A quick one

Thank you for commenting on the fostering post awhile back. I am going through a rough patch with the 3 kids, starting them on a new diet(SCD) and not going so well. I don't think I will ever feel really good about my sons' autism. Right now, I'm in a bitter place and that is not good. I am putting too much pressure on myself to make them better, change things, change life and I just can't I know it is our goal to make sure our children have a better life than we do but sometimes, you just can't. It just doesn't work.

While I should be happy for pregnant friends and warmer weather, I'm just feeling really down. I need to find something to hope for, as usual. Maybe I need my sons to stay autistic, to do a better job accepting them and move on with trying to "help them" overcome autism.

I'm mad at the diet, mad at the government, tired of the world becoming autistic yet feeling overwhelmed. I often think that I don't know one person in my life that could handle a week in my shoes. That's not something to be positive about, not really. Unless I think that God trusted me, knew I'd be patient and strong and although I feel alone, most of the time, it has kept me clinging to Christ all these years.

So I will pray this week, decide what to do and move on, if I need to. There has to be another way. I just have to pray that I find it.

Infertility and Facebook

I thought this article was interesting although I do not do this.

Why Your Infertile Friends May Be Hiding You From Their Facebook Feed

It never occur ed to me to block people who are pregnant. Sometimes, it actually helps me to not focus on myself and my infertile/miscarriage history. Anyway...thought it was interesting that this is a "thing" now. I can see where some women may do this to cope.

CD 41??? Serious-leelly?

Yes, you read that right. And I will probably go to CD 52+ since my peak day was on CD39. Never happened to me. I had one false alarm(or double peak) this cycle. I am hanging in there. I hope something happens with my P+7 labs that makes me look all right/human.
We started school today. I had to wait to get the curriculum and it showed up yesterday so we did a mini day today. We are using Seton this year and hope the combination of lesson plans and then grading the more intense items will help us.

Another item on the horizon is that we are going through the home study process with a local agency. We haven't filled out the paperwork yet but it is here and we are going to do it. It is involved in some aspects. I am hoping they will not make us vaccinate to get approved. Eh, I will do what I can. We are hoping to go the "foster to adopt" route. I will post more when we get over the first hurdle.

One of my pregnant friends went to the hospital yesterday and 34.5 weeks, her water broke and I haven't heard from her since. Keep her and the baby in your prayers. She lives far away and the family probably didn't think to contact me(don't know my phone number).

Starting on a new me

I have been very busy trying to wrap up the end of the school year with the kids and really focus on my business. I also took my health into my own hands since no doctor has been willing to take the time and diagnose me(running lab after lab is not my idea of good medicine). I have been on the HCG Protocol Diet for 3 weeks and have lost 27 lbs. I have a lot more to lose but I have hope that I will get there. I prayed so hard for health and being able to successfully carry a child to term and I hope I am on that path. Before you jump on me about how unhealthy this is, google and read the success others have had. I looked into this for almost a year before starting. I am down a full size in clothes and can run up and down the steps and more since losing the weight. I was never diagnosed with PCOS but I did feel my age and weight were keeping me from success.
Now, the downside. I have what they call the "HCG Rash"...when you lose, it opens the fat cells and releases whatever toxins and fluids are in there. That goes to the bloodstream, hence the rash. I told Mr. Thorn to just call me Polka Dot. Hopefully it will leave quickly. Until then, I need to take it as a sign the protocol is working. The other bad thing is I have had to discontinue my progesterone at P+3 because it contains oil which will make me gain weight. I'm not sure how long I will stay on this round. I was hoping to lose about 40-45 lbs the first round so we will see. I recommend anyone who has struggled with early plateaus or little to no weight loss after much struggle to do this.
So, unlike the raw diet(which I liked a lot, to be honest), I stopped menses and it scared me so I had to quit. That is not the case with this and I have read accounts of many women who couldn't conceive until they used this protocol. I prayed to hard for this to be another dead end. I will keep you posted on my results.

Oh, also, I did some research on "Estrogen dominance" and the findings are shocking. Many men and women develop auto immune disorders and have serious fertility issues and the main culprit is COFFEE. Uhg. I ordered a substitute from Amazon, hopefully be here tomorrow. Coffee was getting me through this diet and now its gone. Yes, I was an addict. I will live. Yes, I have a headache...lol.

Prayer Buddy Revealed

So I waited until today to reveal my prayer buddy. I have a package to send out and I wanted to send it last week but wanted to get to a special shop in town before sending. So I have collected my items, prayed like the dickens and hope I can continue for God to bless her.
My prayer buddy is the misfit. I wanted to keep her real name private, like me, she may have reason. I offered many sufferings and prayers and rosaries and hope that God answers her prayers. I will be sending her package out and while it was hard not to take away pain, I prayed more and cried more in hopes that her burden would be lifted.
I was happy to see her love of vintage decor, etc. as this is my background in my "earlier career" which led me to the designer I am now. I love toile, chenille, shabby decor and anything eclectic and different.
Easter was nice. We went to the traditional Mass yesterday, the reading of the passion on Friday and Holy Thursday Mass at our parish. We were not able to get to stations on Friday night because it took so long to get into Cincinnati with all the holiday traffic. We spent a bit of time with friends and family yesterday and all was good. This Lent was tumultuous but if that is what God needs from me, to get me to His Kingdom, then I will go and follow. Losing an inheritance is a game changer. It will change the way we live, it may keep me from homeschooling, I may have to go back to my college days and wait tables, I don't know yet. I want to fight for what is ours but the other siblings of my husband's are doing nothing and he was not my grandfather. I don't want to live with the regret we did nothing.
I am trying to find positives and be happy for all the baby announcements and births around me. Don't fault me or think I am being a whiner, I am being honest. I know my situation is different. I have three live children, I lost 4 to miscarriage and at my age, don't know if I will ever conceive or carry a child to term again. I now pray for God's will and hope that I can provide a sibling for my "typical" daughter who is the only one without autism. I see her pain and loneliness everyday and I offer it up to God for all the intentions I can. So, I will stay on my unique path. I will continue to pray for my IF catholic blogger friends, like I do everyday and hope in the end we all find God's will in our tears.
On a happy note, feel free to run around and hit the men in your life with a pussy willow branch today. When we lived in Buffalo, we learned of this wierd custom on Easter Monday. Yes, it's Śmigus-Dyngus Day! Everybody party!

Everyone I know is...

...either pregnant or just had a baby. I can only think of 2-3 women I know(closely) that are not. All ages, all faiths...you name it. Sigh. Here's the thing. I have had bouts of being sad, upset, depressed, anxious, pretty much the gamut of emotions but I finally learned this impulse thing that is helping. I look in the mirror and think "I trust you Lord". All the IF blogs I visit have reflections on this issue, everyone handles it different. I am a different breed of IF since mine is secondary and now has more to do with age than anything else(at least that's what I think). Also, I have children, I have had miscarriage. I don't know of many women that blog from that perspective. I do it for therapeutic reasons and also hope to help someone out there that feels they don't fit in anywhere else. Three miscarriages may not seem like a lot to some but it is plenty for me. I relive the pain daily and try not to let it control me. I want to find good in it. I sometimes grieve more for my family. My daughter wants a baby badly and she is not shy about telling me often. I know she feels lonely, I want God to lead me wherever I need to be for help. I feel I am with the right doctor. I know I am doing the best I can with all I have on my plate to be open to life always.
After my first miscarriage, I had a strong sign from God that I would have another child. Since then, Mr. Thorn's mother told us(before she died) we would have more children. I feel like God is constantly giving me signs to hang in there even when the odds seem so dismal. So I look in the mirror and tell God I trust and hang on. I have even prayed that God take this desire away if it is not meant to be. So if anyone is going through or has gone through something similar, I know, I've been there. With two special needs sons, people wonder why I would possibly want more children. Because God has given me that desire and will not take it away.
Mr. Thorn's grandfather passed away Friday. Things have been more emotional around here since Friday. That's to be expected but frustrating.
I had a lot to offer up for my prayer buddy this week. We are also praying our family rosary for her. I want to help others and often the internet makes me feel, well, helpless. I am good at praying for bloggers though. It is painful when you can't comfort them or feel you might say the wrong thing. Lent is always an interesting journey for me. Usually full of events or drama...I doubt this year will be any different.

So that's where they went...

I had a rough night. My cycle started after three weeks(from the D&C) and it was not pretty. The cramping and other unmentionables are not what I had anticipated. As a result, we missed early Mass and decided to head over to Sacred Heart in Camp Washington. I had wondered where some of my fellow parish members had gone(from years ago, in a once orthodox parish near me) and also those who I knew from the Cathedral and St. Bernard's. They are going to Sacred Heart. It seemed as if half the church, which was PACKED, was filled with familiar faces from Kentucky. I admit that I do love that church and feel quite at home there(the schola is amazing, too). I felt so horrid this morning, I only wanted to feel well enough to walk and get to Mass.
I prayed about some things weighing heavy on my heart and one was answered within minutes after leaving Mass(spooky). I need some hope and something to cling to, even if just for awhile. Just to get over this hump of sorrow. I realize how much I appreciate my kids this week. I was feeling lonely and scared, not knowing what will happen in the future...it helped to look at how they took in Christmas. I try to remind myself to live in the present(the way Mother Angelica does) then I remember how hard it is when sorrow or regret creeps in. So I did the best I could. I cried...sometimes out of nowhere. Most of my family understood. I didn't want to be a killjoy or bummer, I just collected myself and thought about baby Jesus(which sometimes made me cry, too).
I had a half hour of chaos on Christmas morning that was the culmination of anger, fury and frustration. It was enough to send me to confession after Mass on Thursday. I keep telling myself "this too shall pass" and try to find all the things to be thankful for in my life. I post this mess of thoughts and experiences to help those who may think infertility or recurrent miscarriage is something no one should talk about. It is unique in the life of a "real" Catholic woman in that we cannot use all the sinful methods of conceiving or carrying on. It is easy to feel isolated or hopeless because most of us do not have family or friends that understand our pain. It is hard in my case because I have children and everyone says "be thankful you have three". I have never said I am not thankful. Miscarriage makes me more thankful but it also causes more grieving at the loss of babies I will never hold. There is a bizarre shame that I can't even put into words. So there, that's how I feel and that's what is in my brain. It's not pretty but it's honest.

Not giving up...

I still pray, everyday, for the gift of life. Hope keeps me going.

Hope and a blessing

Kit gives a wonderful story of her miracle baby. A good start to a Monday:

A Year and a Day

My favorite part:

The next day, my younger one (Therese/Our Lady of Fatima), came up to me with a locket depicting the Infant of Prague that she'd picked up at the Shrine's gift shop. She had been "telling all her secrets" into the locket from the minute she unwrapped it. She said, "Mamma, I told Him everything. I told Him we needed another baby. He understands."

Thanks, Kit.

Fertility woes

Another cycle started. I will be getting an OPK this month for test to help this situation. I have added Royal Bee(ty to FloridaWife for this tip), clomid, bbt chart(8 months of this), Vit B6, and starting day 22, pro-gest cream. Sigh....will have another go round.

Fertility and Clomid

The Clomid was started last night. I am glad I researched because it said to take before bed to minimize the "moodiness" effect. I woke up this morning totally in a fog and dizzy. Thankfully this is only a 5 day treatment. I have an aunt that had her first three, all on Clomid. My problem with fertility has only been since my miscarriage in 2005, never had a problem before. So I will report back how its going. Thankfully my husband will be home all weekend so I won't have to drive or be alone. It's an odd feeling and from my research, I know it could be much worse. Other known side effects are vomiting, nausea, hot flashes and mood swings. Right now I just feel really BLOND and really dizzy. I'm trying to make some new tote bags today. If they turn out nice, I will post photos.