I found this article that sums up some of my odd feelings. Here is a quote I found that describes where I am:
"You have lost your membership in the primary infertility group by attaining the dream (they) still long for. … Yet you feel you do not really belong to the world of the fertile." They call secondary infertility the "loneliest kind," a depressingly apt description.
There is not much on the internet regarding secondary infertility. That doesn't even describe my situation. I have children. I have 3. I lost 4 babies to miscarriage. I haven't been able to achieve pregnancy since 2008. I had to take a break last summer while I went through crazy labs. I am on my second cycle of femara and on CD21, still no ovulation.
I just reached the part of my blog post where I don't know what to say. I pray for all my pregnant friends, in life and blog friends. I don't wish my situation on others, I pray no one has to go through this. I pray that God lead me to answers and where I am to be. I don't know where that is. I need to get to work so I can avoid this part of my life for awhile. I have much to do with my new business, homeschool and keeping the kids busy.
Right now I need some patience so I can wait on God to finish me. Sometimes I need a reminder that He made me this way and in all other aspects of my life, I am actually a very patient person. If I was more patient(and maybe younger), I might be better at this waiting thing.
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