The day after

I had the D&C yesterday morning and it was relatively quiet at the hospital since it was Saturday. I felt an odd numbness and emptiness unlike my last miscarriage. I offered up all the suffering and pain for a very special priest and hope God hears my prayer. The doctor did not remove everything as we had discussed the day prior, he wanted to leave as little scar tissue as possible. Also, I believe we will be able to try sooner this way. The nurse came to us and gave us some pamphlets on coping and a small bag with a seashell. They blessed the baby with holy water using this and gave it to me to keep. Well that made me cry but gave me some relief. Then they asked if I would like to speak to a priest, and so he came afterwards and the dear man was bleeding as he had complications from oral surgery. I spoke briefly to him and he had to leave as he was bleeding badly and was not able to return. Good grief, the suffering I have seen lately. How do non-Catholics cope with such things? I cannot imagine.
When I think of these two babies I have lost, it does help to know they are waiting for me and that I have more reason now, than ever to shape up and do everything I can to get to heaven and my family with me. Yes, I want to be with Christ forever in heaven but I have a part of me already there and that leaves me here, incomplete.
How am I coping? I feel empty and cry and think of ways to do things with my children to show them I appreciate them. I also am determined, with God's help to get healthy, lose weight and get my thyroid situation in check. Whatever I do, I cannot give up my hope. I am beyond sad for not being able to go to Mass again but the cramping is bad enough that I just can't. I thought last night that I could try but its pretty intense. I will offer it up. I have been praying so much for so many things and thanking God for the things I have. My home, my family, etc. I have been blessed and 13 years ago I remember thinking I would be forever single...how far I have come(with God's help).
This event has humbled me, given me something to offer to God and helped me to see how precious life is to me. I worry that I am not crying enough, not grieving enough. I know when my husband goes back to work and the children to school and I am left with my thoughts and solitary work, things will change. I still cannot express my thanks for all who prayed and hoped with me. It has given me strength knowing I am not alone. God bless.