Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Knock. it. off.
So tonight, I'm busily pumping out orders, sewing away. All of a sudden, it hits me. I don't get to stop doing this, slow down or focus on my family. Ever. Ever is a long time. Ever to me equals 90. So then the water starts, I can't stop crying. I mean I seriously couldn't stop. In just a single moment, our dreams of homeschool bliss, mommy baking in the kitchen, working in the yard, taking the kids to the park, all the stuff other moms get to do, poof. Then I got really angry. I finished my orders, came up to the classroom, logged into some newsie sites to see what I missed and oddly enough, had a moment of pleasure. I decided the old woman who took our family's fortune, her daughter looks a lot like Nancy Pelosi. I felt a bit better. That is just wrong on so many levels but I suppose I am desperate for some comic relief.
So I am having a glass of Cabernet, trying to get my mind off my woes, I'm P+12 and wishing I wasn't weeping because CD1 is near. I actually had to make a to do list because I have so many loose ends, I knew I would forget something. Actually, I even prayed that God would touch the heart of the old woman who ripped us off and make her feel remorseful for stealing from us. She definitely needs prayers for her soul. Stealing is stealing is stealing and I would not want to confront God after that big of a crime/sin. We are talking mortal with a capital M.
So, now I think my best plan would be to keep myself as busy as possible so the tears stay at bay. I would love to carry a baby to term and bring it home to be with us forever, I would love to just be a mom and a wife for once and I would love to find a way to bring peace to our home. So God, if you think any of this might be possible(or if I am asking for too much), let me know. I truly am ready for God to lead me. I just want to have a tiny flower of hope. Somewhere. Anywhere.