Thursday, March 10, 2011

Foster/adopt update and a "wth?"

We had a panel meeting this week for our fostering adopt class. We had a state worker, a foster family, adopted teen, etc. It was good, put me in a place where I had some questions answered and we are now one meeting and 2 home visits away from completion.
Then. Then...CD1....a 23 days cycle. That is my official "wth?". Never had a 23 day anything. Didn't even get my HCG injections post peak and CD1. Boo for CD1. Boo, I say. Haha. At 43 I can say whatever I want about CD1.
So I took my 8 Femara pills...went off my HCG diet, plan on starting back up next week(yeah, I am breaking all the rules) and just dealing best I can. My friends are edging closer to their "birth dates" and I am doing okay. They are in the over-35 crowd and honestly, an inspiration so I am okay. Now if they were 20-somethings and mean to me and insensitive, that's another matter. I know all this....this stuff, this miscarriage, infertility, miscarriage, weight loss, weight gain, loss, friend 1 then 2 then another, then HCG for me, another year older, friends due dates....this stuff, is all for a reason. I just don't know what ha is. I pray that God leads me in the right direction. I also hope that if I should stop hoping, I be lead away so I can move on. But I am still here, desiring family, children, babies, mommydom.

So there it is. In all it's glory. So tonight, a night out with the girls(I hope) and then work on my business, get homeschool grades together and get my Lent on. I need to blog hop and see what he other infertile/MC ladies are up to...

Thursday, February 24, 2011

A quick one

Thank you for commenting on the fostering post awhile back. I am going through a rough patch with the 3 kids, starting them on a new diet(SCD) and not going so well. I don't think I will ever feel really good about my sons' autism. Right now, I'm in a bitter place and that is not good. I am putting too much pressure on myself to make them better, change things, change life and I just can't I know it is our goal to make sure our children have a better life than we do but sometimes, you just can't. It just doesn't work.

While I should be happy for pregnant friends and warmer weather, I'm just feeling really down. I need to find something to hope for, as usual. Maybe I need my sons to stay autistic, to do a better job accepting them and move on with trying to "help them" overcome autism.

I'm mad at the diet, mad at the government, tired of the world becoming autistic yet feeling overwhelmed. I often think that I don't know one person in my life that could handle a week in my shoes. That's not something to be positive about, not really. Unless I think that God trusted me, knew I'd be patient and strong and although I feel alone, most of the time, it has kept me clinging to Christ all these years.

So I will pray this week, decide what to do and move on, if I need to. There has to be another way. I just have to pray that I find it.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

I'm back!

So sorry :( I have many of my blog friends on Facebook and I keep up there. Truth be told, the last 2 months have been a blur. My business and homeschool took over the months of November and December. I have also been struggling with my fertility(and lack thereof) plus going through the classes for fostering to adopt. It has been going okay, not great. I started on HCG to help with fertility/hormones. I celebrated another birthday. It was like a funeral and didn't hit me until last night. A women in the fostering class popped off a snide comment about catholics and while three of us compared notes on fertility drugs and side effects, this said woman was making odd remarks on not "speaking baby stuff". I wish I could say it's been a positive experience but I will not make a judgement call this early. We have 7 more meetings to go.

I am a bit dead on the fertility issue. 43 is not fun. Every year I have less hope, more tears and less understanding surrounding me. I want to embrace the thought of adoption. I want to believe God has a plan and these tears are a phase. So many birth announcements, babies and births. I have witnessed miracles. I have not completely lost hope. I'm just in mourning. Is that odd? I don't have anyone here, or close, that understands how it feels or why I am sad. Uhg.

So here is what I am doing. I have femara, 6 pills on CD2. Then on P plus 3 I start the HCG injections. I am on my 2nd cycle with HCG and I will test on P plus 7 to see what the hormones look like. I am also starting another round of the HCG diet back up later this week. I pray, I cry, I avoid the problem, I try to find hope. That's about it.(Maybe you can see why I took a blog break)

I needed to blog after last night's meeting. It was hard. I revealed how we lost 4 babies through miscarriage. I felt alone. I will keep blogging on the fostering/adoption. I know it helps others make a decision. I already feel betting being about to log what I am going through. I pray someday I will be able to look back at how hard this has been and that I got through it. I'm still trying to decide if hope is a good thing or deceitful.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Infertility and Facebook

I thought this article was interesting although I do not do this.

Why Your Infertile Friends May Be Hiding You From Their Facebook Feed

It never occur ed to me to block people who are pregnant. Sometimes, it actually helps me to not focus on myself and my infertile/miscarriage history. Anyway...thought it was interesting that this is a "thing" now. I can see where some women may do this to cope.

Starting HCG this cycle(yeah)

So I am on the HCG diet. Losing weight nicely. Dr. is having me start HCG injection this cycle on P+3. I will keep you posted. For the record I am on Femara, progesterone and estrodiol on P+3-12 and now 10,000iu HCG on P+3.

I'm having funky side pain from the Femara today so I will cut this post short.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Back on HCG

Back on R2P2 of HCG diet. I'm trying to tell myself this is not forever. I'm not going to say that eating 500 calories a day is fun. Before you scold me(haha), you can read about the HCG called Pounds and Inches by Dr. Simeon. I feel better, this time I am down 15 lbs, but I have the dbl progesterone and estrodial to deal with(oh, and Femara). I'm not starving just thinking about food more than I should and have told myself it is the hormone supplements. I didn't have that last time.

I recommend the HCG diet if you have thyroid issues or adrenal fatigue. I could not successfully lose weight before this diet. I ate less and worked harder than most and either lost 2 lbs in one month or nothing and sometimes even gained. I think it would be awesome for those with PCOS, too.

So I will see where this cycle ends, hoping for a baby, trying not to be anything but a realist regarding this matter. I am 42, I love babies and children and pray for God's Will. I still hope. I've been scolded for "obsessing over my miscarriages/babies/infertility." I am only here to please God and I have asked God to take this desire away if it is never meant to be. That's about it.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Update. My life went crazy

CD1 came and went. First there was anger and tears(52 days was the official count). Then I decided, at my age, I should be glad I even have a CD1(funny, ok, not really). Then I went through it, life got odd and I landed here.For some crazy reason, my business took off again. Not just an "I sold a few things" back to pre-Obama volume.So I am scrambling trying to keep up with school, get my fall and holiday stuff completed and get these orders out the door.
I've come to the conclusion if I was sitting around sulking and being bummed about things, I would be useless. I'm very busy, didn't see it coming and barely keeping up.
So this morning, I am up early with a "Femara" headache, thinking about fixing a pot of coffee and working before the kids get up.We went to the last Cincinnati Reds game of the season, it was dern cold. Today we are paying for not getting things done as we should. Especially me. This week should be equally frantic, I have school, work, installations, doctor appt. for kids, deadlines and maybe I might sneak in a trip to the apple farm somewhere in there. Mr. Thorn and I are trying to get back on HCG, it's been too long and I miss the feeling better, losing weight and energy I felt.
I'm off to either head back to bed or make coffee.I will pay for getting up early around 3:30 today.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

No CD1, limbo is becoming the new norm

It is CD49. What the stink is going on? Since I am on estradiol and progesterone, I have all these crazy preg. symptoms and my test yesterday was BFN. I didn't take my meds last night. I was mad and frustrated. I think I still am. Very sick to my stomach.
We sent away for a homestudy packet from a local agency and we need to fill it out so we can start. We are starting the ball rolling on fostering to adopt. Scared. Eh, I just need to get it done. Hoping to complete that this weekend. I don't like long to-do lists so I need to stop over-analyzing and just send it in. The thought of a child praying or asking for a family and we are being buttheads and not just "doing it" is bothering me.
So that's my story. Sorry if I am crabby. Myself is not used to this 49 day cycle thing. Femara's fault? Probably. I ate soba noodles and my lips are on fire. How's that for random?