My numbers and HCG shots a comin'

I received my lab numbers today for P+7. 40 on estrodial and 14 on progesterone. He wants me off prometrium and on HCG shots starting P+3. We are still treating everything as if I have endo and he believes that is what is causing the luteal phase defect/crazy number. I think it is also my age, from what I have read. Today was the first day I know of that I have voluntarily said, "I would love another child, if it is Your Will." Why these words are odd, I can only believe is because I have been praying for so long that God answers our prayer and the "Your Will" part has always come with grumbling and apprehension. So now I wait another cycle, try to figure out how to become healthier, lose weight, all of the above. I have been so busy with work and homeschool that my health comes last, always. I hope God is taking better care of me than I am of myself. I cut out pop, back to coffee with goat's milk(only) and trying not to snack very much. I have a strong desire to be fit and healthy, just not the means or time, that saddens me. So much snow outside. It's lighting up the entire room. I don't really like snow or cold but I will take the nice natural light.

Some news, some snow and you know...

So I have a og friend who has baby news, I am so, so happy about. AYWH and her dh brought home their baby girl yesterday and it made my day, week and more! Honestly, this is more exciting than me finding out we are expecting(I'm not, I'm just saying, I have followed her blog so long and all...) So, if you need a lift and to witness God's amazing love for us, visit and see the happy family.
Next, we are recovering for what seemed like a crazy holiday with me on prometrium(ack, what side effects I had) and catching up with work related business and school. We have a large order to finish and ship and we are trying to complete our second quarter of homeschool. So I will be brief so I can get back to work before the kids come in dripping with snow.
I made a purchase this week for our homeschool classroom in hopes that it would solve some of the ADD issues we are having with staying on task and motivation my younger son to finish work and lessons. It should be delivered tomorrow and looks promising. It is called The Appreciation Station and it is a reward "vending machine" that you can adapt and use to suit your own needs and those of the child. Here is where we purchased it from, it is on clearance and a great price!


The Appreciation Station
For free shipping, use code 391467 at checkout.
Anyway, I am excited because it reiterates the parenting style I have consistently used with my boys(with much success) in rewarding positive behaviors. We plan on using coupons for time with mom or dad, family game and movie nights and some trinkets. I will report back how it works out.
Okay, I need to move on and get in a lot of work today. I would like to blog more but sometimes life gets crazy.
If you would like to follow me on Facebook(I'm much more active there now), post a comment(I won't publish) of how to find you and connect with you there. My frenetic life seems to be more short bursts/FB style at the present time. I'm not giving up the blog, I just know until summer, I will be busy...lol.

They would be here

I have been quiet and to myself lately. Thankfully, God has kept me busy with work, kids and homeschool things. I would have been 39 weeks with the twins. I went to Sam's the other night and just as I started to approach what I came for, twin newborn girls, perfect in a stroller and I had to find a place to run for cover. I thought my grief was essentially over. I know it never totally goes away but the baby items are arriving in the mail. The coupons, freebies, etc. This constant reminder of what will never be. I don't have "someone" who knows this pain and often I just feel selfish. Then guilty. When things at home aren't perfect or peaceful, it seems Satan is just pounding me with the "you couldn't handle it" feeling. I hope for a miracle. I try to support and pray for others, pregnant and trying. I search for something to hope for. I turn the news off. I ask the Blessed Mother to intercede and help me to find comfort and a way to cope. I know I am not using my pain wisely, more guilt. I want to use this to motivate me to get healthy, lose weight, get serious about conception and maintaining a pregnancy. What if it is all in vain, again? Why would a loving God want me to try and sacrifice and fail again? Why do we still hope for life? Why do I?
I can't move on. I have tried. Our family feels incomplete. I have always felt there will be another child, so I kept hope. I did just conceive twins 8 months ago. How do you hope for a miracle and stay positive? It doesn't make sense. It is hard when most of the homeschool families have babies and toddlers so there is a reminder and a hope that continues even when my sensible self is telling me to let go, move on, don't do this to yourself. As my arms yearn to hold babies that have never arrived, I try to keep busy and not let too much silence enter. That is when the tears come and the reality hits hard. I hope God understands why I busy myself. Why I find diversions and keep them up. Suffering is different when you don't know the end of the story.
(Also, I couldn't get my labs done for the hormonal screen because I never had better than a 6 this month. I am meeting with an NFP/Creighton practitioner on Monday so I am hoping for something to calm my nerves and feeling of doom)

Baby that refused to die

How my baby defied doctors and refused to die

Makes me wonder about my own pregnancies. I believed everything the doctors told me...
What a great ending thogh.

Oooh, a happy story!

My tiny 1lb 9oz baby squeezed my hand - and gave me hope

He raised his hand and gave his mother's finger a squeeze as Mr Ardill captured the moment on camera.

That moment proved to be a turning point.

(After reading the latest on Mssssss. Pelosi, I was glad to find a story of what (she claims) St. Augustine said about a 3 month old..."we don't know".)

Punished with a beautiful baby

Alaska Governor (and Possible Veep) Punished by Baby

Interesting read and an updated story plus diagnosis here:
Palin confirms baby has Down syndrome
Did you see she is 44 years old? Very cool and great for us "older moms"(not to mention she looks smashing). Try not to read the comments on the last linked story, lots of haters and abortionists abound. Regardless, it is witness to God's handiwork as this child will be blessed with God's grace.

(*Photo credit KTUU)
H/T to Fr. Schnippel for the info on this wonderful story

Babies are so cool(and funny)

I found this in honor of the eve of anniversary of Roe v. Wade. Just one more reason to love these precious little ones. It continues to baffle me how anyone could not want and cherish each tiny life. I know there are others out there who hope for a baby too(which makes this anniversary so hard). Pray for change and to overturn Roe v. Wade. Enjoy this sweet baby video I found.

My first ultrasound

I have been on an emotional trip today. I called the doctor's office this morning about the spotting this weekend. They got an appointment with the ultrasound lab and I got in at 1 pm. I was very nervous but took my St. Gerard handkerchief with me and I knew this was in God's hands. They tried first to find it with a belly ultrasound and couldn't. I have a severely tilted uterus so they had to do a trans vaginal U/S and still had trouble seeing anything. Finally, the tech believed she saw the gestational sac, wasn't sure and then said it measured at 6w 3d. At that point, the tears started. My mom came with me and I held her hand and sobbed quietly. The tech called in a doctor to try and help and they asked if I had fibroid cysts, when did I spot, was there cramping and then left me to talk to my doctor. The doctor wanted me to go to the lab and get my hCG levels tested again and ordered them STAT.

It was very hard not to be angry, to wonder why and know I put all this in God's hands and know everything would be okay. At this point, I knew it would take a miracle. The blood work didn't go well either, she blew out a vein in my arm, then in my wrist and I can barely type let alone work. I called the doctor's office for the results and they came back incomplete. She said they were over 15,000 but no idea how far over as they were still running them at the lab. So I will call in the morning and then go back on Wednesday for more blood work too see if I am doubling. I am praying for a miracle. This pregnancy is a miracle after 2.5 years of trying. It was a miracle my levels went up early on when things looked really bad. I want so badly to believe and trust that God answers prayers. My children pray everyday for this baby. So do my parents and my friends I have met online....I just don't know. I don't know if I have another 2.5 years of fertility left. I can't see good coming from losing this baby. I get angry when I think of the pregnancy forum full of pregnant teens who want to abort their babies. It is at times like this when our faith and trust in God gets pushed to it's limits and we can't see hope nor can we see how God will take the loss of a life and make some good come from it. I see people around me who "get snipped" and have their uterus singed so that God cannot bring about life ever again(this is in my own family). It is just hard.
One glimmer of hope is I found a site of misdiagnosed miscarriages and many had a tilted uterus.
Misdiagnosed Miscarriage
After all the hope and signs I could trust God and leave all my worries about this pregnancy with Him, I just want to hold onto the hope of a miracle. That the U/S was not accurate and that our little one is hiding or somewhere they couldn't see. I need to trust and hope. Really, that's all I wanted. To know God is looking after this little baby of ours and all we needed was faith. The other bad part is having no spiritual direction. Not having a priest I can trust and confide in when life throws something like this your way is a really lonely place to be. I always had that in my life and now I can only pray. Again, hard not to get angry. I will post when I know anything.

God works in such wonderous ways

This morning, over coffee, I read over some of my blogs, followed a link and found a blogger's announcement of a surprise. Castle of the Immaculate: my big surprise
I left a comment, got teary-eyed and somehow, I think my day will be a bit better. I have asked for God to take the desire for more children away if it is not His will and He has not. Not from me nor my family. So I wait, I pray and anticipate an addition to our family some day, whatever day. I need to add this blog. She is truly inspirational!

Castle of the Immaculate