Tuesday, January 18, 2011

I'm back!

So sorry :( I have many of my blog friends on Facebook and I keep up there. Truth be told, the last 2 months have been a blur. My business and homeschool took over the months of November and December. I have also been struggling with my fertility(and lack thereof) plus going through the classes for fostering to adopt. It has been going okay, not great. I started on HCG to help with fertility/hormones. I celebrated another birthday. It was like a funeral and didn't hit me until last night. A women in the fostering class popped off a snide comment about catholics and while three of us compared notes on fertility drugs and side effects, this said woman was making odd remarks on not "speaking baby stuff". I wish I could say it's been a positive experience but I will not make a judgement call this early. We have 7 more meetings to go.

I am a bit dead on the fertility issue. 43 is not fun. Every year I have less hope, more tears and less understanding surrounding me. I want to embrace the thought of adoption. I want to believe God has a plan and these tears are a phase. So many birth announcements, babies and births. I have witnessed miracles. I have not completely lost hope. I'm just in mourning. Is that odd? I don't have anyone here, or close, that understands how it feels or why I am sad. Uhg.

So here is what I am doing. I have femara, 6 pills on CD2. Then on P plus 3 I start the HCG injections. I am on my 2nd cycle with HCG and I will test on P plus 7 to see what the hormones look like. I am also starting another round of the HCG diet back up later this week. I pray, I cry, I avoid the problem, I try to find hope. That's about it.(Maybe you can see why I took a blog break)

I needed to blog after last night's meeting. It was hard. I revealed how we lost 4 babies through miscarriage. I felt alone. I will keep blogging on the fostering/adoption. I know it helps others make a decision. I already feel betting being about to log what I am going through. I pray someday I will be able to look back at how hard this has been and that I got through it. I'm still trying to decide if hope is a good thing or deceitful.


Samantha said...

I think you are awesome. You are one of the strongest blog/facebook people I know :-)
I truly believe you will add to your family. I only gave a few years of trying to conceive before we adopted last year. I still ponder what our own biological children would have looked like, and when strangers tell us how much our kiddos resemble us.. it makes that feeling go away.
In a few years we will probably be adopting again. The classes are tedious and boring, and I do say a LOT of foster/adopt families are not the 'upper crust', because those people can afford to adopt overseas. So, if you can stand to do all of the training with them, console yourself that you won't have to associate yourself with them again.
We never joined the county 'foster/adopt association', but are friends with the president. It was a choice we made to separate ourselves from the 'machine' of county foster politics.
I was only 27 and suffered through about 4 years of fertility meds before I said I could not go through any more to my body and pretty much called it a day on the biological issue. I am inspired that there are women and families out there stronger than I was. I am truly blessed to have gotten to know you!

Tracy said...

Well, this is the first time I've said anything.. we've been foster/adopt parents for three years. We have had one placement in that time for about a week. We are very particular about what age we will take and that is probably why we don't get called often.. we will only take age five and under as our four kids 17, 15, 12 & 7 are totally for doing this but made it very clear they do not want us to foster or adopt a child their own ages and I understand that. I can't have more children (serious health reasons) and I ache with everything in me to have more kids.. so we went down this road and it is not easy and no grantees that you'll even end up being able to adopt.. but at this point in my life.. I've finally given it to God.. is it hard? VERY.. I have friends who are literally pregnant ALL THE TIME and having their 5th & 6th babies and that will never be me... but I have to let it go or I will go crazy and I found myself being so caught up in it that I wasn't even realizing the gift I had in my children and how blessed I am. So, each day I offer it up to God and move forward..maybe God is telling me that this will be it and I need to let go.. so I just give it to him and tell him "thy will be done" and I also ask him to take this longing for more away from me, yes, it would be amazing if we can adopt.. but I just can't live by the phone waiting anymore.. it has caused me to be soooo depressed... one day at a time and constant prayer... one thing I know.. God does have a plan for me and I need to listen and be obedient to his will. I pray that you will have total peace as well.. it is not easy and believe me.. your not alone.. I will offer this up in my prayers for you and ask you to do the same for me.. blessings!!