I'm back!

So sorry :( I have many of my blog friends on Facebook and I keep up there. Truth be told, the last 2 months have been a blur. My business and homeschool took over the months of November and December. I have also been struggling with my fertility(and lack thereof) plus going through the classes for fostering to adopt. It has been going okay, not great. I started on HCG to help with fertility/hormones. I celebrated another birthday. It was like a funeral and didn't hit me until last night. A women in the fostering class popped off a snide comment about catholics and while three of us compared notes on fertility drugs and side effects, this said woman was making odd remarks on not "speaking baby stuff". I wish I could say it's been a positive experience but I will not make a judgement call this early. We have 7 more meetings to go.

I am a bit dead on the fertility issue. 43 is not fun. Every year I have less hope, more tears and less understanding surrounding me. I want to embrace the thought of adoption. I want to believe God has a plan and these tears are a phase. So many birth announcements, babies and births. I have witnessed miracles. I have not completely lost hope. I'm just in mourning. Is that odd? I don't have anyone here, or close, that understands how it feels or why I am sad. Uhg.

So here is what I am doing. I have femara, 6 pills on CD2. Then on P plus 3 I start the HCG injections. I am on my 2nd cycle with HCG and I will test on P plus 7 to see what the hormones look like. I am also starting another round of the HCG diet back up later this week. I pray, I cry, I avoid the problem, I try to find hope. That's about it.(Maybe you can see why I took a blog break)

I needed to blog after last night's meeting. It was hard. I revealed how we lost 4 babies through miscarriage. I felt alone. I will keep blogging on the fostering/adoption. I know it helps others make a decision. I already feel betting being about to log what I am going through. I pray someday I will be able to look back at how hard this has been and that I got through it. I'm still trying to decide if hope is a good thing or deceitful.

No CD1, limbo is becoming the new norm

It is CD49. What the stink is going on? Since I am on estradiol and progesterone, I have all these crazy preg. symptoms and my test yesterday was BFN. I didn't take my meds last night. I was mad and frustrated. I think I still am. Very sick to my stomach.
We sent away for a homestudy packet from a local agency and we need to fill it out so we can start. We are starting the ball rolling on fostering to adopt. Scared. Eh, I just need to get it done. Hoping to complete that this weekend. I don't like long to-do lists so I need to stop over-analyzing and just send it in. The thought of a child praying or asking for a family and we are being buttheads and not just "doing it" is bothering me.
So that's my story. Sorry if I am crabby. Myself is not used to this 49 day cycle thing. Femara's fault? Probably. I ate soba noodles and my lips are on fire. How's that for random?

Some news, some snow and you know...

So I have a og friend who has baby news, I am so, so happy about. AYWH and her dh brought home their baby girl yesterday and it made my day, week and more! Honestly, this is more exciting than me finding out we are expecting(I'm not, I'm just saying, I have followed her blog so long and all...) So, if you need a lift and to witness God's amazing love for us, visit and see the happy family.
Next, we are recovering for what seemed like a crazy holiday with me on prometrium(ack, what side effects I had) and catching up with work related business and school. We have a large order to finish and ship and we are trying to complete our second quarter of homeschool. So I will be brief so I can get back to work before the kids come in dripping with snow.
I made a purchase this week for our homeschool classroom in hopes that it would solve some of the ADD issues we are having with staying on task and motivation my younger son to finish work and lessons. It should be delivered tomorrow and looks promising. It is called The Appreciation Station and it is a reward "vending machine" that you can adapt and use to suit your own needs and those of the child. Here is where we purchased it from, it is on clearance and a great price!


The Appreciation Station
For free shipping, use code 391467 at checkout.
Anyway, I am excited because it reiterates the parenting style I have consistently used with my boys(with much success) in rewarding positive behaviors. We plan on using coupons for time with mom or dad, family game and movie nights and some trinkets. I will report back how it works out.
Okay, I need to move on and get in a lot of work today. I would like to blog more but sometimes life gets crazy.
If you would like to follow me on Facebook(I'm much more active there now), post a comment(I won't publish) of how to find you and connect with you there. My frenetic life seems to be more short bursts/FB style at the present time. I'm not giving up the blog, I just know until summer, I will be busy...lol.

Adoption

Bill 68 before KY Senate

Bill would ban gays from adopting
I will be watching this one. We are in the process of making headway in the adoption process.

Sunday. Some odd, some good.

We went to Mass at Sacred Heart again today, nice and normal and nothing irritating or surprising....ahhhh, peace. Excellent homily(I haven't heard a bad one yet at this church...lol) and we saw many familiar faces, too. I have to say so because it's nice not to have drama and have a normal Mass experience.
The food plan is rocky but mostly because there is always prep and cooking involved and we are supposed to eat every two hours and that hasn't happened. We had all beef dogs, Skyline chili and low fat mozzarella cheese and mustard. Meh, it's food.
We had to run the dreaded stool sample over to Children's Hospital and then to the post office. On the way home, we stopped at Panera Bread and had the freakiest thing happen. The girl there accused my youngest of touching a muffin, yelled at her, scared her to the point of tears and then after I agreed to pay for it, threw it out(glaring at me while she did it). I was in such shock, we left. Left without coffee or our breakfast baked goods for the kids. I called the manager when we got home and explained what happened. He called back, said the girl cried(whatever) and said "sorry" and that was it. He actually made me feel guilty that we upset her. So I am left here, totally confused and bewildered. First, if you don't want kids touching them, enclose them(they get stale sitting out all day anyway) they had a two inch space between the counter and the glass and my littlest said "I promise mom, I didn't touch it"...not the point but that's what she said. Second, at a buffet place, kids will touch 4 cookies on the line before picking one, no one yells at them. Third, this girl is getting a paycheck at an open/non-bankrupt establishment. Does she not value having a job in this economy? Do Americans who are employed not really care what happens to them or anyone? Anytime we even think of complaining about our jobs, my husband and I back that truck up and admit "at least we have a job"...too true and so thankful. So, that's my good and odd day. It's probably partly my fault for spending what should be a day of rest and keeping holy the sabbath at a Panera(as short-lived as it was). Maybe that was a smiting. I told my friend, my mom, kind of unloaded it and I am fine now. I was angry but now it is more confusing than anything else. Who does that?
On another note, my friend linked me to a website that has children who came her from Russia to be adopted and out of all of them, four are returning with no adoptive family. This is haunting me and won't leave me. They look to be the oldest children of the group, most all were 13 years old and I can't tell you how it breaks my heart. I would take in every child if we had the means...it is hard to fathom the sorrow in that flight home to the orphanage while others found families. I'm so sad over this. The adoption thing is bad for me(as much as I want it) because I want them all, to rescue and love and hug....anyway, it just makes me nuts how emotional and grief laden this may become(if God calls us to adopt). It doesn't help that I have three years of Russian from my undergrad years.(Who takes Russian?) Here I am Lord, let me know your way....

More tears.

Should I continue to have children despite special needs?

Another amazing example and insight from one of my favorite bloggers. I have prayed and feel that being wholly and truly pro-life means being open to all life in all ways. I've come a long way in this journey and hope that I am not afraid of the "what's next". Whatever that next is.

In my prayers

This broke my heart.

Steven Curtis Chapman's daughter killed by car in driveway

He is so talented and has done so much for the adoption community. So, so sad.

Very cool adoption story

Actor Jim Caviezel Adopts Second Disabled Child