Foster/adopt update and a "wth?"

We had a panel meeting this week for our fostering adopt class. We had a state worker, a foster family, adopted teen, etc. It was good, put me in a place where I had some questions answered and we are now one meeting and 2 home visits away from completion.
Then. Then...CD1....a 23 days cycle. That is my official "wth?". Never had a 23 day anything. Didn't even get my HCG injections post peak and CD1. Boo for CD1. Boo, I say. Haha. At 43 I can say whatever I want about CD1.
So I took my 8 Femara pills...went off my HCG diet, plan on starting back up next week(yeah, I am breaking all the rules) and just dealing best I can. My friends are edging closer to their "birth dates" and I am doing okay. They are in the over-35 crowd and honestly, an inspiration so I am okay. Now if they were 20-somethings and mean to me and insensitive, that's another matter. I know all this....this stuff, this miscarriage, infertility, miscarriage, weight loss, weight gain, loss, friend 1 then 2 then another, then HCG for me, another year older, friends due dates....this stuff, is all for a reason. I just don't know what ha is. I pray that God leads me in the right direction. I also hope that if I should stop hoping, I be lead away so I can move on. But I am still here, desiring family, children, babies, mommydom.

So there it is. In all it's glory. So tonight, a night out with the girls(I hope) and then work on my business, get homeschool grades together and get my Lent on. I need to blog hop and see what he other infertile/MC ladies are up to...

I'm back!

So sorry :( I have many of my blog friends on Facebook and I keep up there. Truth be told, the last 2 months have been a blur. My business and homeschool took over the months of November and December. I have also been struggling with my fertility(and lack thereof) plus going through the classes for fostering to adopt. It has been going okay, not great. I started on HCG to help with fertility/hormones. I celebrated another birthday. It was like a funeral and didn't hit me until last night. A women in the fostering class popped off a snide comment about catholics and while three of us compared notes on fertility drugs and side effects, this said woman was making odd remarks on not "speaking baby stuff". I wish I could say it's been a positive experience but I will not make a judgement call this early. We have 7 more meetings to go.

I am a bit dead on the fertility issue. 43 is not fun. Every year I have less hope, more tears and less understanding surrounding me. I want to embrace the thought of adoption. I want to believe God has a plan and these tears are a phase. So many birth announcements, babies and births. I have witnessed miracles. I have not completely lost hope. I'm just in mourning. Is that odd? I don't have anyone here, or close, that understands how it feels or why I am sad. Uhg.

So here is what I am doing. I have femara, 6 pills on CD2. Then on P plus 3 I start the HCG injections. I am on my 2nd cycle with HCG and I will test on P plus 7 to see what the hormones look like. I am also starting another round of the HCG diet back up later this week. I pray, I cry, I avoid the problem, I try to find hope. That's about it.(Maybe you can see why I took a blog break)

I needed to blog after last night's meeting. It was hard. I revealed how we lost 4 babies through miscarriage. I felt alone. I will keep blogging on the fostering/adoption. I know it helps others make a decision. I already feel betting being about to log what I am going through. I pray someday I will be able to look back at how hard this has been and that I got through it. I'm still trying to decide if hope is a good thing or deceitful.

Starting HCG this cycle(yeah)

So I am on the HCG diet. Losing weight nicely. Dr. is having me start HCG injection this cycle on P+3. I will keep you posted. For the record I am on Femara, progesterone and estrodiol on P+3-12 and now 10,000iu HCG on P+3.

I'm having funky side pain from the Femara today so I will cut this post short.

Starting on a new me

I have been very busy trying to wrap up the end of the school year with the kids and really focus on my business. I also took my health into my own hands since no doctor has been willing to take the time and diagnose me(running lab after lab is not my idea of good medicine). I have been on the HCG Protocol Diet for 3 weeks and have lost 27 lbs. I have a lot more to lose but I have hope that I will get there. I prayed so hard for health and being able to successfully carry a child to term and I hope I am on that path. Before you jump on me about how unhealthy this is, google and read the success others have had. I looked into this for almost a year before starting. I am down a full size in clothes and can run up and down the steps and more since losing the weight. I was never diagnosed with PCOS but I did feel my age and weight were keeping me from success.
Now, the downside. I have what they call the "HCG Rash"...when you lose, it opens the fat cells and releases whatever toxins and fluids are in there. That goes to the bloodstream, hence the rash. I told Mr. Thorn to just call me Polka Dot. Hopefully it will leave quickly. Until then, I need to take it as a sign the protocol is working. The other bad thing is I have had to discontinue my progesterone at P+3 because it contains oil which will make me gain weight. I'm not sure how long I will stay on this round. I was hoping to lose about 40-45 lbs the first round so we will see. I recommend anyone who has struggled with early plateaus or little to no weight loss after much struggle to do this.
So, unlike the raw diet(which I liked a lot, to be honest), I stopped menses and it scared me so I had to quit. That is not the case with this and I have read accounts of many women who couldn't conceive until they used this protocol. I prayed to hard for this to be another dead end. I will keep you posted on my results.

Oh, also, I did some research on "Estrogen dominance" and the findings are shocking. Many men and women develop auto immune disorders and have serious fertility issues and the main culprit is COFFEE. Uhg. I ordered a substitute from Amazon, hopefully be here tomorrow. Coffee was getting me through this diet and now its gone. Yes, I was an addict. I will live. Yes, I have a headache...lol.

My numbers and HCG shots a comin'

I received my lab numbers today for P+7. 40 on estrodial and 14 on progesterone. He wants me off prometrium and on HCG shots starting P+3. We are still treating everything as if I have endo and he believes that is what is causing the luteal phase defect/crazy number. I think it is also my age, from what I have read. Today was the first day I know of that I have voluntarily said, "I would love another child, if it is Your Will." Why these words are odd, I can only believe is because I have been praying for so long that God answers our prayer and the "Your Will" part has always come with grumbling and apprehension. So now I wait another cycle, try to figure out how to become healthier, lose weight, all of the above. I have been so busy with work and homeschool that my health comes last, always. I hope God is taking better care of me than I am of myself. I cut out pop, back to coffee with goat's milk(only) and trying not to snack very much. I have a strong desire to be fit and healthy, just not the means or time, that saddens me. So much snow outside. It's lighting up the entire room. I don't really like snow or cold but I will take the nice natural light.

My day(results, sort of)

I got the results of my hcg this morning and it was zero. While that was good news, the symptoms I continue to have warranted a visit to the doctor...er...nurse practitioner(not a fan). I went in, we discussed symptoms and options, she scheduled more blood work and ordered an ultrasound. Don't know if I am dealing with a fibroid, a cyst or other. I will keep you posted. Nothing conclusive but there is pain so that can't be a good sign. After being stuck a few times(deep veins) I got the photo above as a reward for not crying and staying still while they drew blood. Kinda sums up my day and now that it's done, it's borderline humorous. Not giving up baby hope, I prayed, hope is alive and well and I'm going to continue to get healthy and lose weight. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I should raffle off my band aid ;)

Update on levels

The doctor's office had the final results and they are hCG of 15,213(after the 1,143 on 9/07) . Not the best news. I caved this morning, cried, resigned myself to a failed pregnancy and tried to get on with my day. I have had a bizarre "flutter" in my very low abdomen off and on today, no spotting, no real cramping of any sort. I go back tomorrow for more blood work. The hCG levels begin tapering off at this point so I'm not sure what a good number would be, I have prayed and followed the advice of many who have suggested devotions and prayers and it really helped today. Maybe God does want a miracle for us. My mom told her hairdresser today about what is going on with us and he said we were like "Job". Maybe. I still have too much to be thankful for so I don't see it that way. It is bringing our family closer and I appreciate my little ones running around here all the more right now. When you are truly pro-life, it is hard to ever imagine just not having another child. It's like breathing. My opinion, I know, but I believe it. Thanks again for all the well wishes and prayers. It has given me incredible strength during a difficult time.

Results are in!

The hCG was 1489 and the progesterone was 25.5. It's not super high but it is more than fine, according to the doctor. He feels confident enough for me to move ahead. I have my intake appointment on 9/17. I am doubling every 48-72 hours and that is what they look for. I'm not going to stop praying. My miscarriage was at 8 weeks so I need to keep doing what I am doing and living clean and prayerful. Thank you to all who prayed. It means so much to me. Thank you St. Gerard, for prayers answered.

Only a few hours

I will get my results this morning. Pray that it is somewhere around or over 2,000 for the hCG. I'm going to Mass and taking my St. Gerard handkerchief with me. Thank you all who have prayed. I know prayer has brought me this far. Lord, help me trust.

Nervous and sad

I got the bloodwork results back and I'm scared and nervous. Last week HCG was 55(not progeterone) and progesterone level was 26. Yesterday's test was 95 HCG and 14 progesterone. They cancelled my nurse intake appointment tomorrow. It makes me feel like the pregnancy is failing. They are testing me again tomorrow. I need a miracle. I'm just scared. Please pray for a miracle. I need something to hold on to today.