Foster/adopt update and a "wth?"

We had a panel meeting this week for our fostering adopt class. We had a state worker, a foster family, adopted teen, etc. It was good, put me in a place where I had some questions answered and we are now one meeting and 2 home visits away from completion.
Then. Then...CD1....a 23 days cycle. That is my official "wth?". Never had a 23 day anything. Didn't even get my HCG injections post peak and CD1. Boo for CD1. Boo, I say. Haha. At 43 I can say whatever I want about CD1.
So I took my 8 Femara pills...went off my HCG diet, plan on starting back up next week(yeah, I am breaking all the rules) and just dealing best I can. My friends are edging closer to their "birth dates" and I am doing okay. They are in the over-35 crowd and honestly, an inspiration so I am okay. Now if they were 20-somethings and mean to me and insensitive, that's another matter. I know all this....this stuff, this miscarriage, infertility, miscarriage, weight loss, weight gain, loss, friend 1 then 2 then another, then HCG for me, another year older, friends due dates....this stuff, is all for a reason. I just don't know what ha is. I pray that God leads me in the right direction. I also hope that if I should stop hoping, I be lead away so I can move on. But I am still here, desiring family, children, babies, mommydom.

So there it is. In all it's glory. So tonight, a night out with the girls(I hope) and then work on my business, get homeschool grades together and get my Lent on. I need to blog hop and see what he other infertile/MC ladies are up to...

Back from vacation and Femara crazies!

We took an extra long vacation and I just noticed I didn't blog while away(I should have). I am on my second cycle of Femara and it's one bizarre drug. I had a 5 day cycle(on vacation, weh) and then spotted "pink" from days 7-11. No CM...at all. No idea where I am, dr. sent me to lab last night, I'm thinking peak was way early. I am not having any bizarre symptoms but I am also not on my usual prometrium/estrodial. More people I know are pregnant. Again. I broke down the day before we left Florida and cried, a lot. I prayed for so many, to achieve pregnancy, for troubled pregnancies, adoptions. I felt selfish, guilty and kinda rotten. In the end, I had to decide if these pregnant friends and people all around me are there as torture and a cruel joke or to give me hope. God is not one to play tricks or mind games. I have prayed so many times for our desire for another child to be taken away if it is never meant to be. So now I am stuck with hope. I know few if any understand why I would want more children, with the repeated miscarriage and the chance of having yet another with autism. I can't explain the hope for life and children. It doesn't make sense but it is there and it's strong.

The vacation was good, stressful in some ways but it was a nice trip. My autistic boys need to be entertained constantly so that gets frantic after a bit. The kids wanted to go fishing in the bay which was right out our door but it was very hot and the thought of having to take barracuda off a hook with nasty teeth didn't appeal to me.
We are having to start homeschool late. We went with Seton this year and the special services dept must be overly busy now so we can't get an appointment until 9/9. I think we will go ahead and start their math early since we know what we are doing there. I need coffee. I can't believe I blogged before coffee.

Prayer Buddy Revealed

So I waited until today to reveal my prayer buddy. I have a package to send out and I wanted to send it last week but wanted to get to a special shop in town before sending. So I have collected my items, prayed like the dickens and hope I can continue for God to bless her.
My prayer buddy is the misfit. I wanted to keep her real name private, like me, she may have reason. I offered many sufferings and prayers and rosaries and hope that God answers her prayers. I will be sending her package out and while it was hard not to take away pain, I prayed more and cried more in hopes that her burden would be lifted.
I was happy to see her love of vintage decor, etc. as this is my background in my "earlier career" which led me to the designer I am now. I love toile, chenille, shabby decor and anything eclectic and different.
Easter was nice. We went to the traditional Mass yesterday, the reading of the passion on Friday and Holy Thursday Mass at our parish. We were not able to get to stations on Friday night because it took so long to get into Cincinnati with all the holiday traffic. We spent a bit of time with friends and family yesterday and all was good. This Lent was tumultuous but if that is what God needs from me, to get me to His Kingdom, then I will go and follow. Losing an inheritance is a game changer. It will change the way we live, it may keep me from homeschooling, I may have to go back to my college days and wait tables, I don't know yet. I want to fight for what is ours but the other siblings of my husband's are doing nothing and he was not my grandfather. I don't want to live with the regret we did nothing.
I am trying to find positives and be happy for all the baby announcements and births around me. Don't fault me or think I am being a whiner, I am being honest. I know my situation is different. I have three live children, I lost 4 to miscarriage and at my age, don't know if I will ever conceive or carry a child to term again. I now pray for God's will and hope that I can provide a sibling for my "typical" daughter who is the only one without autism. I see her pain and loneliness everyday and I offer it up to God for all the intentions I can. So, I will stay on my unique path. I will continue to pray for my IF catholic blogger friends, like I do everyday and hope in the end we all find God's will in our tears.
On a happy note, feel free to run around and hit the men in your life with a pussy willow branch today. When we lived in Buffalo, we learned of this wierd custom on Easter Monday. Yes, it's Śmigus-Dyngus Day! Everybody party!

Everyone I know is...

...either pregnant or just had a baby. I can only think of 2-3 women I know(closely) that are not. All ages, all faiths...you name it. Sigh. Here's the thing. I have had bouts of being sad, upset, depressed, anxious, pretty much the gamut of emotions but I finally learned this impulse thing that is helping. I look in the mirror and think "I trust you Lord". All the IF blogs I visit have reflections on this issue, everyone handles it different. I am a different breed of IF since mine is secondary and now has more to do with age than anything else(at least that's what I think). Also, I have children, I have had miscarriage. I don't know of many women that blog from that perspective. I do it for therapeutic reasons and also hope to help someone out there that feels they don't fit in anywhere else. Three miscarriages may not seem like a lot to some but it is plenty for me. I relive the pain daily and try not to let it control me. I want to find good in it. I sometimes grieve more for my family. My daughter wants a baby badly and she is not shy about telling me often. I know she feels lonely, I want God to lead me wherever I need to be for help. I feel I am with the right doctor. I know I am doing the best I can with all I have on my plate to be open to life always.
After my first miscarriage, I had a strong sign from God that I would have another child. Since then, Mr. Thorn's mother told us(before she died) we would have more children. I feel like God is constantly giving me signs to hang in there even when the odds seem so dismal. So I look in the mirror and tell God I trust and hang on. I have even prayed that God take this desire away if it is not meant to be. So if anyone is going through or has gone through something similar, I know, I've been there. With two special needs sons, people wonder why I would possibly want more children. Because God has given me that desire and will not take it away.
Mr. Thorn's grandfather passed away Friday. Things have been more emotional around here since Friday. That's to be expected but frustrating.
I had a lot to offer up for my prayer buddy this week. We are also praying our family rosary for her. I want to help others and often the internet makes me feel, well, helpless. I am good at praying for bloggers though. It is painful when you can't comfort them or feel you might say the wrong thing. Lent is always an interesting journey for me. Usually full of events or drama...I doubt this year will be any different.

Weepy but steady

A little lack of sleep, a little missing my babies and some "I don't want to look at raw stuff right now" combo. I have been working on Etsy, sewing and trying to keep the kids entertained. The baby emails, the baby formula/freebies, they are all flooding in. I should have kept something on my computer while I worked to keep my mind off it all. I didn't want to talk on the phone, that's for sure. I worked with kids, gave them some craft ideas, watched 15 minutes of the news. My conspiracy theory brain now believes Obama, et all, is trying to get our bowels so much in an uproar that we will start a revolution and he and his croonies can lock us all up. If you think I am way off base, that's okay. This is what happens when my mind takes over, strays from prayer and has no caffeine in sight.
I'm anxiously awaiting my peak day, I want to get these tests done and get on with it. I feel like I have a huge pause button on my life right now. Oh, I have lost 12pounds so far, for anyone interested in how the raw thing is going. I am not 100% and I am floating around 75% raw. That's okay with me for now. I will adjust as need be.
I am moving forward with the homeschool co-op. I wasn't 100% sure, I wanted to homeschool to be in control of the kid's education and I feel that I am surrendering some before I even get started. It's one day a week, if things go horribly awry, we will take another route. For now, this is where I am.
I will be sewing for the next 12 hours...get these orders OUT. The weather is going to be cold, you know, global warning and all. So I might as well sew. I need to get fish sticks in the oven for the little ones. Mr. Thorn had to work late, he got a semi-national account so all is well. Now I need to come up with a raw dinner....for us. Probably going to go off a bit and do lox, sprouted bagel and goat cheese. Bad, mama.

***************************
Ok, an update. Having salmon for dinner. Also, blog friend, Sew Infertile had a big announcement this week(my bright spot, yeah) and a friend of ours found work this week after being out for many months(another yeah). Thank you, blessed mother, for your powerful intercession. Hope is alive and my house smells like garlic!

We are going RAW, baby!(Sort of...)

I put it off, it has been in the back of my brain for over a year now and today, we took the first step. Tomorrow night is my NFP refresher course. Yesterday was a sucky day in that the whole, missing the twins, aging doom, everything came crashing down. This afternoon, we went to Trader Joe's and Whole Foods and I am now the proud owner of the first items to start my journey into eating raw. Mr. Thorn is my sort of unwilling partner in crime on this. We started out with baby steps. I have some grains, raw nuts, raw almond butter, sprouted bread, a jar to make sun tea, lots of greens, frozen berries and some add-ins like flax oil and seeds. I'm ready to take this fertility thing by the horns. Okay, hopefully my health and body will come along for the ride. I prayed that God would lead me and direct me in something I could do to transform our lives. I need health and wellness and my normal body back. I will post on our journey and hope we stay strong and motivated. I was vegan many years ago so this isn't totally foreign to me. Mr. Thorn, he was a meat and potato guy so keep him in your prayers. He may lose it on me. I will prepare the foods and gradually add them into our weekly meal plans and hope for the best. I'm trusting God on the homeschool AND this new raw diet.
I was very inspired back when I read Lyn Vaccaro's writings online about how the raw diet helped her overcome her history of miscarriage and she went on to have two successful pregnancies at 42 and 45 thanks to the raw diet. I have her blog on my sidebar and she has so much good info on infertility, diet and aging. It's all worthwhile to read.
I made our first smoothies with kale, collards, spinach, berries, bananas, flax seeds, flax oil and apples tonight. Eventually, we may need a more high powered blender. It was much better after I added the bananas. Before it was too "kale-ish". So I put the leftovers in the fridge for morning. I am hoping to order at least one book to help with recipes and stocking our pantry. We are going by the Internet and winging it a bit. I hope we can do this on our budget and with our time available. I think this diet has come a long way in the past 5 years thanks to the Internet. There are many how-to videos and articles plus some easy recipes.
So there you have it. I am going to try and report back each week so you can see our progress and hopefully, it will help someone else.

They would be here

I have been quiet and to myself lately. Thankfully, God has kept me busy with work, kids and homeschool things. I would have been 39 weeks with the twins. I went to Sam's the other night and just as I started to approach what I came for, twin newborn girls, perfect in a stroller and I had to find a place to run for cover. I thought my grief was essentially over. I know it never totally goes away but the baby items are arriving in the mail. The coupons, freebies, etc. This constant reminder of what will never be. I don't have "someone" who knows this pain and often I just feel selfish. Then guilty. When things at home aren't perfect or peaceful, it seems Satan is just pounding me with the "you couldn't handle it" feeling. I hope for a miracle. I try to support and pray for others, pregnant and trying. I search for something to hope for. I turn the news off. I ask the Blessed Mother to intercede and help me to find comfort and a way to cope. I know I am not using my pain wisely, more guilt. I want to use this to motivate me to get healthy, lose weight, get serious about conception and maintaining a pregnancy. What if it is all in vain, again? Why would a loving God want me to try and sacrifice and fail again? Why do we still hope for life? Why do I?
I can't move on. I have tried. Our family feels incomplete. I have always felt there will be another child, so I kept hope. I did just conceive twins 8 months ago. How do you hope for a miracle and stay positive? It doesn't make sense. It is hard when most of the homeschool families have babies and toddlers so there is a reminder and a hope that continues even when my sensible self is telling me to let go, move on, don't do this to yourself. As my arms yearn to hold babies that have never arrived, I try to keep busy and not let too much silence enter. That is when the tears come and the reality hits hard. I hope God understands why I busy myself. Why I find diversions and keep them up. Suffering is different when you don't know the end of the story.
(Also, I couldn't get my labs done for the hormonal screen because I never had better than a 6 this month. I am meeting with an NFP/Creighton practitioner on Monday so I am hoping for something to calm my nerves and feeling of doom)

Back to the baby board

I have a NFP/dr appointment. Now granted, I have thyroid and adrenal issues I need to take care of but I can't believe I am going back into this minefield. I hate to admit I don't have good charting. I haven't been temping since my M/C. I know I will get scolded for these things. I believe I had a good 10CL on CD12 and 13 this month which is awesome for me. I used to be CD 17 or worse. I will keep you all posted on what comes of this. I have a designer friend of mine who has had 4 M/C and is preg in 16 weeks. Sometimes hope sucks. I mean that to be part humorous and part serious. I still have hope. At 41 with 3 miscarriages under my belt, I still believe we may welcome another life some day. I need to get back to praying about this more. Most of my energy has been focused in praying for some other people close to me and for my blog friends that they may get and maintain a pregnancy. What if I still can? What if God is leading me there? I don't know anymore. I'm going into the wild blue with this homeschool thing so who knows.
My diet stinks. Stress does that to me. I cannot get healthy and pregnant(and carry to term) alone. No way. It will take serious divine intervention on this. Ora pro nobis.

Pain is real(finding hope)

I should be excited about the upcoming first communion. I have been crying, upset by things that I really have no control over. The closer I get to the day the twins would have been born, the more heartbreak and hurt I feel. I try not to bring down those around me because they can't possibly understand what I am going through. How many women have lost 4 babies in less than three years? Because of our anti-life society, I am expected to suck it up and get over it. This last one(miscarriage) was harder. I am getting older, my kids(especially my youngest) still so much want another little one in our family.

To those who wonder why I would want to be pregnant again, who think I cause to much pain to my family, my children and those around me, I offer this explanation. How would we ever know of God's mercy and goodness if He didn't allow pain, loss and suffering? With what would we compare? Sometimes I forget to thank God for the suffering, storms and torment because it is through these experiences that I see the blessings and miracles God gives me. The "storms" have been coming at rapid-fire speed lately. I search for comfort and find little or none. My mom has reminded me that when the torments come often and in numbers, something good is about to happen. The evil one somehow knows this and wants to disturb our soul and cast doubt. It is hard to see when I am in the thick of it, but I know this is true. One day, when I am brave, I will share some of these occurrences. Not for myself but because I know others suffer through such supernatural torments and there is very little(online) to give comfort. Trust me, I have looked. In the meantime, I am going to try and stay focused on my family, homeschool prep, my business and my faith(in not any particular order).

There is a branch on our huge shade tree that broke off(dead) during the hurricane last year. It has new leaves budding on it. We had rose bushes in our front yard that never bloomed or grew much more than a stub. This spring, they are huge(huge-huge). On the other hand, the tiny pine that I bought from Harry and David as a memory tree for the twins, died. Not as my will sees fit but as You will, Father. God can give life and hope where there is none. I see these things around me and hope they help for now.

First communion, time to be counted(Notre Dame) and baby dreams

We are finally getting the invitations out for the first communion today. I hope we have a decent turnout. I have no way of knowing. The caterer isn't returning our calls so I pray that we get that taken care of(somehow). Being thrown back into life is creepy. Necessary but creepy. I was anxious while I was away, knowing I had so much to do here and wasn't working.

We also have the school decision looming over the whole family. I have been waiting for God to hit me over the head with the answer and I can tell you, it's been mostly mixed signals. My oldest son is getting wonderful grades. A far cry from his old school where he was feeling totally lost and overwhelmed. My middle son is struggling and not making any friends and is really quite on the edge of missing everything important. My youngest is bored and talks a lot(but gets straight A's). So that leaves me with what can I do. I still have to run my business and can't totally give that up to home school. I have special needs boys who struggle with academics as well as some behavioral issues. When it gets down to it, it's just me and them. People will say they will help or be there but I can't count on it. I need to make sure I can do this totally alone, while running my business and keeping up with the household. If I didn't have to work, it would be a no-brainer.

It saddens me to think of our dreams of another child, adoption, etc. That is an unknown and I have had trouble visiting that issue. I have not had time to deal with "me", including my health or fertility. I have put everyone else first since the losing the twins. I really feel everyone has given up on me every carrying a baby to term let alone getting pregnant again. Not having hope in something is a scary place to be. I have always said "keep hoping and keep faith in God's plan for you". I haven't seen signs of a light at the end of the tunnel for our family(and our hopes for a baby). There is a fine balance of hoping for life and becoming selfish about the matter. I have three children, I have lost 4, I hope for one. Some days I feel selfish, some days I have no hope. Some days I read stories about my blog friends who have been given a cross of infertility and my heart breaks and I pray that my suffering and loss be offered up so they may know and be given the gift of life they so desire. I didn't mean to go off on the fertility/miscarriage road but it is obviously a factor in our lives or I could lay it to rest. I am not at peace with it. I apologize to God every day for this.


On another note, I am living in a diocese where our bishop has NOT made a statement of any kind on the Notre Dame scandal. Either he has no opinion, doesn't care or doesn't want to hurt some one's feelings who voted for Obama. Who knows. It's gets me worked up that people give him a pass. What kind of leader is that? Have an opinion, stand firm for Holy Mother Church and her traditions and what it means to be Catholic. I'm tired of Covington pretending to be protestant. I see it in the Mass and in the attitude of the people. It's too milk toast for me(and many). Be catholic in all areas of life. Period.

***The bishops who have so far expressed disapproval of Notre Dame's invitation to Obama (in alphabetical order) are:
1. Bishop John D'Arcy - Fort Wayne-South Bend, IN
2. Bishop Samuel Aquila - Fargo, ND
3. Bishop Gregory Aymond - Austin, TX
4. Bishop Gerald Barbarito - Palm Beach, FL
5. Bishop Leonard Blair - Toledo, OH
6. Archbishop Daniel Buechlein - Indianapolis, IN
7. Bishop Robert Baker - Birmingham, AL
8. Bishop Fabian Bruskewitz - Lincoln, NE
9. Archbishop Eusebius Beltran - Oklahoma City, OK
10. Auxiliary Bishop Oscar Cantú - San Antonio, TX
11. Bishop Paul Coakley - Salina, KS
12. Cardinal Daniel DiNardo - Houston, TX
13. Archbishop Timothy Dolan - New York, NY
14. Bishop Thomas Doran - Rockford, IL
15. Auxiliary Bishop John Dougherty - Scranton, PA
16. Bishop Robert Finn - Kansas City-St. Joseph, MO
17. Cardinal Francis George - Chicago, IL; President, USCCB
18. Bishop Gerald Gettelfinger - Evansville, IN
19. Archbishop José Gomez - San Antonio, TX
20. Bishop William Higi - Lafayette, IN
21. Archbishop Alfred Hughs - New Orleans, LA
22. Bishop Joseph Latino - Jackson, MS
23. Bishop Jerome Listecki - La Crosse, WI
24. Bishop William E. Lori - Bridgeport, CT
25. Bishop George Lucas - Springfield, IL
26. Bishop Robert Lynch - St. Petersburg, FL
27. Bishop Joseph Martino - Scranton, PA
28. Bishop Charles Morlino - Madison, WI
29. Bishop George Murry - Youngstown, OH
30. Archbishop John J. Myers - Newark, NJ
31. Bishop R. Walker Nickless - Sioux City, IA
32. Archbishop John C. Nienstedt - St. Paul-Minneapolis, MN
33. Archbishop Edwin O'Brien - Baltimore, MD
34. Bishop Thomas Olmsted - Phoenix, AZ
35. Archbishop Daniel E. Pilarczyk - Cincinnati, OH
36. Bishop Kevin Rhoades - Harrisburg, PA
37. Bishop Alexander Sample - Marquette, MI
38. Bishop Edward J. Slattery - Tulsa, OK
39. Bishop Richard Stika - Knoxville, TN
40. Bishop Anthony Taylor - Little Rock, AR
41. Bishop Robert Vasa - Baker, OR
42. Bishop Thomas Wenski - Orlando, FL


I need to catch up with all my orders. I hope to read up on blogs I missed while I was away later tonight.
(***From lifesitenews.com)

So much going on, news,news,news.

This weekend was frantic with work and planning. Mr. Thorn and I worked most of the day on Saturday and on through the night. Sunday we made it official, joining Sacred Heart Parish and planning the littlest Thorn's first communion. It brought some relief and hope. I was in need of both those things so it felt good to move forward. My parents are also members too and we feel so much at ease there and feel good about supporting the parish with our time and money.
Today I went to my doctor and found that this brilliant man may have to stop practising medicine which filled me with doom(something I don't need right now). This is all over the licensing board not wanting him to practice anything "alternative". Dumb Nazis. Sorry but this man has been blessed by God with his intellect and ability and gives credit to God for so much. He just doesn't fit their mold so they want him gone. I did get a treatment and got to chat with him for a bit. As I said though, it is sad indeed.
Next, we got word back about our adoption process which we have officially begun. I have no idea where it will lead or how we will afford it but I place that in God's hands. We want to be open to whatever life(old, young, special needs, our own) God brings us. So much is whizzing about us it is scary as heck and exciting. I suppose that is what happens when you let God move you about.
There is much going on with the planning for our future but oddly enough we are just kind of placing things and discussing. I'm waiting on God for the final "thumbs up" on so much in my life. Right now, I'm trying to stay on my supplements and food plan to get my dang self healthy. I also need to make an appointment with Dr. Mattingly in OH. I've been getting back into Creighton and it feels normal. I'm not too worried about the peak and such because we won't even try until we feel it's time. I still get weepy over the babies some days. It gets hard when I think of babies and empty arms or I get the irritating mail and coupons for the babies that are no more. I have been doing better though. It takes a "trigger" now to upset me where before it came out of no where. My mind would wonder and boom...I thought of how I missed them and cried. I want to make sure Mr. Thorn and I go to a shrine in Florida to pray and visit. I will need to see what is on our route or close to where we are staying.
I prayed so much for my Catholic blog friends this weekend, dealing with miscarriage and infertility. I hope, I hope, God hears our cries. I need to focus on Him and on what's important so I don't get feeling as doomed as doomed can be over the looming Socialist States of America. Sometimes, if you don't back away your brain will explode. I didn't even watch the "We're doomed, everybody run!" speech at 8pm tonight. I was sewing and singing in my studio. Ha. So there. With so much chaos, I need to be thankful for jobs, money, faith, food and family(although not in that order) Do we have a choice? I think not.

Fertility and miscarriage update

I haven't been in the mood to discuss where things have progressed. First, I received the results from the chromosomal test and I still don't know how I feel. The chromosomes were absolutely normal and female. I cried and got angry. I'm still angry. The chromosomes were perfect. It was me and I feel it could have been prevented. Hormones, extremely low progesterone. I don't want to be told it happened for a reason. That only makes me feel it was my fault. My sin, my lack of perfection, finance, etc(it's all too Calvinistic). I didn't will or cause it. I would have done anything to have met those babies(within the bounds of my faith). I have regret. I didn't do enough, I trusted God so very much and now I'm just angry that I trusted without putting any real medical "reasoning" into the picture. I don't want my journey as a mother to end like this. The pain of loss and blame is tremendous. I want another chance. I want hope. I want to be able to have God lead me again. I don't want to be selfish either. I have prayed so much and so often for God to take away the desire for more children if it will never be. Four babies are gone and it haunts me every day.

I haven't dealt with the loss for awhile, just haven't been in the mood. The spotting has continued, the cramping hasn't fully stopped. I'm reading up tonight on what has happened. I believe that more tissue passed a few weeks ago(around the 4.5 week mark from the D&C). Here is what was on the site I read:

Some tissue was missed during your D&C or natural miscarriage. A bit of placenta clung to the wall of the uterus. It continued to draw a little blood, and the body continued to create very small amounts of pregnancy hormone. Eventually the body realized no baby was there and turned loose of this last bit of tissue. The miscarriage process begins again. Only now will your levels drop to zero and a new cycle begin. You cannot expect a normal period any sooner than four weeks from this, and up to seven weeks could still be normal. Your total wait time from original miscarriage to first period can creep up to nine or ten weeks and still be normal.

So things aren't normal(well according to the above it is). I want to get to a doctor who can help me. I want to get healthy and be able to move on. I still feel pregnant sometimes, have cravings, get dizzy, feel nauseous. Last week I called my OB, he gave me the option(again) of being on the pill. At my age, I don't want to mess with the fertility period I have left in my life. I want to start charting the Creighton method again but nothing is normal and I can't see a sign of a cycle.
So that's where things are hovering.
I'm open to adoption. I'm open to whatever God wants me to do. I don't know what that thing is. I pray that I will know(so I don't miss it). I write what I am going through on this blog to help others. I have gleaned so much from other women online. It is a lonely place. Catholic women share a membership to a private club. Fertility and miscarriage is a different place when you are a Catholic woman. Sometimes the only way to live and be productive is to pretend it doesn't exist. I'm just being honest. Maybe it's denial, I look at it as survival. I need to focus on my family and my business and pray that God helps me to do that. If I need to avoid my pain and this cross, sometimes it is my only weapon. Even if it is only temporary.

Here we go again

My D&C pain and aftermath have returned. I have no idea why. I had a full week with no bleeding or cramps and now it is all back. It seems silly to chart temp or mucus at this point, as much as I want to move on and have my usual life back. I don't know many people who have miscarried let alone twins and 3 back-to-back, etc. I have no idea what to make of any of it. I just need to get my business back up and operational to help the family and I still feel wiped out and well, now this. I want to stay positive. After yesterday with the school crud and other odd life issues, I actually felt like God was going to lead us and carry us into a new phase of our life as a family. This just makes me feel stuck.
I am so thankful we have a Florida trip to look forward to. Right now, it looks like I am pain med and couch bound for today. Weh. I know, offer it up...

A new doctor is just what the who-who...

I'm getting antsy not being able to get out, work or provide for the greater good. Today I had an added bonus of my oldest having a stomach virus. I didn't want to do much, I had to make soup and jello for sick boy and then I got into watching the the Illinois goobinnor make a spectacle of himself this afternoon. That was wickety-whack! And that guy they called to the table to speak, Rush, what a racist...the entire thing was icky.
On another note, I talked to a friend today, I let her know how insane my cramping(more like labor pains) have been and the clotting, etc. She made me realize I need to shake my doctors. Any doctor that has the nerve to call themselves Catholic and have more voracity in their touting of birth control than of helping me to maintain my pregnancy, needs a serious re-evaluation. Years ago, I heard of and tried to contact a Dr. Mattingly over in Cincinnati. This being the hot bed of Couple to Couple League, NaPro was totally absent from this region. I was trained well in NY and continued to follow-up with my NP and she sent me charts and stamps for years. So this Dr. Mattingly was new at the time and must have just been recently trained. for whatever reason(out-of-network, far away, I can't remember), I did not follow through with making an appointment with him. After three failed pregnancies, I have come to the conclusion, my current OB's have no interest in getting serious about helping me maintain a pregnancy. Then I returned to a local site that inspired me: http://www.catholicinfertility.org/
Lottie's story gave me hope and made me smile because I read her story when they adopted and remembered praying that they conceive because it touched me so. I was so thrilled to go back and see that they had a baby boy! This is so awesome! I teared up when I saw the baby's picture! There used to be a forum on this site that is no longer there but there is some great info there, nonetheless.
I need to go back on my food plan(after the holidays are over) and work toward this new and healthy goal.
I have hope at the beginning of the new year! Who knew? We are going to a warm and happy Florida place in April, I am preparing to shake my pro-abortifacient doctors loose and we are returning to eating well(and eventually IV therapy). Whew. I am so ready for this year to be over. It blew chunks. I have to think of new life, hope and some respite from suffering and loss. Just when I thought that maybe my desire to conceive and have more children would fade(after losing 4 babies), I am renewed and strengthened by where I *think* God is leading me. I will pray about it. I really thought hope would be hard to find after everything that has happened. Let's pray I can hang on this time. To babies and life! Woohoo...

So that's where they went...

I had a rough night. My cycle started after three weeks(from the D&C) and it was not pretty. The cramping and other unmentionables are not what I had anticipated. As a result, we missed early Mass and decided to head over to Sacred Heart in Camp Washington. I had wondered where some of my fellow parish members had gone(from years ago, in a once orthodox parish near me) and also those who I knew from the Cathedral and St. Bernard's. They are going to Sacred Heart. It seemed as if half the church, which was PACKED, was filled with familiar faces from Kentucky. I admit that I do love that church and feel quite at home there(the schola is amazing, too). I felt so horrid this morning, I only wanted to feel well enough to walk and get to Mass.
I prayed about some things weighing heavy on my heart and one was answered within minutes after leaving Mass(spooky). I need some hope and something to cling to, even if just for awhile. Just to get over this hump of sorrow. I realize how much I appreciate my kids this week. I was feeling lonely and scared, not knowing what will happen in the future...it helped to look at how they took in Christmas. I try to remind myself to live in the present(the way Mother Angelica does) then I remember how hard it is when sorrow or regret creeps in. So I did the best I could. I cried...sometimes out of nowhere. Most of my family understood. I didn't want to be a killjoy or bummer, I just collected myself and thought about baby Jesus(which sometimes made me cry, too).
I had a half hour of chaos on Christmas morning that was the culmination of anger, fury and frustration. It was enough to send me to confession after Mass on Thursday. I keep telling myself "this too shall pass" and try to find all the things to be thankful for in my life. I post this mess of thoughts and experiences to help those who may think infertility or recurrent miscarriage is something no one should talk about. It is unique in the life of a "real" Catholic woman in that we cannot use all the sinful methods of conceiving or carrying on. It is easy to feel isolated or hopeless because most of us do not have family or friends that understand our pain. It is hard in my case because I have children and everyone says "be thankful you have three". I have never said I am not thankful. Miscarriage makes me more thankful but it also causes more grieving at the loss of babies I will never hold. There is a bizarre shame that I can't even put into words. So there, that's how I feel and that's what is in my brain. It's not pretty but it's honest.

A shower of roses

I wanted to share a story of what happened this week that is special and gave me so much hope.
When I found out about the twins on Tuesday, I was so consumed with fear and grief, I couldn't find comfort or hope. I was in shock, so much more than my past two miscarriages. Later that evening, I asked St. Therese if it was possible, could she please have a rose sent to me in hope that my journey as a mother was not over. I felt so guilty for asking, couldn't sleep. I never ask for signs or confirmation, I worry about not feeling worthy or risking disappointment. I was truly desperate and finally cried until I fell asleep around 5 am.
I went through all the motions the next day, scheduling my D&C, reading, spent some time with my mom...basically, I went through Wednesday and even Thursday before I came home today and looked in the sky. It was dreary and snowy but there were small holes of blue with sun streaming down and I immediately thought it was my dear babies, showing me the light through a very dark time. In my heart, it felt like a "don't cry mommy, we are waiting for you". I cried but I felt a bit of peace.
When I came home, it was back to the couch and the heating pad and my eyes fell to the beautiful flowers my friend brought to the hospital. St. Therese! I was in pain but scrambled to the flowers and searched for a rose. Oh my! There were 4 rosebuds in pale cream with pink tips...I kept looking. 3 small deep rose hued ones that looked a bit worn but had opened fully. It was all 7 of my babies! The buds that never fully opened and the 3 with me, fully bloomed and a bit tattered but all were fragrant. I was so amazed, I had to catch my breath. I cried and cried. She remembered and I remembered! I am still overwhelmed that God would give me a glimmer of hope and comfort. I still feel so unworthy and small(and still guilty for asking).
Once I got a hold of myself, I called my friend and could barely get through the story without both of us crying. She then told me about the sunset last night. The sky was streaked with red and orange and both my mom and friend said it was amazing and surreal. I didn't see it but she took a picture of it to share. So that is my story of hope. I took a picture of the flowers and will share this week once I download them. Thank you, St. Therese, for prayers answered.

Update and sad news

I was going to wait until I was calm to post but I am so grateful for all of you who supported me through thoughts and prayers. The doctor couldn't hear a heartbeat today so he sent me back for an ultrasound. During the ultrasound, they found 2 babies(I knew in my heart it was twins) but there was no movement or heartbeat. I have to be honest and say that is is like having the burden of two miscarriages at once. I am so honored to be able to have them for the short time that God allowed. I am in some serious grief and anger right now. I debated on posting but wanted to share and be honest. I am hoping for genetics testing before my D&C to find out why the babies just stopped progressing. The doctor also noted there was a cranial abnormality that would have ended in miscarriage no matter how far they had made it. I was able to get an ultrasound picture to take home, to remember them by. To see them so close together and tiny is hard but I needed that so I can try to make sense of something so senseless. I wanted a miracle so bad. I guess the only miracle was that I have two more babies I hope to meet someday.

I'm not angry at God. I am angry. I can't lie. I'm angry at this diocese, I have every right to be. I have no parish, no priest and I need someone to tell me why or make sense of suffering that feels without purpose. Suffering that continues and questions my children have that I can no longer answer. It's bad enough I have to tell them why God didn't hear their prayers when they prayed daily for this baby(babies) to be healthy and to be able to live with us. I also have to answer questions like "how long will we be at this parish?" and I don't know the answer. I can't tell them. We have been batted around for over two years in this diocese and I don't know that things will change. I suppose it just hit me hard when I realized, after telling my good friend the news today, she offered to call a priest and there was no one to call. Feeling vulnerable and ranting...please don't blame me. I wish we were somewhere else. I told dh today I don't want to think I am stuck in this diocese forever. About the only place I feel that is worse than this is Rochester. Most diocese don't have priests being shuffled every year, ruining a rock solid parish(in orthodoxy) by sticking a liberal priest here and there to mess things up. There are places I have lived in(outside of here) that have pockets of orthodoxy where the hippies and nuns in slacks haven't taken over every parish. So that's my beef, for what it's worth. It would be inappropriate(to vent) if I had some spiritual guidance and felt my family had a home parish and some security. This is the third miscarriage in 3 years with no priest to go to for support. Security has alluded us for the last 2+ years and maybe I won't find it here. It may be time to go over the river, I don't know. I have felt this for awhile but it came to a head today when I felt abandoned and cast aside. If the faith and loyalty to Rome mean something to you(as they do to me)it is a daily struggle in Covington. Casual Catholics have no idea how messed up it is here(especially if they have never been anywhere else). I know people who have moved here from somewhere else and can't believe how political and scarce orthodoxy is in Covington. Maybe it has been the norm for so long that the natives here don't realize it's not normal.

I am tired. It's been a day I want to be over. I still feel pregnant and have symptoms. It is hard not to see it is cruel and senseless. I think suffering and knowing good will come or conversion, it makes it bearable. This is just empty and hard. I'm sorry for the rant. I can't thank those of you who prayed enough, it means a lot. There is solace in knowing these babies had so many prayers. My blog friends are one of the few constants left in my life right now. Thank you for your friendship and sharing this journey with me. I hope to offer up my suffering so that some good may come through the gift of life or conversion. In the end, may God's will be done.

More tears.

Should I continue to have children despite special needs?

Another amazing example and insight from one of my favorite bloggers. I have prayed and feel that being wholly and truly pro-life means being open to all life in all ways. I've come a long way in this journey and hope that I am not afraid of the "what's next". Whatever that next is.

Not giving up...

I still pray, everyday, for the gift of life. Hope keeps me going.

Weekend news

I've had a rather bumpy week. Kids were on spring break and the weather was rather chilly. Honestly, I avoided posting. FEMALE TALK WARNING. I was late, took a series of 3 pregnancy tests, the last was positive. By the end of the week, I had, what I believed to be a very early miscarriage(possibly a chemical pregnancy). I was on cloud nine Easter Sunday until about 3 days ago. I will call the doctor this week and discuss a plan. I truly believe I have a luteal phase defect. I am currently on Vitex, Vitamin E, B-6 and Folic Acid. So I will keep hoping and praying. What else can I do? Honestly, the way things happened over the last week, it felt like a cruel joke. I will go back on Clomid if I need to. We have also discussed adoption more seriously. Right now, I'm just in the emotional recovery stage. I found some blogs of women who are on the same page as I am and reading their journey does bring some comfort. I will add them to my sidebar. Thank you for listening to my rambling. It somehow feels better to get it out.