Thursday, January 29, 2009

Fertility and miscarriage update

I haven't been in the mood to discuss where things have progressed. First, I received the results from the chromosomal test and I still don't know how I feel. The chromosomes were absolutely normal and female. I cried and got angry. I'm still angry. The chromosomes were perfect. It was me and I feel it could have been prevented. Hormones, extremely low progesterone. I don't want to be told it happened for a reason. That only makes me feel it was my fault. My sin, my lack of perfection, finance, etc(it's all too Calvinistic). I didn't will or cause it. I would have done anything to have met those babies(within the bounds of my faith). I have regret. I didn't do enough, I trusted God so very much and now I'm just angry that I trusted without putting any real medical "reasoning" into the picture. I don't want my journey as a mother to end like this. The pain of loss and blame is tremendous. I want another chance. I want hope. I want to be able to have God lead me again. I don't want to be selfish either. I have prayed so much and so often for God to take away the desire for more children if it will never be. Four babies are gone and it haunts me every day.

I haven't dealt with the loss for awhile, just haven't been in the mood. The spotting has continued, the cramping hasn't fully stopped. I'm reading up tonight on what has happened. I believe that more tissue passed a few weeks ago(around the 4.5 week mark from the D&C). Here is what was on the site I read:
Some tissue was missed during your D&C or natural miscarriage. A bit of placenta clung to the wall of the uterus. It continued to draw a little blood, and the body continued to create very small amounts of pregnancy hormone. Eventually the body realized no baby was there and turned loose of this last bit of tissue. The miscarriage process begins again. Only now will your levels drop to zero and a new cycle begin. You cannot expect a normal period any sooner than four weeks from this, and up to seven weeks could still be normal. Your total wait time from original miscarriage to first period can creep up to nine or ten weeks and still be normal.

So things aren't normal(well according to the above it is). I want to get to a doctor who can help me. I want to get healthy and be able to move on. I still feel pregnant sometimes, have cravings, get dizzy, feel nauseous. Last week I called my OB, he gave me the option(again) of being on the pill. At my age, I don't want to mess with the fertility period I have left in my life. I want to start charting the Creighton method again but nothing is normal and I can't see a sign of a cycle.
So that's where things are hovering.
I'm open to adoption. I'm open to whatever God wants me to do. I don't know what that thing is. I pray that I will know(so I don't miss it). I write what I am going through on this blog to help others. I have gleaned so much from other women online. It is a lonely place. Catholic women share a membership to a private club. Fertility and miscarriage is a different place when you are a Catholic woman. Sometimes the only way to live and be productive is to pretend it doesn't exist. I'm just being honest. Maybe it's denial, I look at it as survival. I need to focus on my family and my business and pray that God helps me to do that. If I need to avoid my pain and this cross, sometimes it is my only weapon. Even if it is only temporary.

7 comments:

Sew said...

I am so sorry you are still dealing with this. My heart plunged when I read two baby girls. I am so sorry.

I am not sure I understand why you are not charting Creighton. It would give you a picture as to what is going on in your body even though things aren't normal. That is my understanding of the beauty of Crieghton. IT sees what the normal world shuts its eyes too. I have also read and heard that charting creighton when pregnant can help prevent miscarriage because it is caught early on. I could be wrong but only relaying what I have learned.

Is there no doctor available to help you? I would assume someone could take you on as a lond distance patient. I would at least give it a try. You can find doctors on onemoresoul.com.

xxoo God give you the strength to continue through the valley of tears...

Beth said...

Oh how sad! I agree... Catholic women share a special "club" so to speak, and especially those who have gone through infertility. I think being Catholic, open to life, and suffering this particular cross is one of the hardest things.... you are in our prayers!

cordelia said...

did you see dr. mattingly (sp)? do you still need another d&c? it can't be good to still have tissue attached to your uterus that causes bleeding.

Mrs. L said...

"Fertility and miscarriage is a different place when you are a Catholic woman.." I cannot agree more!! Losing a child through miscarriage is a unique cross, one that I truly believe is handed out to a lucky few. (Even though it seems impossible to accept this when you a lonely mother going through it all.) I am praying for you that God will send you peace of heart and mind about your children soon! I also have received bad news about my current pregnancy and what helps me while I wait to see what will come is to remember that I may have already gotten this little soul to heaven where it is happy, happier than I could ever make it no matter how much I loved him or her! God Bless you in your suffering!

Kit said...

You remain in my prayers always, dearest Thorn...

tears, hugs, love,
K

FloridaWife said...

I want you to know that I have been specifically praying for YO nearly daily.

God bless.,

Maria Therese said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers! I am so sorry for your pain and suffering. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love,
Maria Therese