I'm back!

So sorry :( I have many of my blog friends on Facebook and I keep up there. Truth be told, the last 2 months have been a blur. My business and homeschool took over the months of November and December. I have also been struggling with my fertility(and lack thereof) plus going through the classes for fostering to adopt. It has been going okay, not great. I started on HCG to help with fertility/hormones. I celebrated another birthday. It was like a funeral and didn't hit me until last night. A women in the fostering class popped off a snide comment about catholics and while three of us compared notes on fertility drugs and side effects, this said woman was making odd remarks on not "speaking baby stuff". I wish I could say it's been a positive experience but I will not make a judgement call this early. We have 7 more meetings to go.

I am a bit dead on the fertility issue. 43 is not fun. Every year I have less hope, more tears and less understanding surrounding me. I want to embrace the thought of adoption. I want to believe God has a plan and these tears are a phase. So many birth announcements, babies and births. I have witnessed miracles. I have not completely lost hope. I'm just in mourning. Is that odd? I don't have anyone here, or close, that understands how it feels or why I am sad. Uhg.

So here is what I am doing. I have femara, 6 pills on CD2. Then on P plus 3 I start the HCG injections. I am on my 2nd cycle with HCG and I will test on P plus 7 to see what the hormones look like. I am also starting another round of the HCG diet back up later this week. I pray, I cry, I avoid the problem, I try to find hope. That's about it.(Maybe you can see why I took a blog break)

I needed to blog after last night's meeting. It was hard. I revealed how we lost 4 babies through miscarriage. I felt alone. I will keep blogging on the fostering/adoption. I know it helps others make a decision. I already feel betting being about to log what I am going through. I pray someday I will be able to look back at how hard this has been and that I got through it. I'm still trying to decide if hope is a good thing or deceitful.

Update on the cycle news...

Okay, doc called, had the wrong number(yeah, I'm not a crazy hormone magnet). Doc wants me to continue using the OPK(going to get a diff brand tonight, Answer brand is too sensitive). I'm to start taking the estrodiol and prometrium 3 days after my last pos OPK reading. Then if not new "CD1", we are setting up an appt to see my charts and see what we can tweak.
Reds are playing tonight so I plan on keeping my mind of my baby maker woes. I need to plunge into work tomorrow.
Thank you, Lord, for bearing with my freak-out moments. I am humbled by how you look after me and reassure me.

This is what it feels like...

When you are over 40, have recurrent miscarriage and are trying to reach your doctor...he never calls. This is what it feels like when the world gives up on you(rephrase that...you *feel* that it has given up on you). Too old, close to menopause, too much trouble. Whatever the reason, it hurts. I called(as per my doctor's instructions) Tuesday morning, 9am. Wednesday night, three phone calls later, he never called back. Office closed for the day. CD26, no CM this cycle, 3 days of positive OPK's. This was after I told God "I'm doing everything I can, this is in Your hands".
Stupid femara. I'm not living well with this anxiety. How do you know what to do when your doctor doesn't return phone calls? I am a fairly easy going patient, not demanding or panicky. I'm only following up because he told me too. I can't start estrodial or prometrium with no CM or labs.
This is going to be a long night.

Another quick update

Starting a new med. Fermara. 20mg CD2. I hope my ovaries don't explode. Just took them down with tea so I will keep you posted(my meds, not my ovaries). I read some other NaPro women did fab with this and my insurance covered it(since they have to, a breast cancer drug). Anyone conceive with this? I am getting labs on P+7 and if prog. level icky, he is bumping me up to 600mg(yow). Yeah, that's serious hormones. So I may check in tomorrow or over the weekend to let you know if I went nuts in the middle of the night after 20mg.
I also read women report 10 days to 2 weeks of fertile CM with this crazy method. I can't help but giggle about that....now. Will update later.

Holy Week, Prayer Buddy wrap up

Just a quick post. I have been very busy with school and my progesterone levels being super nuts have made me tired and dizzy most days. I peaked on CD11??? Wha?? That's odd. I don't read any symptoms anymore because it stresses me out and I get frustrated.
I have kept my lenten promises the best I could. I'm sure I could have done more(I always feel that way) but with the death in the family, more pregnancy announcements(not mine..lol) and stress over homeschool, I am also a realist. So I prayed for my prayer buddy and I am sending her package tonight.I hope it gets there before Easter but I may send an email on Easter just to say it's on its way in case it runs late. I am so tired as I write this. It is the "staring at walls" hour for me when I have to do something to get energy to carry on. I keep rubbing my eyes like a sleepy toddler.
On the political front, I have been following Trey Grayson's campaign more closely. I wish I had more time to volunteer, it's a bad time of year with school, grades and busyness. Politics is wearing me thin. I'm tired of the Tea Party, tired of the libertarian thing and need a respite from it all. I plan on spending the next two days with family and at church. I need to spend time with Jesus this week.
I prayed for all my blog friends with troubled pregnancies, miscarriage infertility and special crosses every day during Lent. I hope God hears your prayers and answers.

Politics, fertility and probate, oh my!

Odd, I am CD32 or P+17. Not normal for me. Especially since I have been on progesterone. I'm not having any PMS issues except being weepy and even that has totally subsided. I need a new chart, new stickers and I need to get on the ball and get this emailed over for a second opinion. The weird pain in the female region makes no sense, it's not cramps...I don't know what endo pain feels like. Sigh, I don't enjoy over analyzing.
On the probate/law front, things are looking better. No will was filed by the lady so my BIL is getting the original will over to the county clerks office. She will now need to contest our will. My prayer is that the truth comes out and that we won't have to stress about this every day.
Got a bit sad because the best candidate for our senate race here in Kentucky has pulled out of the race. I think it has effected my jaded view of government and that is not a good thing. His name is Bill Johnson and he had such a positive strong and consistent message. He had a two-fold problem. One, his opponents were out spending him and most of their money came from out of state(boo). The other problem was name recognition. Rand Paul is known because of his father, Greyson because he has been in politics. Until recently, I was an active participant in the Tea Party movement. Now, I have backed off and I don't plan on getting involved again any time soon. We have loose canons like Dick Armey's FreedomWorks endorsing candidates without looking at the bigger picture, Sarah Palin(same thing) and it effects state politics when big names like that get involved without "doing their homework". Tea party "anything" should not be endorsing candidates. It will be the Party's undoing. People are involved for different reasons and what unifies us is the social and political conservative standards. To what degree people want to see them in government is personal. Endorsing candidates as "the Tea Party candidate" is only going to drive people away(like me and my family). Being involved in the Tea Party doesn't mean we all want to be libertarians. I am actually a registered republican and a member of the American Independent Party. I plan on staying that way, it is what I identify with on many levels, both fiscally and socially. Okay, I had to get all that out. Bill Johnson, sir, we will miss you and in the long run, our commonwealth will miss you. I hope you will consider another run some day. We can wait.

Knock. it. off.

So tonight, I'm busily pumping out orders, sewing away. All of a sudden, it hits me. I don't get to stop doing this, slow down or focus on my family. Ever. Ever is a long time. Ever to me equals 90. So then the water starts, I can't stop crying. I mean I seriously couldn't stop. In just a single moment, our dreams of homeschool bliss, mommy baking in the kitchen, working in the yard, taking the kids to the park, all the stuff other moms get to do, poof. Then I got really angry. I finished my orders, came up to the classroom, logged into some newsie sites to see what I missed and oddly enough, had a moment of pleasure. I decided the old woman who took our family's fortune, her daughter looks a lot like Nancy Pelosi. I felt a bit better. That is just wrong on so many levels but I suppose I am desperate for some comic relief.
So I am having a glass of Cabernet, trying to get my mind off my woes, I'm P+12 and wishing I wasn't weeping because CD1 is near. I actually had to make a to do list because I have so many loose ends, I knew I would forget something. Actually, I even prayed that God would touch the heart of the old woman who ripped us off and make her feel remorseful for stealing from us. She definitely needs prayers for her soul. Stealing is stealing is stealing and I would not want to confront God after that big of a crime/sin. We are talking mortal with a capital M.
So, now I think my best plan would be to keep myself as busy as possible so the tears stay at bay. I would love to carry a baby to term and bring it home to be with us forever, I would love to just be a mom and a wife for once and I would love to find a way to bring peace to our home. So God, if you think any of this might be possible(or if I am asking for too much), let me know. I truly am ready for God to lead me. I just want to have a tiny flower of hope. Somewhere. Anywhere.

A new doctor is just what the who-who...

I'm getting antsy not being able to get out, work or provide for the greater good. Today I had an added bonus of my oldest having a stomach virus. I didn't want to do much, I had to make soup and jello for sick boy and then I got into watching the the Illinois goobinnor make a spectacle of himself this afternoon. That was wickety-whack! And that guy they called to the table to speak, Rush, what a racist...the entire thing was icky.
On another note, I talked to a friend today, I let her know how insane my cramping(more like labor pains) have been and the clotting, etc. She made me realize I need to shake my doctors. Any doctor that has the nerve to call themselves Catholic and have more voracity in their touting of birth control than of helping me to maintain my pregnancy, needs a serious re-evaluation. Years ago, I heard of and tried to contact a Dr. Mattingly over in Cincinnati. This being the hot bed of Couple to Couple League, NaPro was totally absent from this region. I was trained well in NY and continued to follow-up with my NP and she sent me charts and stamps for years. So this Dr. Mattingly was new at the time and must have just been recently trained. for whatever reason(out-of-network, far away, I can't remember), I did not follow through with making an appointment with him. After three failed pregnancies, I have come to the conclusion, my current OB's have no interest in getting serious about helping me maintain a pregnancy. Then I returned to a local site that inspired me: http://www.catholicinfertility.org/
Lottie's story gave me hope and made me smile because I read her story when they adopted and remembered praying that they conceive because it touched me so. I was so thrilled to go back and see that they had a baby boy! This is so awesome! I teared up when I saw the baby's picture! There used to be a forum on this site that is no longer there but there is some great info there, nonetheless.
I need to go back on my food plan(after the holidays are over) and work toward this new and healthy goal.
I have hope at the beginning of the new year! Who knew? We are going to a warm and happy Florida place in April, I am preparing to shake my pro-abortifacient doctors loose and we are returning to eating well(and eventually IV therapy). Whew. I am so ready for this year to be over. It blew chunks. I have to think of new life, hope and some respite from suffering and loss. Just when I thought that maybe my desire to conceive and have more children would fade(after losing 4 babies), I am renewed and strengthened by where I *think* God is leading me. I will pray about it. I really thought hope would be hard to find after everything that has happened. Let's pray I can hang on this time. To babies and life! Woohoo...

NFP and "Da Rules"

A visitor asked the question below and what follows is my response. Chime in if you have anything to add.

I've always been confused about NFP in the sense that - well, those who are not catholic point out that it doesn't really work. And I always thought, well, therein lies the morality! You remain *open* to children, but you avoid conception as best you can through an ineffectual method. So I thought that it was interesting when a commenter said that NFP was only permissible under extraordinary circumstances, and that *short* of extraordinary circumstances, one should not resort to NFP but should abstain entirely. And this is sort of baffling, no? Given that Catholics are, as a rule, required to be open to children, it seems strange (to me) that the hierarchy would be:
1. you have no problems? then ordinary marital relations, children as they come...
2. minor problems? NO marital relations, NO children.
3. grave problems? (i.e. life of mother) - then, NFP - *possibly* no children, quite possibly yes.

Is this accurate?
thanks so much,
Maura

a thorn in the pew's response:

NFP, as we have used it for 11 years is highly effective. One big difference between NFP and illicit forms of birth control is we used it quite often to achieve pregnancy. You cannot do that with condoms, pill, others. The other difference is that NFP is not an abortifacient(the pill will allow egg to be fertilized and "abort" that newly conceived baby by not allowing it to implant). I have not met a couple who claim that NFP does not work. Using NFP prohibits the use of abortifacients and barrier methods and encourages the education of a woman's cycle and natural fertility signs. If we are avoiding pregnancy(notice I say we, not I) we simply choose not to use fertile days. In a marriage, there are valid reasons to abstain and the church recognizes this. We have been, throughout our marriage not just open to children, but also have a strong desire to add more children when most of the world has told us "you have two special needs kids, why could you possibly want any more?" So to say that because there is a problem, a couple wouldn't want more is untrue. The complexity lies when you have marginal Catholics using NFP other than the way it was intended. That was the question raised in the post I had on NFP. NFP is not birth control. It is a communication tool that can be used throughout a marriage and helps a couple focus on where they would like the family to grow. Woman who don't use NFP bear the burden of when it doesn't work, it is all their fault. As far as a couple who has grave reasons never to have children? I can't imagine a reason so grave that would keep them from ever conceiving a child. The only point I see that is totally true would be #1, no problems, NFP used to have children every month.(There is the subject of breastfeeding to space children naturally that comes into play under these circumstances as well.) I hope this helps, I will publish this as a post if there are other NFP couples that would like to add to this.

NFP and its use in Catholic family

IS NATURAL FAMILY PLANNING A 'HERESY'?I have become somewhat awakened to the down side of NFP in the last year. We have used it our entire married life but I agree with some of the criticism of this practise recently. We have used NaProTeachnology and not the method taught by CCL. When we were taught, many many years ago, emphasis was not put on the term "serious reason". From a Catholic perspective, this is a very important part of NFP. I saw CCL on EWTN Live last year and afterwards, felt odd about how they handled some of the questions. While I agree that if you are truly practising NFP the way it was intended, you always desire more children. Even my children desire more children. Abstinence(or avoiding pregnancy) should only occur for "serious reason". This is too vague and needs to be clarified by Rome for NFP not to be abused. "Serious reason" should not be "we don't have a savings account yet", "need to take a family vacation first", etc.
So while I am a big advocate of NFP, I have seen its abuse and wonder if part of the incomplete teaching is because it is sought out by denominationals and LDS now, not just Catholics. The article linked above touches on some of these issues but it truly is an odd aspect of what should be a wonderful tool for married life in the faith.