger's announcement of a surprise. Castle of the Immaculate: my big surprise
I left a comment, got teary-eyed and somehow, I think my day will be a bit better. I have asked for God to take the desire for more children away if it is not His will and He has not. Not from me nor my family. So I wait, I pray and anticipate an addition to our family some day, whatever day. I need to add this blog. She is truly inspirational!

Castle of the Immaculate

Babies for singles and seniors. Knew this was coming...

Children without sex is what the future holds, claims inventor of the Pill

After reading this, I can see where selfish whips in their 60's who want to leave a legacy could try to have babies late in life to leave a legacy.

The Pill gave women freedom from the fear of pregnancy and the horror of backstreet abortion, but many see it as a cursed invention that is almost single-handedly to blame for the sexual revolution which brought about — as its critics see it — a wholesale collapse of moral values across the Western world.

Djerassi does not concur with this damning verdict on the legacy of his invention. He argues that society was changing anyway; the Pill just smoothed the way.

"The sexual revolution of the Sixties coincided with the introduction of the Pill — the Pill did not bring it about," he says bluntly. "The Pill came along at the right time, in the same period as hippy culture, the drug culture and rock ’n’ roll culture.

Bleak and shallow. As someone "not in my prime" trying to conceive, the whole notion of this is alarming and cold. Is anyone really surprised? Playing God has become commonplace. Now a woman can use her "eggs" anytime she wants to...

A light at the end...

I'm getting "unburied" with my workload and things are looking up. I spent this whole week catching up and if all goes well, I will be able to take one of my last mommy days, before school is out, shopping! There is much going on here spiritually and instead of trying to sort everything out, I am going to let God lead me. I am sure I need some down time from work this summer and my kids need me too. No pregnancy yet, another month has come and gone. I still have faith and trust.
More orders to finish tonight and I am looking forward to spending some family time this weekend.
All of our favorite shows are over for the year(24, Smallville, Supernatural) so hopefully there are some good movies coming out. It is starting to feel like summer...