Monday, September 24, 2007

My first ultrasound

I have been on an emotional trip today. I called the doctor's office this morning about the spotting this weekend. They got an appointment with the ultrasound lab and I got in at 1 pm. I was very nervous but took my St. Gerard handkerchief with me and I knew this was in God's hands. They tried first to find it with a belly ultrasound and couldn't. I have a severely tilted uterus so they had to do a trans vaginal U/S and still had trouble seeing anything. Finally, the tech believed she saw the gestational sac, wasn't sure and then said it measured at 6w 3d. At that point, the tears started. My mom came with me and I held her hand and sobbed quietly. The tech called in a doctor to try and help and they asked if I had fibroid cysts, when did I spot, was there cramping and then left me to talk to my doctor. The doctor wanted me to go to the lab and get my hCG levels tested again and ordered them STAT.

It was very hard not to be angry, to wonder why and know I put all this in God's hands and know everything would be okay. At this point, I knew it would take a miracle. The blood work didn't go well either, she blew out a vein in my arm, then in my wrist and I can barely type let alone work. I called the doctor's office for the results and they came back incomplete. She said they were over 15,000 but no idea how far over as they were still running them at the lab. So I will call in the morning and then go back on Wednesday for more blood work too see if I am doubling. I am praying for a miracle. This pregnancy is a miracle after 2.5 years of trying. It was a miracle my levels went up early on when things looked really bad. I want so badly to believe and trust that God answers prayers. My children pray everyday for this baby. So do my parents and my friends I have met online....I just don't know. I don't know if I have another 2.5 years of fertility left. I can't see good coming from losing this baby. I get angry when I think of the pregnancy forum full of pregnant teens who want to abort their babies. It is at times like this when our faith and trust in God gets pushed to it's limits and we can't see hope nor can we see how God will take the loss of a life and make some good come from it. I see people around me who "get snipped" and have their uterus singed so that God cannot bring about life ever again(this is in my own family). It is just hard.
One glimmer of hope is I found a site of misdiagnosed miscarriages and many had a tilted uterus.
Misdiagnosed Miscarriage
After all the hope and signs I could trust God and leave all my worries about this pregnancy with Him, I just want to hold onto the hope of a miracle. That the U/S was not accurate and that our little one is hiding or somewhere they couldn't see. I need to trust and hope. Really, that's all I wanted. To know God is looking after this little baby of ours and all we needed was faith. The other bad part is having no spiritual direction. Not having a priest I can trust and confide in when life throws something like this your way is a really lonely place to be. I always had that in my life and now I can only pray. Again, hard not to get angry. I will post when I know anything.

10 comments:

Tracy said...

I'm sure it has to be so hard and I am praying for you. When our nephew died in a car accident 14 yrs ago when he was 17.. we too didn't feel anything good could come from this and we questioned God, all I know is that God's way's are not always our way's and I myself suffered two miscarriages and I don't know why, but I know that when I get to Heaven.. I will know these answers...God loves you no matter what, hold onto that promise and that love, no matter what, he won't give you more than you can handle.. trust him.. and know we hold you and your family up in our prayers.

Ma Beck said...

Praying for a miracle, dear Thornie.

cordelia said...

will pray for you. i too have been trying for 1.5 years and understand the failing hope and despair...my faith has been stretched almost to the breaking point...i keep thinking of the words of Gabriel to the BVM... "with God nothing is impossible"...i think of Hannah...and of Elizabeth...our time is not God's time...maybe His plan is for you to have that child later in life when he/she will be your only one in the house..."a joy in your old age" never lose hope.

FloridaWife said...

I have been thinking of you ALL DAY! I will pray for a MIRACLE now. I'm so sorry, that you were there in the room sobbing with your mom.

PandaBean said...

Is there maybe anyway you can have someone watch the kids so you can have a little time to yourself to get some solid rest? And don't worry about the pint of ice cream (I always eat at least one when I'm depressed, and can afford it!), it's therapy! :)

Praying for you and yours.
God Bless!

Beth said...

We're praying over here.

Lily said...

Prayers coming, all offered for you today...I have a very bad toothache, lots of suffering being offered on your behalf for a good report on you and the little one. God bless,
~Lily

Mrs. L said...

God Bless you in your suffering! Two things that greatly, greatly helped me during my times of need and my loss, Ask our Lady of Perpetual Help to stay with you. She will never refuse you when asked! BEG for her perpetual help all day. If you had to ask me what prayer or devotion I use in my most desperate times, it is to request our Lady Of Perpetual Help's intercession. A short miracle story about our Lady of Perpetual help.....My Grandfather in Law...way back years ago when him and his wife where trying to have children...their first baby was still born, and after that they had a miscarriage. After the loss of their second little one my grandfather began praying the perpetual help devotion daily....40 years later they have 14 children!! Also, remember the Lord has not abandoned you. He has his arms wrapped around you right now! Allow him to love you through suffering and you will have peace always. I know it is so very, very, very very, hard, I will keep praying for you.

Angela said...

I'm so sorry for what you are going through! St. Gerard got me through my rough pregnancy. You are in my prayers!

a thorn in the pew said...

Thank you for the prayers!