I'm back!

So sorry :( I have many of my blog friends on Facebook and I keep up there. Truth be told, the last 2 months have been a blur. My business and homeschool took over the months of November and December. I have also been struggling with my fertility(and lack thereof) plus going through the classes for fostering to adopt. It has been going okay, not great. I started on HCG to help with fertility/hormones. I celebrated another birthday. It was like a funeral and didn't hit me until last night. A women in the fostering class popped off a snide comment about catholics and while three of us compared notes on fertility drugs and side effects, this said woman was making odd remarks on not "speaking baby stuff". I wish I could say it's been a positive experience but I will not make a judgement call this early. We have 7 more meetings to go.

I am a bit dead on the fertility issue. 43 is not fun. Every year I have less hope, more tears and less understanding surrounding me. I want to embrace the thought of adoption. I want to believe God has a plan and these tears are a phase. So many birth announcements, babies and births. I have witnessed miracles. I have not completely lost hope. I'm just in mourning. Is that odd? I don't have anyone here, or close, that understands how it feels or why I am sad. Uhg.

So here is what I am doing. I have femara, 6 pills on CD2. Then on P plus 3 I start the HCG injections. I am on my 2nd cycle with HCG and I will test on P plus 7 to see what the hormones look like. I am also starting another round of the HCG diet back up later this week. I pray, I cry, I avoid the problem, I try to find hope. That's about it.(Maybe you can see why I took a blog break)

I needed to blog after last night's meeting. It was hard. I revealed how we lost 4 babies through miscarriage. I felt alone. I will keep blogging on the fostering/adoption. I know it helps others make a decision. I already feel betting being about to log what I am going through. I pray someday I will be able to look back at how hard this has been and that I got through it. I'm still trying to decide if hope is a good thing or deceitful.

Starting HCG this cycle(yeah)

So I am on the HCG diet. Losing weight nicely. Dr. is having me start HCG injection this cycle on P+3. I will keep you posted. For the record I am on Femara, progesterone and estrodiol on P+3-12 and now 10,000iu HCG on P+3.

I'm having funky side pain from the Femara today so I will cut this post short.

Back on HCG

Back on R2P2 of HCG diet. I'm trying to tell myself this is not forever. I'm not going to say that eating 500 calories a day is fun. Before you scold me(haha), you can read about the HCG called Pounds and Inches by Dr. Simeon. I feel better, this time I am down 15 lbs, but I have the dbl progesterone and estrodial to deal with(oh, and Femara). I'm not starving just thinking about food more than I should and have told myself it is the hormone supplements. I didn't have that last time.

I recommend the HCG diet if you have thyroid issues or adrenal fatigue. I could not successfully lose weight before this diet. I ate less and worked harder than most and either lost 2 lbs in one month or nothing and sometimes even gained. I think it would be awesome for those with PCOS, too.

So I will see where this cycle ends, hoping for a baby, trying not to be anything but a realist regarding this matter. I am 42, I love babies and children and pray for God's Will. I still hope. I've been scolded for "obsessing over my miscarriages/babies/infertility." I am only here to please God and I have asked God to take this desire away if it is never meant to be. That's about it.

Update. My life went crazy

CD1 came and went. First there was anger and tears(52 days was the official count). Then I decided, at my age, I should be glad I even have a CD1(funny, ok, not really). Then I went through it, life got odd and I landed here.For some crazy reason, my business took off again. Not just an "I sold a few things" back to pre-Obama volume.So I am scrambling trying to keep up with school, get my fall and holiday stuff completed and get these orders out the door.
I've come to the conclusion if I was sitting around sulking and being bummed about things, I would be useless. I'm very busy, didn't see it coming and barely keeping up.
So this morning, I am up early with a "Femara" headache, thinking about fixing a pot of coffee and working before the kids get up.We went to the last Cincinnati Reds game of the season, it was dern cold. Today we are paying for not getting things done as we should. Especially me. This week should be equally frantic, I have school, work, installations, doctor appt. for kids, deadlines and maybe I might sneak in a trip to the apple farm somewhere in there. Mr. Thorn and I are trying to get back on HCG, it's been too long and I miss the feeling better, losing weight and energy I felt.
I'm off to either head back to bed or make coffee.I will pay for getting up early around 3:30 today.

No CD1, limbo is becoming the new norm

It is CD49. What the stink is going on? Since I am on estradiol and progesterone, I have all these crazy preg. symptoms and my test yesterday was BFN. I didn't take my meds last night. I was mad and frustrated. I think I still am. Very sick to my stomach.
We sent away for a homestudy packet from a local agency and we need to fill it out so we can start. We are starting the ball rolling on fostering to adopt. Scared. Eh, I just need to get it done. Hoping to complete that this weekend. I don't like long to-do lists so I need to stop over-analyzing and just send it in. The thought of a child praying or asking for a family and we are being buttheads and not just "doing it" is bothering me.
So that's my story. Sorry if I am crabby. Myself is not used to this 49 day cycle thing. Femara's fault? Probably. I ate soba noodles and my lips are on fire. How's that for random?

CD 41??? Serious-leelly?

Yes, you read that right. And I will probably go to CD 52+ since my peak day was on CD39. Never happened to me. I had one false alarm(or double peak) this cycle. I am hanging in there. I hope something happens with my P+7 labs that makes me look all right/human.
We started school today. I had to wait to get the curriculum and it showed up yesterday so we did a mini day today. We are using Seton this year and hope the combination of lesson plans and then grading the more intense items will help us.

Another item on the horizon is that we are going through the home study process with a local agency. We haven't filled out the paperwork yet but it is here and we are going to do it. It is involved in some aspects. I am hoping they will not make us vaccinate to get approved. Eh, I will do what I can. We are hoping to go the "foster to adopt" route. I will post more when we get over the first hurdle.

One of my pregnant friends went to the hospital yesterday and 34.5 weeks, her water broke and I haven't heard from her since. Keep her and the baby in your prayers. She lives far away and the family probably didn't think to contact me(don't know my phone number).

Update on the cycle news...

Okay, doc called, had the wrong number(yeah, I'm not a crazy hormone magnet). Doc wants me to continue using the OPK(going to get a diff brand tonight, Answer brand is too sensitive). I'm to start taking the estrodiol and prometrium 3 days after my last pos OPK reading. Then if not new "CD1", we are setting up an appt to see my charts and see what we can tweak.
Reds are playing tonight so I plan on keeping my mind of my baby maker woes. I need to plunge into work tomorrow.
Thank you, Lord, for bearing with my freak-out moments. I am humbled by how you look after me and reassure me.

This is what it feels like...

When you are over 40, have recurrent miscarriage and are trying to reach your doctor...he never calls. This is what it feels like when the world gives up on you(rephrase that...you *feel* that it has given up on you). Too old, close to menopause, too much trouble. Whatever the reason, it hurts. I called(as per my doctor's instructions) Tuesday morning, 9am. Wednesday night, three phone calls later, he never called back. Office closed for the day. CD26, no CM this cycle, 3 days of positive OPK's. This was after I told God "I'm doing everything I can, this is in Your hands".
Stupid femara. I'm not living well with this anxiety. How do you know what to do when your doctor doesn't return phone calls? I am a fairly easy going patient, not demanding or panicky. I'm only following up because he told me too. I can't start estrodial or prometrium with no CM or labs.
This is going to be a long night.

An article to decribe my difficult position

Secondary Infertility - When you can't conceive again

I found this article that sums up some of my odd feelings. Here is a quote I found that describes where I am:

"You have lost your membership in the primary infertility group by attaining the dream (they) still long for. … Yet you feel you do not really belong to the world of the fertile." They call secondary infertility the "loneliest kind," a depressingly apt description.

There is not much on the internet regarding secondary infertility. That doesn't even describe my situation. I have children. I have 3. I lost 4 babies to miscarriage. I haven't been able to achieve pregnancy since 2008. I had to take a break last summer while I went through crazy labs. I am on my second cycle of femara and on CD21, still no ovulation.
I just reached the part of my blog post where I don't know what to say. I pray for all my pregnant friends, in life and blog friends. I don't wish my situation on others, I pray no one has to go through this. I pray that God lead me to answers and where I am to be. I don't know where that is. I need to get to work so I can avoid this part of my life for awhile. I have much to do with my new business, homeschool and keeping the kids busy.
Right now I need some patience so I can wait on God to finish me. Sometimes I need a reminder that He made me this way and in all other aspects of my life, I am actually a very patient person. If I was more patient(and maybe younger), I might be better at this waiting thing.

No "O" for me

Labs back. No peak. My prog was .5. CD19 and I got nada. After a google search, this seems to happen on femara....late peak. So I will keep using the OPK and waiting for CM to appear. I have always believed that a late peak meant little or no chance of a pregnancy. Yeah, I'm jaded like that.
So now I will wait and pray and know that this cycle is not the end or forever. Getting older is getting harder. I'm trying to be patient, Lord.

Back from vacation and Femara crazies!

We took an extra long vacation and I just noticed I didn't blog while away(I should have). I am on my second cycle of Femara and it's one bizarre drug. I had a 5 day cycle(on vacation, weh) and then spotted "pink" from days 7-11. No CM...at all. No idea where I am, dr. sent me to lab last night, I'm thinking peak was way early. I am not having any bizarre symptoms but I am also not on my usual prometrium/estrodial. More people I know are pregnant. Again. I broke down the day before we left Florida and cried, a lot. I prayed for so many, to achieve pregnancy, for troubled pregnancies, adoptions. I felt selfish, guilty and kinda rotten. In the end, I had to decide if these pregnant friends and people all around me are there as torture and a cruel joke or to give me hope. God is not one to play tricks or mind games. I have prayed so many times for our desire for another child to be taken away if it is never meant to be. So now I am stuck with hope. I know few if any understand why I would want more children, with the repeated miscarriage and the chance of having yet another with autism. I can't explain the hope for life and children. It doesn't make sense but it is there and it's strong.

The vacation was good, stressful in some ways but it was a nice trip. My autistic boys need to be entertained constantly so that gets frantic after a bit. The kids wanted to go fishing in the bay which was right out our door but it was very hot and the thought of having to take barracuda off a hook with nasty teeth didn't appeal to me.
We are having to start homeschool late. We went with Seton this year and the special services dept must be overly busy now so we can't get an appointment until 9/9. I think we will go ahead and start their math early since we know what we are doing there. I need coffee. I can't believe I blogged before coffee.

Plans and side effects. Yeah, like that.

I am CD7 and my weight is bouncing around quite a bit, wondering if it is stress, the femara or salt/water whatever. I don't know. We planned our vacation and we are staying in the Gulf, not the messy part and honestly, I was not apposed to that, the people there just didn't return my phone call(Gulf Shores). We need to get away and we are being budget-friendly doing so. It will be hot, I'm sure so we will be in the pool a lot.
The phase of my diet is going okay, could be better. I read some people gain on femara but I did a one day dose thing so I can't see that is affecting my weight. I don't think I am drinking enough water, honestly. Today I hope to do that a load up on protein to see what happens. I want to be stable before our trip. I don't want the whole trip to be about what I am eating or not. My appetite has changed and that is a beautiful thing.
I am in a mess over homeschool. I was really disappointed with the curriculum we used this year. I loved the classical aspect of the books and lessons but their customer support is a hot mess. A waste of money, in my opinion. They rarely answered the phone, took a week or more answering emails...not what I paid for. We really had problems tackling the creative writing this year and instead of helping us, the advisor got all vague and moved on. So we need a new plan. I need to settle this and work on it before we leave. I am planning on doing the kids standardized tests next week. We are looking at Seton but I will miss teaching the classical elements that the kids loved like mythology, Latin and (we were preparing for) Roman history. The grammar and math programs were good too. The lesson plans and organization aspect got the best of me this year. I know the kids are much stronger in language, math, history....it's writing they all struggled in trying to find a solid understanding. The schools they attended prior to homeschool just ignored creative writing. Period. That left it all on me.
So I will get through. In the meantime, we hope the new plan for achieving pregnancy(and staying pregnant) will work. I have another friend who is pregnant and it gives me hope that God will hear our prayer. I don't feel old. I feel younger than I have in years after losing weight and getting my blood pressure to 120/80(last week). I have lost much more than 10% of my body weight, all good. So I ready to go where God leads me. I just have no idea where that will be.

Another quick update

Starting a new med. Fermara. 20mg CD2. I hope my ovaries don't explode. Just took them down with tea so I will keep you posted(my meds, not my ovaries). I read some other NaPro women did fab with this and my insurance covered it(since they have to, a breast cancer drug). Anyone conceive with this? I am getting labs on P+7 and if prog. level icky, he is bumping me up to 600mg(yow). Yeah, that's serious hormones. So I may check in tomorrow or over the weekend to let you know if I went nuts in the middle of the night after 20mg.
I also read women report 10 days to 2 weeks of fertile CM with this crazy method. I can't help but giggle about that....now. Will update later.