A quick one

Thank you for commenting on the fostering post awhile back. I am going through a rough patch with the 3 kids, starting them on a new diet(SCD) and not going so well. I don't think I will ever feel really good about my sons' autism. Right now, I'm in a bitter place and that is not good. I am putting too much pressure on myself to make them better, change things, change life and I just can't I know it is our goal to make sure our children have a better life than we do but sometimes, you just can't. It just doesn't work.

While I should be happy for pregnant friends and warmer weather, I'm just feeling really down. I need to find something to hope for, as usual. Maybe I need my sons to stay autistic, to do a better job accepting them and move on with trying to "help them" overcome autism.

I'm mad at the diet, mad at the government, tired of the world becoming autistic yet feeling overwhelmed. I often think that I don't know one person in my life that could handle a week in my shoes. That's not something to be positive about, not really. Unless I think that God trusted me, knew I'd be patient and strong and although I feel alone, most of the time, it has kept me clinging to Christ all these years.

So I will pray this week, decide what to do and move on, if I need to. There has to be another way. I just have to pray that I find it.

Prayer Buddy and Lent thoughts

Been very busy and suffice it to say, Lent went off with a bang. Day before Ash Wednesday my eye was swollen shut. Ash Wednesday I was so looking forward to Mass in the evening and I got a huge pain across my back in the shoulder blades that kept me from walking much and unable to sit up without a heating pad, missed Mass and cried. So my prayer buddy(picked from Sew Infertile's blog) has some wonderful "offering it up" items :) We have decided to say the rosary every day during Lent as a family so she will have those prayers too. I prayer very hard for my infertile blog friends, hope this goes well.
I am having the kids make Lenten calendars and a Lenten jar to help us. I told them I want Jesus to transform them during Lent. Sometimes, I don't think kids realize when they are being selfish or impulsive. The boys have so much to work on there, approaching the puberty years will not be fun. I have been warned.
So tomorrow we are hoping to go to stations and maybe a fish fry. The youngest Thorn's birthday party is this weekend so lots to do there, too.
I am balancing so much, new business ventures and trying to stay on top of homeschool. Sometimes I look back at the week and wonder how I got it all in. I don't get to blog as much, not as much personal time. I can handle that. I keep telling God I can't do this alone and not to leave me. Sometimes the wonder of God chokes me up and I cry. That's okay, huh? It's getting to crying every Sunday at Mass. I cried when I told the kids about the gift of their Catholic faith today. If I cry and they get it, it must be working.

Some news, some snow and you know...

So I have a og friend who has baby news, I am so, so happy about. AYWH and her dh brought home their baby girl yesterday and it made my day, week and more! Honestly, this is more exciting than me finding out we are expecting(I'm not, I'm just saying, I have followed her blog so long and all...) So, if you need a lift and to witness God's amazing love for us, visit and see the happy family.
Next, we are recovering for what seemed like a crazy holiday with me on prometrium(ack, what side effects I had) and catching up with work related business and school. We have a large order to finish and ship and we are trying to complete our second quarter of homeschool. So I will be brief so I can get back to work before the kids come in dripping with snow.
I made a purchase this week for our homeschool classroom in hopes that it would solve some of the ADD issues we are having with staying on task and motivation my younger son to finish work and lessons. It should be delivered tomorrow and looks promising. It is called The Appreciation Station and it is a reward "vending machine" that you can adapt and use to suit your own needs and those of the child. Here is where we purchased it from, it is on clearance and a great price!


The Appreciation Station
For free shipping, use code 391467 at checkout.
Anyway, I am excited because it reiterates the parenting style I have consistently used with my boys(with much success) in rewarding positive behaviors. We plan on using coupons for time with mom or dad, family game and movie nights and some trinkets. I will report back how it works out.
Okay, I need to move on and get in a lot of work today. I would like to blog more but sometimes life gets crazy.
If you would like to follow me on Facebook(I'm much more active there now), post a comment(I won't publish) of how to find you and connect with you there. My frenetic life seems to be more short bursts/FB style at the present time. I'm not giving up the blog, I just know until summer, I will be busy...lol.

I don't know who is more anxious

The kids or me. The end of the school year is full of crazy stuff. Field trips, projects, music stuff and I am trying to figure out how I am going to adapt to a new lifestyle. When they come home, that's it. They are home for good. My hope is that homeschool will transform behaviors and self-esteem. I am trusting God this time and this is almost as "heavy duty" as when I trusted God by getting married instead of entering a convent. I have no idea what will happen. I can put other people(okay, my kids) on a schedule but I am not so good at it. Mostly because I have been working for myself now for 8 years. So in a way, I will be on a clock. We are sending in the registration this week and hope to get curriculum in June.

I have actually started a personal blog(where I don't have to write under a pen name) to share stories of home life, fertility, homeschool and autism. Mr. Thorn is *supposed* to be jumping in soon to post. For those that follow this blog that would like me to send you the link, just leave an email in the comments(I won't publish) and I will send you the link. We just needed a place to share pictures and be more in depth with our journey. So there you have it.

There is also a woman we know who has been instrumental with education and homeschool who is in the hospital and very sick. Please keep her in your prayers.

He won't let up

Mike McConnell returns from "vacation"

McConnell on autism

This is a podcast and not sure if it will link. Instead of saying "here's what I really meant" or "sorry I was misunderstood" he continues to say parents of autistic children are whack and want it our way all the time and on and on. It saddens me that he truly lacks compassion and understanding. I don't feel that "God screwed up my life" by giving me my son's(with their special needs). I absolutely know it is not about me. I sacrifice a lot for the sake of my children(my health, my sanity, my social life, my free time). It is most frustrating that he perpetuates misinformation about what autism is. I will say that from the letters he was reading, it seems that some are confusing him with Michael Savage by bringing up the "absent father" issue.

If you listen to the podcast, I will agree with the "teacher" letter. If my kids were disruptive or too much for the classroom, I have always told teachers and principals to let me know(I will deal with it and find a new school or home school, period). I don't feel my kids are "entitled". I feel they are blessed but never entitled. As long as they can meld into their Catholic school classroom and act within bounds, I thank God for what they have received. The structure that most Catholic schools offer is an amazing environment for them. I still believe that they can be successful by knowing, loving and serving God(as opposed to the world view of success).

One other thing I agree with? What he said about the parent using language and names he couldn't use on the air(as being wrong/bad). That is not helping our cause one iota. Talk like a respectful adult and people will take you seriously. I can't tell you how many websites I went to that I could not link on my blog because they were so crass and nasty. I'm officially torn on this issue because his method of making a point perpetuates the stereotype of autistic kids but the "parents" are the ones I don't want to be associated with. For the most part, I have found many to have a sense of entitlement, foul mouthed and defeatist attitude. Not all, but many. There are those of us just trying to make a better life for our kids. I thank and show gratitude to whomever helps our family in any way. Most do not know how much it means when they show us kindness and aid. I went without any help for so many years that now, I fear turning down any help, therapy or assistance(even if it is not helping) because I'm so thankful.
So for those parents that think screaming and cursing is an effective way to represent "parents of autistic children", get off the roster. You aren't helping those of us just trying to get through the day or your children. And the radio hosts that have become "experts" in the autism spectrum, pick on someone else. We are too strung out to have to deal with the backlash of your uneducated comments.

I missed a local idiot

A local talk show host in Cincinnati went on a hate diatribe last week, before Michael Savage, and I missed it. I found many articles about the mess but all of them, unfortunately, drop the f-bomb all over so I can't link to them. I get that parents are angry. I get that they feel this doesn't help our fight to get the public to understand our life and those of our children. It doesn't help when you can't speak in a manner which allows people to take you seriously. I have had my own version of bigotry in our neighborhood and my children's former school/parish. It sucks and doesn't help that there is a lot of misinformation about autism in the media.
Here is a clean version of the story I found at Cafemom:

Get your autistic kid out!!!

On his July 14 program, Cincinnati radio talk show host Mike McConnell (of AM powerhouse WLW) addressed the topic of autistic kids. Among other things, McConnell opines that parents with autistic children should immediately remove misbehaving children from restaurants so the remaining patrons can enjoy their meal. ("Misbehavior" apparently means anything from mild crying on up.)

My kids behave well...in public(almost always....they are kids mind you). I been shocked on numerous occasion(including after Mass) when we have strangers comment on how well behaved they are. It is a 24/7 job and I take it seriously. If they are disruptive, like when they were toddlers, we deal with it. I'm amazed by the know-it-all shock jocks taking pot shots at autistic children and the parents lately. I get enough of that locally(hack hack). I would pay money to see McConnell and Savage spend a weekend with a group of severely autistic(or even mild for that matter) children ALONE. Just them and say 5 kids. That would be one awesome reality show! Go pick on people who make a choice to be inept and careless. My kids were made this way by government mandated vaccines. You want to go after a moron, go after the CDC and big pharm but leave me and my usually well behaved children alone. Sorry for the rant. This is getting old.

What a rude dope

Radio host angers parents of autistic children

I stopped listening to him years ago when he took pot shots at the entire Catholic church. He needs to be canned for such asinine statements. I give him one day with my boys before he cries for mercy.
Here's an excerpt:

On his radio show last week, he said: "What do you mean they scream and they're silent? They don't have a father around to tell them, `Don't act like a moron. You'll get nowhere in life. Stop acting like a putz. Straighten up. Act like a man. Don't sit there crying and screaming, you idiot.'"

He needs prayers. Badly.

Update on vaccinations

A father left a very interesting comment regarding his experience with vaccination. This is in reference to an entry from 9/07 found here: Vaccinations and newborns

Here is his comment:

I found this blog while researching this article. My wife and I have a 3 month old that we have chosen not to vaccinate. We made this decision after significant research starting well before she was born. I have been to seminars regarding this topic and feel the evidence points to the need not vaccinate. We see a chiropractic professional weekly who speaks often on this topic on the dangers of vaccines and autism. Their approach is not to interfere what God has given our bodies, if the spine has the healthy curvature and free from sublixation a babies immune system is sufficient to combat illness. Vaccinations only promote short term immunity and contain many toxins. I feel that we have been persecuted by our decision as this past week our day care provider that works out of her home told us that she would refuse to take care of our child after watching her for a month after concerns from another parent about our child not being vaccinated. Our child has met all her milestones for her age and is very alert bright eyed. Our health care provider mentions he can see obvious difference that a baby vaccinated loses alertness. I cannot be coincidental that there are so many people that have the same thought independently.

Thank you, Chris. We will pray that you may have the strength and means to overcome any negative consequences of your decision. You did the right thing. Stay strong! (I continue to get hits daily to my blog for this topic. Very interesting indeed.)

Something to watch

Families will make case for vaccine link to autism
I have been following this and hope this results in a positive outcome for the families. Their story is very similar to my second son's journey. I will not be surprised to see big pharm block this somehow. My prayers are with these families today.

Sometimes I forget...

I read a wonderful post over at Fr. Schnippel's blog on a speech his sister gave recently. You can read the entire text HERE.

Sometimes, life here with the boys(and their autism) is hard but it takes a witness like this(Tania) to realize how far both of my boys have come. My oldest son could not be left in a room alone because he would harm himself or break things(or run out into a busy street...yes, he knew how to undo locks and deadbolts). This was the norm until age 3.5. He would kick me in the stomach when I was pregnant with son #2. Other than a therapist coming in one or two days a week, I had very little help. We did not have a strong support system and with special needs children(who are unpredictable) play dates and friends were out. When son #2 came along, he was fine until age 4 when he received his second MMR and other vaccines. Within a month he lost toileting, speech, the ability to sleep through the night and making eye contact. He could only scribble when the other kids in kindergarten were making trees, letters, shapes and people. I was still very much alone to deal with daily life and we took everything with prayer and tears. Thankfully, they were given the opportunity to attend a Catholic school. This was a miracle and I continue to thank God everyday for this gift(as I know it is not the norm).

Both boys have been on honor roll, they have both made their First Communion, they have friends, they have a sense of humor. Last night at Mass, my oldest came out after Mass to extinguish the candles and they were very high. I was nervous. But then as I stood in the doorway, I told God silently that I wanted to preserve that image as long as I could. He reached all the candles. He loves serving at Mass. He has said "That is all I want to do, Mom". I have never forced him or pushed. In fact, I was nervous about him taking on such a task with his disability. But I covered my bases, made sure he was okay and he continues to amaze me. Autistic children shouldn't be able to be still at Mass(let alone serve at the altar). They usually don't make friends. They rarely are admitted to a "normal" Catholic school. It is rare that they "get" God or faith(because they are very literal). They not only "get" God but understand the faith and turn to prayer whenever life lodges a hard ball at them. So what happened? Why are they different among the different? Prayer. Maybe a gift from God. But as I watched my oldest in front of that amazing altar, I didn't want time to continue. I wanted him to stay little, and innocent and a miracle. But that wouldn't be God's will. So time will go on and things will change. They will grow up and I will pray that God leads them to be what He created them to be. It is hard for me not to be hopeful when they have defied the odds. Who knows what God has in store for them...
(Thank you, Father Kyle. It took the words of your sister for me to be so thankful for all I have. Autism and all.)

And the spiritual attack of the month award goes to...

Here is a brief update on our boys:
In recent weeks, our family has been attacked(and I mean that in a literal sense) by ugly and hate-filled neighbors. I needed to calm down a bit because it was so "out-of-no-where" and demonic. Basically, if my boys are outside and my husband and I are not around, a demonic neighbor here will "take them out". My kids have been staying inside. They made slanderous statements about their autism and disabilities. Therapists and doctors are trying to help us overcome this new hurdle. One of the therapists that works with the boys said he saw major regression last week in the behavior and self-esteem. If you are asking why the police aren't involved, well, we went that route. Since there was no punches thrown or blood spilled, they chose not to get involved. We are on our own. I shouldn't say that. It is only by the grace of God that we are able to leave the house everyday and find strength. I have been busying myself praying for our aggressors. I pray that God touches them and changes their heart. This is not something I have any control over. I have put it in God's hands. I am, however, over-protective and cautious. I don't know how else to be right now.

O LORD my God, in thee do I take refuge; save me from all my pursuers, and deliver me, lest like a lion they rend me, dragging me away, with none to rescue.
O LORD my God, if I have done this, if there is wrong in my hands, if I have requited my friend with evil or plundered my enemy without cause, let the enemy pursue me and overtake me, and let him trample my life to the ground, and lay my soul in the dust.
Arise, O LORD, in thy anger, lift thyself up against the fury of my enemies; awake, O my God; thou hast appointed a judgment.
Let the assembly of the peoples be gathered about thee; and over it take thy seat on high.
(from Psalm 7)

One of the many things.

Mornings in our home are stressful. Not the normal form of stressful, they are insane. The boys both engage in a play of echolalia that would drive a normal, sane person up a wall. They love to hear themselves talk, make noise and imitate things they have heard. This goes on for as long as they are together. In a home where there is only one autistic child, this may not happen, since there is definitely a synergistic element. In our home, it explodes, into a cacophony of baby voices, chatter, high pitched squeals and irritating sound effects. I have a friend that says "I don't know how you get through it". Honestly, I don't know how I do. It goes on sometimes for hours(on the weekends) and the noise is often deafening. Add to that their fascination with stuffed animals and animating them and it seems like an episode of Barney when they practice whining and high pitched chicken noises.

How is that for a slice of life? I don't post often about the difficulties of living with autism. It has become such a part of our daily regimen that I sometimes forget that it's not normal. Today, I realized it is only not normal but would tried the holiest of saint's patience. I also post this so that other parents, possibly with recently diagnosed children with Asperger's or Autism will know they are not alone. There are many of us. My day is full of a constant stream of prayer, asking for patience, meekness and courage. It is through them that I see my weakness. Through them that I must rely on God for my strength. I could not imagine raising my boys without my faith. I will "slice of life" more on another day.
(UPDATE: I had to go back at edit my grammar for fear Catholic Grammar Girl would catch me. I didn't have coffee this am so I did the best I could)

How can I not be angry?

The Age of Autism: 'A pretty big secret'

(found via NOR link)

From the article:

But thousands of children cared for by Homefirst Health Services in metropolitan Chicago have at least two things in common with thousands of Amish children in rural Lancaster: They have never been vaccinated. And they don't have autism.

"Sometimes you feel frustrated because you feel like you've got a pretty big secret," Schattauer said. He argues for more research on all those disorders, independent of political or business pressures.

Earlier this year Florida pediatrician Dr. Jeff Bradstreet said there is virtually no autism in home-schooling families who decline to vaccinate for religious reasons -- lending credence to Eisenstein's observations.

"It's largely non-existent," said Bradstreet, who treats children with autism from around the country. "It's an extremely rare event."

The article is from 2005. Wow. In all my research, I have never come across these findings. It is mind-blowing that the Amish and non-secularized populations of children have not been brought to the forefront in this issue of vaccinations. While I agree that vaccines have rid our society of many diseases, is the millions and millions of cases of autism worth where we are now? The government has not helped our family with aid and help for the current crisis.(We finally qualified for the Kentucky Autism Waiver program about 10 months ago. The first "aid" in my sons 11 years with autism) It is something that will burden our family for the rest of our lives. I blame myself for my second son being autistic. I knew better and I caved to my doctors demands. Why? Pride. I didn't want to lose a "good doctor" and I was embarrassed every time I came to the office and was lectured. That guilt will haunt me forever. He could have had a normal life. Don't fault parents that don't vaccinate. Until the socialist government that is supposed to protect us comes up with a better plan, cut us a freaking break. You aren't living with this, we are. You aren't taking the blame for this, we are(this is directed to those who have visited my blog with non-so-nice comments about how my lack of parenting skills will be responsible for the downfall of our modern world). I have much to be thankful for but vaccines and the "CDC" aren't on the list. I have only one child they didn't get their hooks into. I intend to keep it that way.

Chalk one up for the parents

Feds admit vaccine 'aggravated' autism
Critics: Ruling major concession
after years of government denials

This is huge but getting very little press. I hope this opens the door for parents to have some justice against big pharm and the vaccines with which they are killing our children.

Thimerosal in vaccines is suspected of causing brain damage and weakening the immune system, making some children susceptible later to infection from measles, mumps and rubella shots.

I'm not a big fan of lawsuits but they suck. This is in court while they continue to mandate inoculations. Hopefully our government will stop selling out our kids. I will never know what my children may have become had I not vaccinated.

Religious exemptions

Parents Use Religion to Avoid Vaccines

This was the lead NOR story this morning. As much as it is disturbing, since no other exemption will hold up, many are using it. I believe it is both wrong to mandate vaccines for religious and moral reasons. But with two autistic boys and many fights with the pediatrician under my belt, who can blame me?

Vaccinations and newborns

My brain has been on this lately and it is hard not to worry. I am convinced that vaccinations caused my boys autism. I found this 2003 article on WND that sums up my rage against the CDC:
Newborn vaccinated over parents' objections
Orwellian nightmare for 'persecuted' couple
as armed guards ensure infant's vaccination
Of particular interest and in total agreement I found this:

"We believe in God, and that God has created us in his image. In being created in God's image, we are given his perfect immune system. We are bestowed with His gift, the immune system. We believe it is sacrilegious and a violation of our sacred religious beliefs to violate what God has given us by showing a lack of faith in God. Immunizations are a lack of faith in God and His protection, the immune system," the father maintains.

If we are to be people of faith then this has to be true. I first have religious objections to vaccines and second, I believe the government is trying to poison our children because they are "in bed with" big pharmaceuticals. I have a right to believe this(it's a free country, or so we are told).
A friend of mine told me Jenny McCarthy was on Oprah yesterday discussing her new book about her son, Evan, who is autistic. Like my younger son, he started showing obvious signs much after birth(age 2). For my son it was age 4. The connection? Both my son and Evan were vaccinated right before they "lost" everything. All those milestones, eye contact, for my son, toileting, sleep, happiness. It is a parents worst nightmare. You wake up one day and someone has taken your happy, precious child and replaced him with an apathetic robot who you can never keep content or happy. Thankfully, we have stopped vaccinating completely and my daughter has no signs at all. She had no vaccines after 6 month(much to the dismay of her pediatrician).
Why am I spouting off on this subject? I believe it is my job to warn other parents. No one else will. The government won't do it, the hospital won't do it and your doctor certainly won't do it.
As a family, we are in damage control mode now. Whatever we can do to make their burden lighter and their lives a bit easier, we do for them. But I can't go back and say no. I live with that guilt everyday. Now that I am informed, I'm a doctor's nightmare. That's what a protective mother bear should be. Here is the link for the book:

Louder Than Words: A Mother's Journey in Healing Autism

Another interesting link/study can be found here:

California/Oregon Unvaccinated Study

"We surveyed over 9,000 boys in California and Oregon and found that vaccinated boys had a 155% greater chance of having a neurological disorder like ADHD or autism than unvaccinated boys." -Generation Rescue, June 26, 2007

Scary stuff, no?

A child-speak funny...

I took the kids to Mass by myself today(nausea and all) and they were very well behaved. Halfway through Mass, my younger son whispers "Latin must be really popular now". I couldn't help but smile. It was crowded today, a lot of new people which was a delayed effect of 9/14/07 and that was still so encouraging to see. I told the kids I would take them to lunch after Mass because I was so grateful for good behavior and getting through without incident. My younger son asked me on the way home if we could pray for that old man who was poor we saw a few months ago. Wow. Not only did he remember but he said he was worried he lost his house and needed our prayer. This from an autistic boy who should be self-involved and apathetic. It made my day. Still nauseous and still smiling that my son "gets it" and I'm very pregnant. Hope everyone else is having a wonderful Sunday.

Thank you for posting!

For those of you who prayed the TLM, went to celebrations, etc., thank you for blogging! I have visited a few to see what everyone did and where they went and it warms my heart to see the support and interest.
As a side note(unrelated), it was good to see my oldest son interested in watching on EWTN. I pray that my efforts in their religious education benefit them in life. As the mother of two autistic boys, sameness is essential to both their comfort level and survival. After we prayed our first TLM as a family, I saw how relaxed, interested and attentive they became. My middle son informed me over pizza on Sunday that he is used to the TLM now and wants to go all the time. I'm sure some of you would wonder why a boy who doesn't understand much Latin would say such a thing. No surprises, no bathing suits, no crazy folk songs....I think sameness is the crucial issue. Sameness and structure is what they crave. If they want a unique experience, we take them to a new restaurant. I post these things so others will know that we need to give children more credit. They are not dumb and as a parent, I need to enrich their spiritual life and feed them. For my boys, who may never be successful in the eyes of society, I want them to have a firm faith. Filled with sights and sounds and the supernatural. Right now, they get that through our local indult TLM. I hope to build a foundation that will stand up to puberty, societal norms, feel good religions and the stress of everyday life. I don't always succeed and I'm far from perfect. It is just my hope and why I have arrived at the spiritual place called now.

Pre-Motu Sunday

The motu proprio was mentioned at Mass this morning. Oddly enough, it was quite crowded. It is never "empty" but it is neither packed. While Father may have knew how it would be received, it was still good to hear on a local level. There was also 2 first communions today which was very nice. For the first time in a long time, my oldest son did wonderfully today at Mass. His med changes have made it difficult not to have focus or OCD issues crop up at Mass but he did very well today. They are readying the garden for our 4th of July/son's birthday party on Wednesday. It is just nice when Sunday starts off the right way. I have so much to do to get ready...

Is there hope for autism?

Scientists eye an enzyme as target in fighting autism

The researchers knew that when PAK was inactivated, the mice developed neurons that had short, fat dendritic spines, with a higher-than-usual capacity for relaying the electrical impulses that pass between brain cells.

In other words, the shape and function of the dendritic spines in the PAK mice was just the reverse of those seen in the brain cells of the mice with Fragile X syndrome.

The researchers gambled that the two abnormalities would cancel each other out, and that's exactly what the experiment showed.

My oldest is always telling me "Mom, I just want to be like the other kids. I want to get rid of this autism thing". Breaks my heart. He is so untypically sensitive and gets his feelings hurt easily. When you are different, that is a hard cross to carry. I want for my children to have a life that is typical. The disorder makes it hard to gauge if they will ever be capable of living alone, marrying or having a vocation. I know I am not the only mother praying for a cure....

Oh, and let's keep it out of the hands of the government before they muck that up too.