Sunday, September 30, 2007

The day after

I had the D&C yesterday morning and it was relatively quiet at the hospital since it was Saturday. I felt an odd numbness and emptiness unlike my last miscarriage. I offered up all the suffering and pain for a very special priest and hope God hears my prayer. The doctor did not remove everything as we had discussed the day prior, he wanted to leave as little scar tissue as possible. Also, I believe we will be able to try sooner this way. The nurse came to us and gave us some pamphlets on coping and a small bag with a seashell. They blessed the baby with holy water using this and gave it to me to keep. Well that made me cry but gave me some relief. Then they asked if I would like to speak to a priest, and so he came afterwards and the dear man was bleeding as he had complications from oral surgery. I spoke briefly to him and he had to leave as he was bleeding badly and was not able to return. Good grief, the suffering I have seen lately. How do non-Catholics cope with such things? I cannot imagine.
When I think of these two babies I have lost, it does help to know they are waiting for me and that I have more reason now, than ever to shape up and do everything I can to get to heaven and my family with me. Yes, I want to be with Christ forever in heaven but I have a part of me already there and that leaves me here, incomplete.
How am I coping? I feel empty and cry and think of ways to do things with my children to show them I appreciate them. I also am determined, with God's help to get healthy, lose weight and get my thyroid situation in check. Whatever I do, I cannot give up my hope. I am beyond sad for not being able to go to Mass again but the cramping is bad enough that I just can't. I thought last night that I could try but its pretty intense. I will offer it up. I have been praying so much for so many things and thanking God for the things I have. My home, my family, etc. I have been blessed and 13 years ago I remember thinking I would be forever far I have come(with God's help).
This event has humbled me, given me something to offer to God and helped me to see how precious life is to me. I worry that I am not crying enough, not grieving enough. I know when my husband goes back to work and the children to school and I am left with my thoughts and solitary work, things will change. I still cannot express my thanks for all who prayed and hoped with me. It has given me strength knowing I am not alone. God bless.


Laura The Crazy Mama said...

Know that you are never alone in those thoughts. I am right there with you. If you need to, on those bad days, email me! I feel as though I'm going through this with you (all over again) and all of those sad thoughts that I had shoved to the back of my mind are coming fresh again. I am not going to shove them back, for your sake. I'll suffer and work through it so we can do this together. It doesn't help to "deal with the miscarriage" to have a healthy child or two or three afterward, no matter what anyone says. It still hurts to think we never got a chance with those we "lost". You're right to wonder what the heck people without God do when something like that happens. I wonder that all the time.
We have God and our faith, and we have each other.
I'm so sorry for you and your family.
I always say the wrong thing, but I have to tell you this:
In Dec. 2001/Feb 2002 I lost two babies, two months apart.
I got angry with God for a year, threw away the thermometer, started to lose weight and gain peace during Lent that year, and get my thyroid in order...two months later I was pregnant with Niklaus. Hopefully it won't take you as long to get right with Him. All in His time, right?

I'm crying for you. I'm praying for you.

Mrs. L said...

God Bless you in your suffering! We can never know why suffering such as losing a child is necessary, but God knows. But even though we can't know why, we can take the time needed to rest and regain our strength after such suffering. Please do so, and I'm sure God will continue to bless you! Name this child of yours that has already gone to be with the Lord, talk to him often and ask him for prayers. I'm sure our children in Heaven hear our prayers and they must love to hear from us often! I will pray for you and your family tonight.

Tracy said...

I'm so sorry for all you are having to go through.
I have no words of wisdom but I just want you to know that as others have said.. you are not alone.. we are all here and we are praying for you and thinking of you often.

Take care of yourself!!!

a thorn in the pew said...

I'm not mad at God. I was for 10 minutes last Monday. I'm glad your shared Laura because I'm already dealing with the thyroid and hope to get the weight down and just get darn healthy. The clomid and progesterone put serious weight on and it scared me a bit. It is good to know of others who have been through this and really, my age is the only concern I have. I have to trust.

Lily said...

Get some rest and let the Blessed Mother wrap you in her mantle to comfort you.

elena maria vidal said...

You are in my prayers. There are few things more difficult to go through....

swissmiss said...

So sorry to hear about your loss. You and your family are in my prayers. I have a friend who is now just over four months along. She has four babies in Heaven and miss all of them terribly. May you one day find your little ones playing at the feet of Our Lady.

FloridaWife said...

That's nice that the blessed your baby with holy water. May your baby be in complete joy with all of God's angels and saints!

Peace be with you. I know it is not easy, like you were saying, because of your age. I like your new gameplan that you made. I find it helpful in times like this to focus on a new gameplan. Helps me put my focus on something else.

Anonymous said...

Just heard your news..i had 2 miscarriages..i think one was a blighted ovuum..i was afected quite badly with both of them..during the d&c with the last i nearly died & ended up in uterus collapsed on the surgeon..look after yourself & God bless you..