A thorn in the pew

Foster/adopt update and a "wth?"

2011-03-10T14:33:00.004-05:00

We had a panel meeting this week for our fostering adopt class. We had a state worker, a foster family, adopted teen, etc. It was good, put me in a place where I had some questions answered and we are now one meeting and 2 home visits away from completion.
Then. Then...CD1....a 23 days cycle. That is my official "wth?". Never had a 23 day anything. Didn't even get my HCG injections post peak and CD1. Boo for CD1. Boo, I say. Haha. At 43 I can say whatever I want about CD1.
So I took my 8 Femara pills...went off my HCG diet, plan on starting back up next week(yeah, I am breaking all the rules) and just dealing best I can. My friends are edging closer to their "birth dates" and I am doing okay. They are in the over-35 crowd and honestly, an inspiration so I am okay. Now if they were 20-somethings and mean to me and insensitive, that's another matter. I know all this....this stuff, this miscarriage, infertility, miscarriage, weight loss, weight gain, loss, friend 1 then 2 then another, then HCG for me, another year older, friends due dates....this stuff, is all for a reason. I just don't know what ha is. I pray that God leads me in the right direction. I also hope that if I should stop hoping, I be lead away so I can move on. But I am still here, desiring family, children, babies, mommydom.

So there it is. In all it's glory. So tonight, a night out with the girls(I hope) and then work on my business, get homeschool grades together and get my Lent on. I need to blog hop and see what he other infertile/MC ladies are up to...

A quick one

2011-02-24T19:26:00.002-05:00

Thank you for commenting on the fostering post awhile back. I am going through a rough patch with the 3 kids, starting them on a new diet(SCD) and not going so well. I don't think I will ever feel really good about my sons' autism. Right now, I'm in a bitter place and that is not good. I am putting too much pressure on myself to make them better, change things, change life and I just can't I know it is our goal to make sure our children have a better life than we do but sometimes, you just can't. It just doesn't work.

While I should be happy for pregnant friends and warmer weather, I'm just feeling really down. I need to find something to hope for, as usual. Maybe I need my sons to stay autistic, to do a better job accepting them and move on with trying to "help them" overcome autism.

I'm mad at the diet, mad at the government, tired of the world becoming autistic yet feeling overwhelmed. I often think that I don't know one person in my life that could handle a week in my shoes. That's not something to be positive about, not really. Unless I think that God trusted me, knew I'd be patient and strong and although I feel alone, most of the time, it has kept me clinging to Christ all these years.

So I will pray this week, decide what to do and move on, if I need to. There has to be another way. I just have to pray that I find it.

I'm back!

2011-01-18T07:34:00.002-05:00

So sorry :( I have many of my blog friends on Facebook and I keep up there. Truth be told, the last 2 months have been a blur. My business and homeschool took over the months of November and December. I have also been struggling with my fertility(and lack thereof) plus going through the classes for fostering to adopt. It has been going okay, not great. I started on HCG to help with fertility/hormones. I celebrated another birthday. It was like a funeral and didn't hit me until last night. A women in the fostering class popped off a snide comment about catholics and while three of us compared notes on fertility drugs and side effects, this said woman was making odd remarks on not "speaking baby stuff". I wish I could say it's been a positive experience but I will not make a judgement call this early. We have 7 more meetings to go.

I am a bit dead on the fertility issue. 43 is not fun. Every year I have less hope, more tears and less understanding surrounding me. I want to embrace the thought of adoption. I want to believe God has a plan and these tears are a phase. So many birth announcements, babies and births. I have witnessed miracles. I have not completely lost hope. I'm just in mourning. Is that odd? I don't have anyone here, or close, that understands how it feels or why I am sad. Uhg.

So here is what I am doing. I have femara, 6 pills on CD2. Then on P plus 3 I start the HCG injections. I am on my 2nd cycle with HCG and I will test on P plus 7 to see what the hormones look like. I am also starting another round of the HCG diet back up later this week. I pray, I cry, I avoid the problem, I try to find hope. That's about it.(Maybe you can see why I took a blog break)

I needed to blog after last night's meeting. It was hard. I revealed how we lost 4 babies through miscarriage. I felt alone. I will keep blogging on the fostering/adoption. I know it helps others make a decision. I already feel betting being about to log what I am going through. I pray someday I will be able to look back at how hard this has been and that I got through it. I'm still trying to decide if hope is a good thing or deceitful.

Infertility and Facebook

2010-11-07T16:43:00.003-05:00

I thought this article was interesting although I do not do this.

Why Your Infertile Friends May Be Hiding You From Their Facebook Feed

It never occur ed to me to block people who are pregnant. Sometimes, it actually helps me to not focus on myself and my infertile/miscarriage history. Anyway...thought it was interesting that this is a "thing" now. I can see where some women may do this to cope.

Starting HCG this cycle(yeah)

2010-11-07T15:19:00.003-05:00

So I am on the HCG diet. Losing weight nicely. Dr. is having me start HCG injection this cycle on P+3. I will keep you posted. For the record I am on Femara, progesterone and estrodiol on P+3-12 and now 10,000iu HCG on P+3.

I'm having funky side pain from the Femara today so I will cut this post short.

Back on HCG

2010-10-26T13:23:00.003-05:00

Back on R2P2 of HCG diet. I'm trying to tell myself this is not forever. I'm not going to say that eating 500 calories a day is fun. Before you scold me(haha), you can read about the HCG called Pounds and Inches by Dr. Simeon. I feel better, this time I am down 15 lbs, but I have the dbl progesterone and estrodial to deal with(oh, and Femara). I'm not starving just thinking about food more than I should and have told myself it is the hormone supplements. I didn't have that last time.

I recommend the HCG diet if you have thyroid issues or adrenal fatigue. I could not successfully lose weight before this diet. I ate less and worked harder than most and either lost 2 lbs in one month or nothing and sometimes even gained. I think it would be awesome for those with PCOS, too.

So I will see where this cycle ends, hoping for a baby, trying not to be anything but a realist regarding this matter. I am 42, I love babies and children and pray for God's Will. I still hope. I've been scolded for "obsessing over my miscarriages/babies/infertility." I am only here to please God and I have asked God to take this desire away if it is never meant to be. That's about it.

Update. My life went crazy

2010-10-04T05:27:00.004-05:00

CD1 came and went. First there was anger and tears(52 days was the official count). Then I decided, at my age, I should be glad I even have a CD1(funny, ok, not really). Then I went through it, life got odd and I landed here.For some crazy reason, my business took off again. Not just an "I sold a few things" back to pre-Obama volume.So I am scrambling trying to keep up with school, get my fall and holiday stuff completed and get these orders out the door.
I've come to the conclusion if I was sitting around sulking and being bummed about things, I would be useless. I'm very busy, didn't see it coming and barely keeping up.
So this morning, I am up early with a "Femara" headache, thinking about fixing a pot of coffee and working before the kids get up.We went to the last Cincinnati Reds game of the season, it was dern cold. Today we are paying for not getting things done as we should. Especially me. This week should be equally frantic, I have school, work, installations, doctor appt. for kids, deadlines and maybe I might sneak in a trip to the apple farm somewhere in there. Mr. Thorn and I are trying to get back on HCG, it's been too long and I miss the feeling better, losing weight and energy I felt.
I'm off to either head back to bed or make coffee.I will pay for getting up early around 3:30 today.

No CD1, limbo is becoming the new norm

2010-09-23T12:44:00.003-05:00

It is CD49. What the stink is going on? Since I am on estradiol and progesterone, I have all these crazy preg. symptoms and my test yesterday was BFN. I didn't take my meds last night. I was mad and frustrated. I think I still am. Very sick to my stomach.
We sent away for a homestudy packet from a local agency and we need to fill it out so we can start. We are starting the ball rolling on fostering to adopt. Scared. Eh, I just need to get it done. Hoping to complete that this weekend. I don't like long to-do lists so I need to stop over-analyzing and just send it in. The thought of a child praying or asking for a family and we are being buttheads and not just "doing it" is bothering me.
So that's my story. Sorry if I am crabby. Myself is not used to this 49 day cycle thing. Femara's fault? Probably. I ate soba noodles and my lips are on fire. How's that for random?

10 Surprising Things

2010-09-15T12:38:00.003-05:00

Ok, here it goes. I am sure this will be all over the place so I suppose you can make fun. I had fun reading everyone's lists.

1. I am an architecture/history buff. I love thinking of buildings in their heyday and pouring over historical event sites. I wanted to be an architect like my grandfather when I was young.

2. I studied directing, acting and eventually costume design in school. I sometimes miss the family spirit of the theater but realize my conservative leanings would have never blossomed in that environment.

3. I obsessed with etiquette and manners. I stopped dating boys after the first date if they had horrid manners(or grooming). Now I just drive my family nuts.

4. I hate northern climates. I mean really hate. Naked trees and grey slushy crap upsets me.

5. I used to break dance and was in a group in high school. I also won a Madonna look-a-like contest during this same time period(dated myself there, huh?) I even had the slight gap in my teeth.

6. I will talk to someone and leave out details that are important because I assume they know(when they have no clue). Hey, I know what I am talking about! Do they really need to know? Haha.

7. I love old school country music. I love artists that invoke the original charm of country music without getting into the pop/rock realm.

8. I live with post it notes, to-do lists, white board charts and forced organizational aids. I have to know what is on the horizon always.

9. I love scotch.

10. I was almost cast in the movies "A League of Their Own" and "Dogfight". I was called back but would have had to take a semester off school. The other movie they called me for final casting while I was away for Thanksgiving break.

CD 41??? Serious-leelly?

2010-09-15T12:25:00.003-05:00

Yes, you read that right. And I will probably go to CD 52+ since my peak day was on CD39. Never happened to me. I had one false alarm(or double peak) this cycle. I am hanging in there. I hope something happens with my P+7 labs that makes me look all right/human.
We started school today. I had to wait to get the curriculum and it showed up yesterday so we did a mini day today. We are using Seton this year and hope the combination of lesson plans and then grading the more intense items will help us.

Another item on the horizon is that we are going through the home study process with a local agency. We haven't filled out the paperwork yet but it is here and we are going to do it. It is involved in some aspects. I am hoping they will not make us vaccinate to get approved. Eh, I will do what I can. We are hoping to go the "foster to adopt" route. I will post more when we get over the first hurdle.

One of my pregnant friends went to the hospital yesterday and 34.5 weeks, her water broke and I haven't heard from her since. Keep her and the baby in your prayers. She lives far away and the family probably didn't think to contact me(don't know my phone number).

Update on the cycle news...

2010-09-01T18:37:00.002-05:00

Okay, doc called, had the wrong number(yeah, I'm not a crazy hormone magnet). Doc wants me to continue using the OPK(going to get a diff brand tonight, Answer brand is too sensitive). I'm to start taking the estrodiol and prometrium 3 days after my last pos OPK reading. Then if not new "CD1", we are setting up an appt to see my charts and see what we can tweak.
Reds are playing tonight so I plan on keeping my mind of my baby maker woes. I need to plunge into work tomorrow.
Thank you, Lord, for bearing with my freak-out moments. I am humbled by how you look after me and reassure me.

This is what it feels like...

2010-09-01T16:54:00.004-05:00

When you are over 40, have recurrent miscarriage and are trying to reach your doctor...he never calls. This is what it feels like when the world gives up on you(rephrase that...you *feel* that it has given up on you). Too old, close to menopause, too much trouble. Whatever the reason, it hurts. I called(as per my doctor's instructions) Tuesday morning, 9am. Wednesday night, three phone calls later, he never called back. Office closed for the day. CD26, no CM this cycle, 3 days of positive OPK's. This was after I told God "I'm doing everything I can, this is in Your hands".
Stupid femara. I'm not living well with this anxiety. How do you know what to do when your doctor doesn't return phone calls? I am a fairly easy going patient, not demanding or panicky. I'm only following up because he told me too. I can't start estrodial or prometrium with no CM or labs.
This is going to be a long night.

An important service announcement

2010-08-26T22:18:00.002-05:00

Here is my quote for the night:

Sometimes the answer isn't no; it's just not right now

How is that for some "hope and change"?

I'm trying here, people! haha

An article to decribe my difficult position

2010-08-26T10:31:00.004-05:00

Secondary Infertility - When you can't conceive again

I found this article that sums up some of my odd feelings. Here is a quote I found that describes where I am:

"You have lost your membership in the primary infertility group by attaining the dream (they) still long for. … Yet you feel you do not really belong to the world of the fertile." They call secondary infertility the "loneliest kind," a depressingly apt description.

There is not much on the internet regarding secondary infertility. That doesn't even describe my situation. I have children. I have 3. I lost 4 babies to miscarriage. I haven't been able to achieve pregnancy since 2008. I had to take a break last summer while I went through crazy labs. I am on my second cycle of femara and on CD21, still no ovulation.
I just reached the part of my blog post where I don't know what to say. I pray for all my pregnant friends, in life and blog friends. I don't wish my situation on others, I pray no one has to go through this. I pray that God lead me to answers and where I am to be. I don't know where that is. I need to get to work so I can avoid this part of my life for awhile. I have much to do with my new business, homeschool and keeping the kids busy.
Right now I need some patience so I can wait on God to finish me. Sometimes I need a reminder that He made me this way and in all other aspects of my life, I am actually a very patient person. If I was more patient(and maybe younger), I might be better at this waiting thing.

No "O" for me

2010-08-24T18:08:00.002-05:00

Labs back. No peak. My prog was .5. CD19 and I got nada. After a google search, this seems to happen on femara....late peak. So I will keep using the OPK and waiting for CM to appear. I have always believed that a late peak meant little or no chance of a pregnancy. Yeah, I'm jaded like that.
So now I will wait and pray and know that this cycle is not the end or forever. Getting older is getting harder. I'm trying to be patient, Lord.

Back from vacation and Femara crazies!

2010-08-24T08:03:00.002-05:00

We took an extra long vacation and I just noticed I didn't blog while away(I should have). I am on my second cycle of Femara and it's one bizarre drug. I had a 5 day cycle(on vacation, weh) and then spotted "pink" from days 7-11. No CM...at all. No idea where I am, dr. sent me to lab last night, I'm thinking peak was way early. I am not having any bizarre symptoms but I am also not on my usual prometrium/estrodial. More people I know are pregnant. Again. I broke down the day before we left Florida and cried, a lot. I prayed for so many, to achieve pregnancy, for troubled pregnancies, adoptions. I felt selfish, guilty and kinda rotten. In the end, I had to decide if these pregnant friends and people all around me are there as torture and a cruel joke or to give me hope. God is not one to play tricks or mind games. I have prayed so many times for our desire for another child to be taken away if it is never meant to be. So now I am stuck with hope. I know few if any understand why I would want more children, with the repeated miscarriage and the chance of having yet another with autism. I can't explain the hope for life and children. It doesn't make sense but it is there and it's strong.

The vacation was good, stressful in some ways but it was a nice trip. My autistic boys need to be entertained constantly so that gets frantic after a bit. The kids wanted to go fishing in the bay which was right out our door but it was very hot and the thought of having to take barracuda off a hook with nasty teeth didn't appeal to me.
We are having to start homeschool late. We went with Seton this year and the special services dept must be overly busy now so we can't get an appointment until 9/9. I think we will go ahead and start their math early since we know what we are doing there. I need coffee. I can't believe I blogged before coffee.

Update on labs, homeschool

2010-07-30T16:12:00.002-05:00

I had to go in for P+7 labs this week....yuck. Progesterone was good, 12.8. Estrodiol was only 35, quite pathetic. He is putting me on help for that and I'm staying on Femara and 400mg of prometrium. I'm trying, Lord. I don't want to lose hope, I have lost so much in the last few years I need to stay strong and believe God is working. We are taking a much needed vacation this coming month and I hope to clear my head then. We are starting Seton after labor day, rushing to get our CAT tests in before we leave town. Maybe we will find a shrine to visit on the Gulf to thank the Blessed Mother for all we do have in our lives.
I will update more later. Cod and perogies in the oven.

Plans and side effects. Yeah, like that.

2010-07-15T08:06:00.002-05:00

I am CD7 and my weight is bouncing around quite a bit, wondering if it is stress, the femara or salt/water whatever. I don't know. We planned our vacation and we are staying in the Gulf, not the messy part and honestly, I was not apposed to that, the people there just didn't return my phone call(Gulf Shores). We need to get away and we are being budget-friendly doing so. It will be hot, I'm sure so we will be in the pool a lot.
The phase of my diet is going okay, could be better. I read some people gain on femara but I did a one day dose thing so I can't see that is affecting my weight. I don't think I am drinking enough water, honestly. Today I hope to do that a load up on protein to see what happens. I want to be stable before our trip. I don't want the whole trip to be about what I am eating or not. My appetite has changed and that is a beautiful thing.
I am in a mess over homeschool. I was really disappointed with the curriculum we used this year. I loved the classical aspect of the books and lessons but their customer support is a hot mess. A waste of money, in my opinion. They rarely answered the phone, took a week or more answering emails...not what I paid for. We really had problems tackling the creative writing this year and instead of helping us, the advisor got all vague and moved on. So we need a new plan. I need to settle this and work on it before we leave. I am planning on doing the kids standardized tests next week. We are looking at Seton but I will miss teaching the classical elements that the kids loved like mythology, Latin and (we were preparing for) Roman history. The grammar and math programs were good too. The lesson plans and organization aspect got the best of me this year. I know the kids are much stronger in language, math, history....it's writing they all struggled in trying to find a solid understanding. The schools they attended prior to homeschool just ignored creative writing. Period. That left it all on me.
So I will get through. In the meantime, we hope the new plan for achieving pregnancy(and staying pregnant) will work. I have another friend who is pregnant and it gives me hope that God will hear our prayer. I don't feel old. I feel younger than I have in years after losing weight and getting my blood pressure to 120/80(last week). I have lost much more than 10% of my body weight, all good. So I ready to go where God leads me. I just have no idea where that will be.

Another quick update

2010-07-09T22:22:00.003-05:00

Starting a new med. Fermara. 20mg CD2. I hope my ovaries don't explode. Just took them down with tea so I will keep you posted(my meds, not my ovaries). I read some other NaPro women did fab with this and my insurance covered it(since they have to, a breast cancer drug). Anyone conceive with this? I am getting labs on P+7 and if prog. level icky, he is bumping me up to 600mg(yow). Yeah, that's serious hormones. So I may check in tomorrow or over the weekend to let you know if I went nuts in the middle of the night after 20mg.
I also read women report 10 days to 2 weeks of fertile CM with this crazy method. I can't help but giggle about that....now. Will update later.

HCG Protocol and update

2010-07-03T18:23:00.002-05:00

Eesh....been almost a month. Sorry about that. A quick update as we are preparing for 4th of July here tomorrow. My total loss during R1P2 of HCG was 40 lbs.
I am now on a similar plan to Atkins to stabalize my weight. Then we will start adding back in healthy grains, etc. in a few weeks then vacation. I will be going to the doctor this week and hope to get some help with luteal phase and ovulation. I will keep you posted.
Sorry so short. Much to do and cleaning out all the clothes that are too big. Hope everyone has a safe 4th of July!

Starting on a new me

2010-06-07T07:57:00.005-05:00

I have been very busy trying to wrap up the end of the school year with the kids and really focus on my business. I also took my health into my own hands since no doctor has been willing to take the time and diagnose me(running lab after lab is not my idea of good medicine). I have been on the HCG Protocol Diet for 3 weeks and have lost 27 lbs. I have a lot more to lose but I have hope that I will get there. I prayed so hard for health and being able to successfully carry a child to term and I hope I am on that path. Before you jump on me about how unhealthy this is, google and read the success others have had. I looked into this for almost a year before starting. I am down a full size in clothes and can run up and down the steps and more since losing the weight. I was never diagnosed with PCOS but I did feel my age and weight were keeping me from success.
Now, the downside. I have what they call the "HCG Rash"...when you lose, it opens the fat cells and releases whatever toxins and fluids are in there. That goes to the bloodstream, hence the rash. I told Mr. Thorn to just call me Polka Dot. Hopefully it will leave quickly. Until then, I need to take it as a sign the protocol is working. The other bad thing is I have had to discontinue my progesterone at P+3 because it contains oil which will make me gain weight. I'm not sure how long I will stay on this round. I was hoping to lose about 40-45 lbs the first round so we will see. I recommend anyone who has struggled with early plateaus or little to no weight loss after much struggle to do this.
So, unlike the raw diet(which I liked a lot, to be honest), I stopped menses and it scared me so I had to quit. That is not the case with this and I have read accounts of many women who couldn't conceive until they used this protocol. I prayed to hard for this to be another dead end. I will keep you posted on my results.

Oh, also, I did some research on "Estrogen dominance" and the findings are shocking. Many men and women develop auto immune disorders and have serious fertility issues and the main culprit is COFFEE. Uhg. I ordered a substitute from Amazon, hopefully be here tomorrow. Coffee was getting me through this diet and now its gone. Yes, I was an addict. I will live. Yes, I have a headache...lol.

Confirmation Covington style

2010-05-24T13:30:00.003-05:00

I was asked to be the sponsor for confirmation yesterday and happily accepted. It is such an odd thing when you mix tradition and aesthetics of liturgy with modern style and fads and then produce a homily telling the congregation not to give into the world and modernism. Irony, I suppose. It was a blending of chant with gospel(seriously), reverent boy servers with girls that(sorry for the reference) reminded me of Jedi fighters(their mode of dress) and although we had 4 priests and one deacon, the cup parade was brought out at communion as reminder that "we are all one". Eh. While I can say it was no where near as dreadful as the first communion of a few weeks past, it was odd in the mix of orthodoxy and protestant "inclusionism"(if that makes sense). Not everyone needs to be on the altar. It is not a right. Just as I don't want a priest running my business and, God forbid, sewing for me or doing my taxes, I also believe it is not our call as laypeople, to do the job a bishop or priest is called to do. You don't need to have a cup, serve to prove a point(or because you can), etc. I would love to see a "no, you are a girl/woman, I need to encourage the boys to serve and here is why..." in our diocese. See it without the priest getting a wrist slap, that is. Can you imagine the vocations we could have in Covington with implementing all boy servers in each parish? If people are taught the truth and girls are given another job or club in a parish, it could foster so much more.

On the girl servers:

In July 2001, the Holy See’s Congregation for Divine Worship issued a response to a bishop’s question (dubium) concerning the possible admission of girls and women as altar servers. The response, a further explanation of the Circular Letter to the Presidents of Episcopal Conference, March 15, 1994, no. 2, that granted permission for bishops to admit female altar servers, made it clear that only a diocesan bishop may decide whether to permit female servers in his diocese; furthermore, that no priest is obliged to have female servers, even in dioceses where this is permitted. The letter stressed that no one has a “right” to serve at the altar, and also strongly reaffirmed that altar boys should be encouraged

More female server info
On the mix of chant and full out gospel song that was performed after communion...no clue. That choir is so good and strong, I just don't get it. It is weird unless, they felt the need to get with the times(which was the whole point of the homily).

All in all, it was good to see at least a semblance of orthodoxy in the diocese. Being a pontifical Mass, I would be shocked to see the rave/club/puppet show environment we experienced at the first communion. Thankfully, I was not shocked.

Kentucky Politics after a needed break

2010-05-24T13:03:00.002-05:00

I took quite a bit to post after the primary. I needed a break from it since it was emotional and frustrating. Most of my fears are now being realized as the truth about Rand Paul comes to the surface. The man who ran as a conservative republican is now surfacing as a radical libertarian(as I have known for months). I let go of the arguments, the ignorant assumptions and the loss of friends(who thought I was the one that was nuts.) I have moved on knowing that I will either be writing-in in November or hoping that the KY GOP wakes up, flexes their political muscle and gets rid of Paul.
I no longer consider myself as part of the tea party. They are not founded in principal or values. They only represent fiscal responsibility and as our Kentucky primary has shown, people are willing to forgo all conservative social principals in exchange for a rogue eye doctor who ran as a republican and is now being outed as a libertarian. I will not have a part in that. His life stance, ever evolving, is purely libertarian and to believe otherwise is disingenuous.
I have lots of "dirt" on Rand Paul. Some of it has been scrubbed from the internet after the primary(or after Maddow's show, I should say). The generalized problem with libertarian thought is that it teeters on anarchy. I doubt the GOP will be able to rebrand Paul and Adams after all the skeletons in the past.
For the record, Conway, his opponent, is pro-abort, pro-cap n' trade, pro-ObamaCare among other things. I get that, don't point it out to me.
I knew the democrats were sharpening their teeth waiting to sink into Paul quickly and forcefully. And they though Grayson ran a negative campaign? He was trying to save us from this schlock.
I will sit back and see what transpires. I don't have an iron in this fire now so I can be less emotional regarding the outcome. You can't answer the radical that is Obama with another, being Rand Paul. There are those of us in the middle that realize you are all nuts and you won't change our minds. I believe you need to have a generous serving of social conservatism or you won't get my nod. I know many who feel that way. You can't win elections without social conservatives.

Pro-life Kentucky and the domino endorsement syndrome

2010-05-11T14:08:00.006-05:00

I have put off posting because this primary has become farcical to me. For some reason, the great people of Kentucky believe this race is something so completely new and wonderful, unlike anything they have ever witnessed. It is 2008 part deux. Obama ran his campaign as a moderate, gave hints of his "redistribution of wealth" but played it clean and smooth. No one wanted us to look at his pastor, his Chicago "friends", his Acorn associates and union ties. Now we have this radical overhaul of life as we know it unfolding and everyone is scratching their heads.
Speed forward to KY, 2010. Rand Paul, who helped his father Ron in past elections, has close ties with friends in Code Pink, anti-war activists, conspiracy theorist Alex Jones, The Liberty Movement and too many others to list here. Rand Paul is "running" as a conservative republican.
Because the damage done by two so-called pro-life groups, Concerned Women for America and NKRTL, he waves those as banners that he is pro-life. Paul has never worked for a pro-life group, a pregnancy center, a women's crisis center or voted on any pro-life legislation. Do these pro-life groups only go by the answers on their surveys? Must be. Paul has a history of flip-flopping on partial birth abortion and has a quote in the news that he supports the morning after pill. So you endorse him anyway and lead thousands of good Christians astray? Or produce a 24 page explanation of why you endorsed him. If you were so sure of the endorsement, NKRTL, you wouldn't need to explain in the newsletter, then again on the website. If you were truly worried about the lives of the unborn, you wouldn't be working so hard to discredit Kentucky Right to Life Association and their endorsements. They have different criteria and they do research and have a larger voting body to manage the checks and balances of candidates. You wouldn't be working so hard to "prove" you were right. And for the CWA, stalwarts of no exceptions for using the morning after pill, why would you endorse a man who supports this method of killing children? Maybe it's all about money, for both groups. I see no other logical explanation for these 2 endorsements.
If anyone watched the debate on KET last night, Paul is avoiding the abortion issue and going vague(again) because the more he talks, the more he has to cover his tracks. The latest was a nasty letter I received that appeared to have come from a "friend" of Grayson which turned out to be from Bernie Kunkel/Friends of Rand Paul with a Virginia presort stamp on it. After looking into it, "Bernie" cropped photos together of Trey and various democrats to make it appear they are all friends. Misleading and intellectually dishonest, is it not? Kunkel contributes to NKRTL and his employer, Bavarian Waste, is a large donor to the Paul campaign. The kicker was his use of Grayson's wife and children in this mailer, to lie about their involvement in a "clean parks" campaign in Boone County. The wording made it seem like they were in scandal. I was shocked. As far as I know, this mailer blanketed Northern Kentucky. And Paul had the nerve in the KET debate to call Grayson a liar. Telling people what you believe on issues and reiterating what was spoken by you which anyone can hear online in videos is not lying. Paul does not want people to find out that his abortion page has been scrubbed and re-worded 3 times(or more). The same with the page on the Patriot Act, the Gitmo page and others. He changes it to get more votes and "broaden his message". If you want to hide your libertarian roots, Dr. Paul, your disdain for the 14th amendment, go ahead. You may just win the primary doing this. It worked for Obama, right? Why wouldn't it work for you? Even the Daily Kos is predicting he will lose the general election. I wholeheartedly agree. I do have proof of the mailer from yesterday, the scrubbed abortion page on rand2010 and can back up everything here. That is healthy debate, based on research and multiple sources. The lies, the smears, the cover-ups will be democratic fodder that will go on for months. Then what?
I'm shocked how many people are not willing to research for themselves and go on ANY endorsement as a reason to vote for someone. I have met many. Stop trusting people who are playing political chess with money and favors and look up these things for yourself. I, myself, refuse to be anyone's lemming.

Liturgical abuse and sacrilege for everyone!

2010-05-01T18:24:00.005-05:00

We attended a first communion today at a parish in the diocese of Covington and I have to say, I have never seen(and I have seen much) so many abuses, disrespect and offense shown to our Lord in all my life. During the homily, the priest actually had a huge cardboard heart cut out that he popped out and the packed house broke out in laughter. Multiple times people applauded for ignorant things that were meaningless. It was standing room only and we spent the Mass in the vestibule, unfortunately. There were windows so we could see the entire side show from where we stood. The Mass started with the boy first communicants lined up next to us and a little boy with down syndrome was being made fun of and eventually had enough, and a fight broke out. The boy at the end of the line was making fart armpit noises and dumping hand sanitizer all over the floor and sliding on it. Yeah, it was very reverent. I suppose it can go straight to the top as the priest had a huge performance in the sanctuary for the entire Mass. I would say 70% of the Mass was ad-libbed. My mother was inside the body of the church and I know it had to be harder for her, she could see and hear everything. She said that was by far the worse Mass ever and she has been present with dancing nuns(so that says a lot).
I apologize for this post. One thing to come out of this...I love my church, the gift of the traditional Mass and am so incredibly thankful to have such a reverent liturgy. No one that has this available should take it for granted, period. I am also convinced that every last parish in Covington has fallen into this muck we experienced today(to varying degrees but it has become the norm). When the new missal arrives, I hope the bishop takes this as an opportunity to whip this diocese back into shape. I was appalled. I was shocked and sad that the diocese I grew up in and that gave me my first sacraments has fallen into a malaise of disrespect and hatred toward our Lord. Did I say it was awful?
My kids did their best to stay quiet and solemn but it was the loudest and most raucous thing I have ever been through(okay, maybe the AC/DC concert of my youth was a bit louder). My dad, who was a strict baptist growing up said they had more reverence in his tiny baptist church than was found in that parish today. That is saying something.
If you have a reverent, respectful church with proper music and a sound liturgy, treasure it and thank God for such a blessing. You don't realize how awesome and blessed you are to have this available. May the day come, in our lifetime, that the Lord is revered, adored and loved with the utmost care on every altar. Until then, pray that we have the courage and fortitude to change the abuses and sacrilege that occurs against our dearest Lord everyday throughout the world. I love you dear Jesus and I am so sorry.

Reverence for the Eucharist is never dispensable, even in a child, even in danger of death.
A sense of the sacred, a sense of reverence, is due not only to the Eucharist, but to other persons too, and to places and things. I am always struck by a renewed sense of the sacred during the rite of dedicating a new church by which it becomes sacred, a sacred place, set aside exclusively and perpetually for the worship of God. It makes me conscious again of "the reverence due to the house of God" (CCL 562) and the reverential silence we keep in church in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament.

(From A PASTORAL LETTER ON REVERENCE FOR THE EUCHARIST
Bishop John R. Keating, 1988)

Will the real Rand Paul please stand up...

2010-05-01T09:23:00.005-05:00

Much of my attention has been devoted to local politics lately. Today is no exception. I wanted to make sure I wasn't posting from my emotions so I waited until most of the coverage and press died down from the KRLA vs. Rand Paul/David Adams saga. Those in the state of Kentucky and beyond may have received word that Rand Paul, running for senate, has been caught lying about his pro-life credentials. He faxed over an incomplete questionnaire in February to Kentucky Right to Life Association. He left the question blank that asks the question regarding stem cell research and cloning. PDF here This would have been a non-issue if Paul wasn't sending out campaign materials claiming he filled it out 100% pro-life. This has now made national news. This is not about being 100% pro-life or not. This is about can we trust a candidate that can't admit the truth, that he doesn't believe in a national stem cell ban or that he made a mistake. Instead, he goes about spreading lies about KRLA thinking he has no accountability. David Adams, his manager, has even went so far as to call for Paul supporters to dig and investigate further any lead possible into anything questionable that his opponent, Trey Grayson, might be framed for(I suppose to take the focus off this).
Here are a few links for more information on this:
Dan Riehl
David Horowitz's Newsreal Blog
Cincinnati.com

I feel Dr. Paul is not the man he is presenting to Kentucky voters. He is being disingenuous by not being forthright about his libertarian views on abortion, the 14th amendment, what he said prior to seeking office and so much more. He hasn't brought up his support for Adam Kokesh, radical ex-marine who sympathizes with Code Pink and tells our soldiers to leave battle and protests anything war related. Paul has big supporters in the white supremacist movement and followers of Alex Jones. It is shocking to me that Kentuckians can't research such things on their own. If they are that desperate to change Washington, so we really want a radical replacing what we currently have?
In the end, this does not bode well for Northern KY Right to life, who not only endorsed Rand Paul but called him in for special questioning. Was he honest on their questionnaire? What was the real purpose of the questioning? Did the committee at NKRTL take everything he said at face value without researching his comments pre-circa May 2009 were apposed to his answers on the questionnaire? He has been caught in a lie that has statewide repercussions and is now a case of honesty and integrity, not even his pro-life stance. Can KY voters believe anything he says when he has tried so hard to prove KRLA wrong? If you are, as you say, Dr. Paul, 100% pro-life, why would you want an organization such as KRLA to be drug through the mud and ruin their reputation with your lie when they have done so much good at saving the lives of countless babies? How does that benefit you or them? He even put the form he "meant to send" on his website. This is after the fact and after he calls them liars. The whole thing is bizarre and to be honest, I didn't even think he would go to such lengths to prove a point that has been shown to be a lie in multiple news outlets.
So we have a few weeks before the primary here in Kentucky. I pray we make the right choice. If Rand Paul makes it though the primaries, I believe the democrat nominee and their minions will have Rand Paul's question of honesty and radical ideas for lunch. It has not made national news that is this scenario comes to fruition, the GOP seat in KY is greatly at risk this November.

KRLA and the non- Rand Paul endorsement scandal

2010-04-23T08:51:00.006-05:00

I took a break from this political drama in the last two days. This is getting more upsetting to me and hits me to the core. It offends me as a mother, a catholic, a pro-lifer, an American and most importantly, a Kentuckian. A fellow Kentucky blogger has investigated this matter and an AP press release shows that Rand Paul doctored(from his original faxed and mailed copy) the questionnaire to KRLA(Kentucky Right to Life Association). The question is not even what his beliefs are in regards to abortion. I have discussed these before and I am dead set against his brand of life legislation. Do I trust a man who would leave a question blank, then put in writing that he received a 100% rating from KRLA(when in fact he did not) and try to cover up his indiscretion with a smear campaign against KRLA, a well respected pro-life organization in Kentucky. I have to include the facts presented by Graas, who said it well(regarding why Paul was not endorsed by KRLA):

Further, he wouldn't have been endorsed even if he filled it all out because (1) he's never served in political office, (2) he's never been active in the pro-life movement though he's traveled the country giving speeches on war and fiscal issues, (3) his opponent has served in office with character, (4) his opponent has served on the board of a crisis pregnancy center, (5) his opponent was endorsed in the past, (6) he's made public statements saying he is unclear on whether he would vote to keep the Partial Birth Abortion Ban and (6) he's promoted the morning after pill as a positive good for society.

This story has been covered in C-J.com, lifenews.com, USA Today and cincinnati.com. This is not a minor issue. It is a game changer, or should be if you are concerned about someone being honest and the lives of the unborn.
I'm not going to elaborate anymore on this issue. It is most important to those in KY because our commonwealth is being taken by this fraudster who will do and say anything to get elected. He even masks it by a statement on Israel yesterday(while his father voted last night against sanctions against Iran...kack)
Okay, I'm worn out. I will keep praying that those in KY, the state I love, will wise up and learn the truth about this man. He is not who he pretends to be. I hope they learn quickly.

NKRTL and Rand Paul endorsement nonsense

2010-04-21T09:03:00.005-05:00

I have been following different outlets on the so-called pro life endorsement of Rand Paul. There are troubling "connect-the-dots" events that override this endorsement. I am a firm believer that they should have left well enough alone, singly endorsed the true pro life candidate Buckmaster(D) and let this go. When, in the history of NKRTL did they have to call a candidate in for questions and a sit down? A Kentucky blogger has tied the some of the money trail to a company in NKY that also donates to NKRTL. The "family" also has a bit of cross pollination going on with campaigns.

"He’ll also speak at a fundraiser for Rick Brueggemann, who’s running for Boone/Gallatin District Court Judge in the May 18 primary."

So you can connect the dots and look at the landscape and come to your own conclusions. I'm not saying you cannot have candidates support each others campaigns but I have felt this NKRTL endorsement is far from typical. It is dangerous and as Graas has surmised, even Judie Brown has recently stated the Paul brand of support for the cause is "pro-abortion", allowing the federal government to call the unborn "persons" but then states can allow them to be killed anyway. This would also allow for more widespread late term abortions.
This talk in Cothran's article of "allegations" is unfounded. There are actual quotes of Rand Paul's that can be found online, which I have put here(on this blog) of his questionable stance on life issues(not to mention gay marriage, etc.) An allegation is a claim or accusation. Rand Paul's own words in print to media outlets prove his stance on the life issues.
I have talked with the diocesan Pro-Life Commission and they are even taken aback by the behavior of NKRTL and they are worried because the confusion still exists that NKRTL is part of the Diocese of Covington. They have reason to worry. This PAC organization has definitely gone rogue and it is a blessing that our bishop had the discernment to distance NKRTL from the people in the pews. As a local catholic, I am feeling the fallout from this mess. Do you know that people are unaware of any other candidate because the blindly trust NKRTL's endorsement? To be honest, their endorsements have never been questionable to me in the past. This is truly a departure from the way they have operated in prior election cycles.
If you have any questions regarding Paul's dangerous stance on the lives of the unborn, you can find his quotes on social issues, partial birth abortion ban, Plan B, the falsely termed "states rights" argument for the unborn and more.
Anyone can answer the NKRTL and give 100% pro life responses. Are they genuine? Are they truthful? Does NKRTL really want to take a new direction on the life issue and align with the Ron/Rand Paul brand and dismiss Judie Brown of ALL, who has been a guest at their pro life events? Again, should have endorsed Buckmaster and stayed out of the rest.

NKRTL and Kentucky politics

2010-04-14T19:40:00.006-05:00

So life on the political front is not well. Being involved in the dirty side of politics is not interesting or fun. I have been corresponding with the people at Northern Kentucky Right to Life which has been frustrating and worthless. Here's the bottom line; if you are going to give candidates questionnaires to fill out, make sure they are sort of being honest. When someone says they will not spend public money on abortion related issues, how is it okay if they support the use of Plan B? So it's okay as long as tax payer money is not funding it? That makes a candidate pro life now? Rand Paul says he "probably" would have voted for a partial birth abortion ban, that the morning after pill works most of the time and he has outrageous views on the fourteenth amendment. But he still got a pass from NKRTL. Now my question is, why not endorse the democratic candidate, conservative catholic, Buckmaster? He received a 100% on the questionnaire. Don't endorse a republican. They had to publish an explanation that said "Grayson made allegations". Um, it's more than that. These are Rand Paul's words. These aren't allegations, these are actual quotes. It's as if they wanted to endorse Rand Paul and looked for a way to make that happen.
So that is why I am growing tired of politics. Endorsements, pay offs, riding on coattails, it is all a dangerous game. I am more a conservative now than I ever was before. I have seen how everyone wants to ride the tea party and use it for their own benefit. It should belong to the people. Just as the constitution, the government and our freedoms belong to us, we the people. They are not yours to take, they are God-given. Jim Bunning, another huge let down. Sarah Palin, stay out of our state. I don't want to have to live with your mistake. Stop letting the libertarians of the nation in the conservative movement, they are not conservative. They know the time is ripe to waltz in and play the game and dig in to do what they want. They are opportunists. Kentucky is not a libertarian state, why do you think the man had to switch affiliations before running? Exactly how much more deceitful do you have to get? He supported his father and his father's politics his whole life now -poof- he's a republican AND conservative? Kentucky....are you awake? Did you drink the koolaid? Yes, I'm miffed and fed up. Bunning, you are either unhinged or drank some libertarian koolaid. He is the opposite of everything you have stood for. Meh. I'm done.

Prayer Buddy Revealed

2010-04-05T07:56:00.005-05:00

So I waited until today to reveal my prayer buddy. I have a package to send out and I wanted to send it last week but wanted to get to a special shop in town before sending. So I have collected my items, prayed like the dickens and hope I can continue for God to bless her.
My prayer buddy is the misfit. I wanted to keep her real name private, like me, she may have reason. I offered many sufferings and prayers and rosaries and hope that God answers her prayers. I will be sending her package out and while it was hard not to take away pain, I prayed more and cried more in hopes that her burden would be lifted.
I was happy to see her love of vintage decor, etc. as this is my background in my "earlier career" which led me to the designer I am now. I love toile, chenille, shabby decor and anything eclectic and different.
Easter was nice. We went to the traditional Mass yesterday, the reading of the passion on Friday and Holy Thursday Mass at our parish. We were not able to get to stations on Friday night because it took so long to get into Cincinnati with all the holiday traffic. We spent a bit of time with friends and family yesterday and all was good. This Lent was tumultuous but if that is what God needs from me, to get me to His Kingdom, then I will go and follow. Losing an inheritance is a game changer. It will change the way we live, it may keep me from homeschooling, I may have to go back to my college days and wait tables, I don't know yet. I want to fight for what is ours but the other siblings of my husband's are doing nothing and he was not my grandfather. I don't want to live with the regret we did nothing.
I am trying to find positives and be happy for all the baby announcements and births around me. Don't fault me or think I am being a whiner, I am being honest. I know my situation is different. I have three live children, I lost 4 to miscarriage and at my age, don't know if I will ever conceive or carry a child to term again. I now pray for God's will and hope that I can provide a sibling for my "typical" daughter who is the only one without autism. I see her pain and loneliness everyday and I offer it up to God for all the intentions I can. So, I will stay on my unique path. I will continue to pray for my IF catholic blogger friends, like I do everyday and hope in the end we all find God's will in our tears.
On a happy note, feel free to run around and hit the men in your life with a pussy willow branch today. When we lived in Buffalo, we learned of this wierd custom on Easter Monday. Yes, it's Śmigus-Dyngus Day! Everybody party!

Holy Week, Prayer Buddy wrap up

2010-03-31T14:21:00.004-05:00

Just a quick post. I have been very busy with school and my progesterone levels being super nuts have made me tired and dizzy most days. I peaked on CD11??? Wha?? That's odd. I don't read any symptoms anymore because it stresses me out and I get frustrated.
I have kept my lenten promises the best I could. I'm sure I could have done more(I always feel that way) but with the death in the family, more pregnancy announcements(not mine..lol) and stress over homeschool, I am also a realist. So I prayed for my prayer buddy and I am sending her package tonight.I hope it gets there before Easter but I may send an email on Easter just to say it's on its way in case it runs late. I am so tired as I write this. It is the "staring at walls" hour for me when I have to do something to get energy to carry on. I keep rubbing my eyes like a sleepy toddler.
On the political front, I have been following Trey Grayson's campaign more closely. I wish I had more time to volunteer, it's a bad time of year with school, grades and busyness. Politics is wearing me thin. I'm tired of the Tea Party, tired of the libertarian thing and need a respite from it all. I plan on spending the next two days with family and at church. I need to spend time with Jesus this week.
I prayed for all my blog friends with troubled pregnancies, miscarriage infertility and special crosses every day during Lent. I hope God hears your prayers and answers.

Political switch and Northern KY Right to Life

2010-03-18T23:22:00.006-05:00

I have been in "mourning" since Bill Johnson withdrew from the senate race here in Kentucky. I have been quietly doing some research and became quite appalled when I saw that my local pro-life organization, Northern Kentucky Right to Life(NKRTL) is endorsing Rand Paul for senate. This was quite shocking since Trey Grayson received an endorsement from Kentucky Right to Life recently. NKRTL has been a hotbed of controversy here in recent years. I have generally supported them(both here and financially) but after this endorsement, I will no longer do so. I am dismayed that good Catholics and pro-life activists from Northern Kentucky can support such an individual. I will be voting for Grayson in the primaries(yes, my heart is still with Johnson but KY needs our votes since primary turnout is usually quite weak).
For those in Kentucky that will have a voice in the primary, here is the deal. Did you know Rand Paul supports women using the morning after pill?

Middlesboro Daily News: What about instances of rape or incest or where the outcome may not be death, but severe medical problems for the mother or child. Do you think that in these cases the decision should be left to the government rather than the families? Paul: In cases of rape, trying to prevent pregnancies is obviously the best thing. The morning-after pill works successfully most of the time. Ultimately we do better if we do have better education about family planning. With partial-birth abortion, there were five women who testified that it threatened their life. It wasn’t completely true in all cases. They were non-viable babies. They were babies with awful genetic mutations that were not going to survive, and I tend to think we let nature take its course. (Lorie Settles, "US Senate Hopeful Rand Paul Visits Middlesboro," The Middlesboro Daily News, 1/26/10)

This disgusts me. Next, he has a socially liberal agenda. He can't even tell us how he will vote on social issues once in office:

"Libertarian would be a good description," Rand Paul told CNN, "because libertarians believe in freedom in all aspects of your life – your economic life as well as your social life as well as your personal life." (CNN’s Political Ticker, 5/4/2009)

Standard libertarian fare is freedom on recreational drugs, prostitution, gay marriage, free speech(to the extent that our national defense would be vulnerable) and the list goes on. Paul knew he couldn't win a race as a libertarian in KY so hijacking the GOP here as if he owns it has become the norm. He has also flip-flopped on The Patriot Act, closing Gitmo and other items that threaten our national defense.
I hope others who are likely voters in the Kentucky primary will research this well. We need to take back the senate and have KY well represented. As a conservative catholic and American patriot, I have to say thumbs down to Northern Kentucky Right to Life, Sarah Palin, FreedomWorks and all the other organizations who believe they are endorsing a conservative pro-life candidate. If you are going to be throwing endorsements around like free candy to kids, have the sense to do the research, listen to what the "candidate" has said(in print and old interviews) BEFORE they threw their name in the hat. It speaks volumes, people. Rand Paul is a wolf in sheep's clothing and I will not be voting for him(even in the November election). I hope Grayson stays true to the conservative views of his constituents and does us proud. For those out-of-state(readers), make sure you know who you are voting for. Don't just read what they are saying now, look into what they said to the media prior to seeking election. Trust me, it's very telling.

I hope if Johnson comes out to support another candidate that he chooses Grayson.

More tidbits and quotes:

"And on abortion, Paul expressed discomfort with federal laws but said he "probably" would have voted for a federal ban on a procedure that has been called partial-birth abortion by its opponents." (Joe Gerth, The Courier-Journal, 10/19/2009)

"I would introduce and support legislation to send Roe v. Wade back to the states." (Rand Paul Speaking in Paducah, 5/9/2009)

"But he [Paul] was more evasive when it came to some social issues like abortion and gay marriage. He said he believes marriage is between a man and woman but wouldn’t say how he’d vote on such issues in the Senate, instead saying such matters should be left up to states." (Ronnie Ellis, "Paul Touts Fundraising Success, Stakes Positions On Federal Issues," The McCreary County [KY] Record, 10/20/09)

Rand Paul spokesman resigns as controversy swirls over writings

Anyway, you get the picture.

Politics, fertility and probate, oh my!

2010-03-12T10:51:00.004-05:00

Odd, I am CD32 or P+17. Not normal for me. Especially since I have been on progesterone. I'm not having any PMS issues except being weepy and even that has totally subsided. I need a new chart, new stickers and I need to get on the ball and get this emailed over for a second opinion. The weird pain in the female region makes no sense, it's not cramps...I don't know what endo pain feels like. Sigh, I don't enjoy over analyzing.
On the probate/law front, things are looking better. No will was filed by the lady so my BIL is getting the original will over to the county clerks office. She will now need to contest our will. My prayer is that the truth comes out and that we won't have to stress about this every day.
Got a bit sad because the best candidate for our senate race here in Kentucky has pulled out of the race. I think it has effected my jaded view of government and that is not a good thing. His name is Bill Johnson and he had such a positive strong and consistent message. He had a two-fold problem. One, his opponents were out spending him and most of their money came from out of state(boo). The other problem was name recognition. Rand Paul is known because of his father, Greyson because he has been in politics. Until recently, I was an active participant in the Tea Party movement. Now, I have backed off and I don't plan on getting involved again any time soon. We have loose canons like Dick Armey's FreedomWorks endorsing candidates without looking at the bigger picture, Sarah Palin(same thing) and it effects state politics when big names like that get involved without "doing their homework". Tea party "anything" should not be endorsing candidates. It will be the Party's undoing. People are involved for different reasons and what unifies us is the social and political conservative standards. To what degree people want to see them in government is personal. Endorsing candidates as "the Tea Party candidate" is only going to drive people away(like me and my family). Being involved in the Tea Party doesn't mean we all want to be libertarians. I am actually a registered republican and a member of the American Independent Party. I plan on staying that way, it is what I identify with on many levels, both fiscally and socially. Okay, I had to get all that out. Bill Johnson, sir, we will miss you and in the long run, our commonwealth will miss you. I hope you will consider another run some day. We can wait.

Knock. it. off.

2010-03-09T22:29:00.006-05:00

So tonight, I'm busily pumping out orders, sewing away. All of a sudden, it hits me. I don't get to stop doing this, slow down or focus on my family. Ever. Ever is a long time. Ever to me equals 90. So then the water starts, I can't stop crying. I mean I seriously couldn't stop. In just a single moment, our dreams of homeschool bliss, mommy baking in the kitchen, working in the yard, taking the kids to the park, all the stuff other moms get to do, poof. Then I got really angry. I finished my orders, came up to the classroom, logged into some newsie sites to see what I missed and oddly enough, had a moment of pleasure. I decided the old woman who took our family's fortune, her daughter looks a lot like Nancy Pelosi. I felt a bit better. That is just wrong on so many levels but I suppose I am desperate for some comic relief.
So I am having a glass of Cabernet, trying to get my mind off my woes, I'm P+12 and wishing I wasn't weeping because CD1 is near. I actually had to make a to do list because I have so many loose ends, I knew I would forget something. Actually, I even prayed that God would touch the heart of the old woman who ripped us off and make her feel remorseful for stealing from us. She definitely needs prayers for her soul. Stealing is stealing is stealing and I would not want to confront God after that big of a crime/sin. We are talking mortal with a capital M.
So, now I think my best plan would be to keep myself as busy as possible so the tears stay at bay. I would love to carry a baby to term and bring it home to be with us forever, I would love to just be a mom and a wife for once and I would love to find a way to bring peace to our home. So God, if you think any of this might be possible(or if I am asking for too much), let me know. I truly am ready for God to lead me. I just want to have a tiny flower of hope. Somewhere. Anywhere.

Finding hope during Lent

2010-03-09T11:44:00.003-05:00

My last post was all technical and depressing. I know that(I didn't say it was hopeful or happy). I need to keep up with this blog for my sanity now. I didn't realize how fragile that is when you have to hunt to find hope in a hopeless environment. I was crying last night to Mr. Thorn that I feel like I have failed at being a wife, a mother, a teacher and a business owner. I can't be spread this thin for this many years. I feel very solitary when I feel everyone has a new baby or is pregnant. I want to be happy for everyone, I want to feel nothing but what a supportive friend would feel.
My kids had to live through this whole death/expensive funeral/disinheritance thing with Mr. Thorn and I and it is showing in their behavior. Acting out, not motivated to do school work, etc. They were even being disrespectful at my mom's yesterday(it was awful). So last night I told Mr. Thorn that we need to find a way to build our family back up, find some peace in our home and pray that God helps us recover financially from the blow we have been dealt. I am finding so much comfort reading IF/MC blogs and offering up my suffering for them. Otherwise, I feel my pain is in vain. I always pray for my family who have not yet accepted Christ and those away from the church but I never see any change there, so I keep praying and try not to let discouragement overwhelm me.
One prayer was answered, sort of. I asked God to allow the truth to come out about this whole inheritance thing and it is almost there. There are still many unanswered questions but most of he family knows this old lady took us all to the cleaners. For whatever that is worth.
I have to muster the strength to carry on and teach and get on the ball with my business and hope God will carry me because I am totally incapable of doing anything with conviction or purpose right now.

Hell hath no fury...

2010-03-08T08:51:00.001-05:00

We just got back in town from a long week at Mr. Thorn's grandfather's funeral. It didn't go well(if you couldn't tell by the title). He was 96, his wife died the year we were married. He moved back down to Florida after that, met a woman close to his age and they lived in his condo as "companions", or so we thought. Turns out, they got married in 2007, and she never bothered to come to the funeral. Hmm. Odd. Her daughter, however shows up. The whole thing was uncomfortable. After most of the visitors leave, the remaining siblings gathered and we were told by Mr. Thorn's oldest brother that he "thinks" there may be another will and don't count on getting anything from grandpa's estate. So Mr. Thorn and I are shocked, no one else really let it phase them.
Now mind you, we are not materialistic money-grubbers. This meant "relief" for us from constantly being under. My husband was very close to his grandfather and we were always told the money would be there when grandpa died. He came from humble beginnings and was a self-made millionaire. I think what is so hard about all this is that was one of the only "keep going thoughts" that I had for years. I'm not going to lie, we have a difficult life. I run my own businesses(to be specific, about 5 businesses - a website, 2 other internet venues, a barter business, wholesale and a fabric business, I homeschool full time and I have two special needs sons and one daughter. My husband is in sales, too, so there are months we have very little income(due to economy, etc) I always thought I could keep this train wreck going until we had the inheritance money so I kept up this crazy life. We don't get "days or nights off". I'm just worn out.
So, back to the story. Fast forward to today. We now get conflicting stories that now there is no will(at all) and we should just forget about it.
So what do we do? A long time back a good priest friend of ours told me(regarding my in laws) "you are a christian, not a door mat". Those words haunted me this week. How is it a man who spent his whole life helping family and building this nest egg to pass on can get taken by a woman like this and my brother in law, the executor of the estate, does nothing and feels family is no longer entitled to this money? Sorry for this rant but we have been devastated and I can't wrap my head around it.
The woman he "married" is 92. Her family is the ones set to really gain from this arrangement. We were never informed we had been cut out of the will and we did nothing to deserve being cut out. (Mind you, she married him, whatever, at 92 I don't think they got married to have kids. She gets 30% off the top, I get that and can't dispute it) So now we need to decide if we want to go rogue, get a probate lawyer, request to see if there is a will and proceed, with or without the other siblings. I have had to read more about Florida law, trusts, wills, etc, than I care to. I wish it didn't have to come to this. The "executor" brother(who is a lawyer" is going down to Florida this week and has no intentions of doing anything other than recouping the expense of the burial. Unreal. Well, this is a slice of my life. Normally I don't blog about things of such a secular nature. This is just eating me up inside. I had hoped to use this money to pay off our debts(hospital bills, etc) and focus on homeschool and actually being a wife and mother for the first time in my married life. Unless I fight for this, it won't happen. I just don't know if I have it in me. I'm exhausted already.
And, yes, we have been offering our rosaries for his grandfather, praying about all this and hoping we find peace.

I can't be strong every day

2010-03-02T00:18:00.002-05:00

Today wasn't a good one. Wish I could put a happy face on my emotions but that wouldn't be truthful. Found out it was a full moon, my kids were crazy and combative. Other than that, I'm having pregnancy symptoms. That is so not cool. I have been making frequent trips to the bathroom, sore you know what's and emotional. I'm on the mega dose of prometrium so I feel a bit tortured. I can handle real pregnancy symptoms....I think about them often. So many pregnant people all over, it's really crazy right now. It's Lent, I suffer, I cry, I feel helpless, I offer it up and feel guilty. That's kinda the cycle of things.
If my posts lately seem all over the place, that's me in a nutshell. I daydream and have random thoughts and try to imagine my future throughout the day. It's not a pretty place to be. I feel like I'm falling all the time and can't grab on to anything to stop the fall.
I have been upping my prayers for my family for a baby and for my prayer buddy. I check her blog hoping for a positive event. I need sleep. We are going to a funeral and I have so much to do. We may take a school break for a day or two this week. My kids need it and I need it. We haven't had a full week of school off since we started last Fall. I think we need it. We are fairly far ahead so it should be fine.
I keep my IF blog friends in my prayers. I said a special prayer to ask St. Joseph's aid tonight. I hope God hears our prayers. I even got weepy over my lost babies today. Sigh. This has to change. I love my family and I need to remain functional. Even on prometrium.

Everyone I know is...

2010-02-28T20:51:00.002-05:00

...either pregnant or just had a baby. I can only think of 2-3 women I know(closely) that are not. All ages, all faiths...you name it. Sigh. Here's the thing. I have had bouts of being sad, upset, depressed, anxious, pretty much the gamut of emotions but I finally learned this impulse thing that is helping. I look in the mirror and think "I trust you Lord". All the IF blogs I visit have reflections on this issue, everyone handles it different. I am a different breed of IF since mine is secondary and now has more to do with age than anything else(at least that's what I think). Also, I have children, I have had miscarriage. I don't know of many women that blog from that perspective. I do it for therapeutic reasons and also hope to help someone out there that feels they don't fit in anywhere else. Three miscarriages may not seem like a lot to some but it is plenty for me. I relive the pain daily and try not to let it control me. I want to find good in it. I sometimes grieve more for my family. My daughter wants a baby badly and she is not shy about telling me often. I know she feels lonely, I want God to lead me wherever I need to be for help. I feel I am with the right doctor. I know I am doing the best I can with all I have on my plate to be open to life always.
After my first miscarriage, I had a strong sign from God that I would have another child. Since then, Mr. Thorn's mother told us(before she died) we would have more children. I feel like God is constantly giving me signs to hang in there even when the odds seem so dismal. So I look in the mirror and tell God I trust and hang on. I have even prayed that God take this desire away if it is not meant to be. So if anyone is going through or has gone through something similar, I know, I've been there. With two special needs sons, people wonder why I would possibly want more children. Because God has given me that desire and will not take it away.
Mr. Thorn's grandfather passed away Friday. Things have been more emotional around here since Friday. That's to be expected but frustrating.
I had a lot to offer up for my prayer buddy this week. We are also praying our family rosary for her. I want to help others and often the internet makes me feel, well, helpless. I am good at praying for bloggers though. It is painful when you can't comfort them or feel you might say the wrong thing. Lent is always an interesting journey for me. Usually full of events or drama...I doubt this year will be any different.

Prayer Buddy and Lent thoughts

2010-02-18T22:08:00.003-05:00

Been very busy and suffice it to say, Lent went off with a bang. Day before Ash Wednesday my eye was swollen shut. Ash Wednesday I was so looking forward to Mass in the evening and I got a huge pain across my back in the shoulder blades that kept me from walking much and unable to sit up without a heating pad, missed Mass and cried. So my prayer buddy(picked from Sew Infertile's blog) has some wonderful "offering it up" items :) We have decided to say the rosary every day during Lent as a family so she will have those prayers too. I prayer very hard for my infertile blog friends, hope this goes well.
I am having the kids make Lenten calendars and a Lenten jar to help us. I told them I want Jesus to transform them during Lent. Sometimes, I don't think kids realize when they are being selfish or impulsive. The boys have so much to work on there, approaching the puberty years will not be fun. I have been warned.
So tomorrow we are hoping to go to stations and maybe a fish fry. The youngest Thorn's birthday party is this weekend so lots to do there, too.
I am balancing so much, new business ventures and trying to stay on top of homeschool. Sometimes I look back at the week and wonder how I got it all in. I don't get to blog as much, not as much personal time. I can handle that. I keep telling God I can't do this alone and not to leave me. Sometimes the wonder of God chokes me up and I cry. That's okay, huh? It's getting to crying every Sunday at Mass. I cried when I told the kids about the gift of their Catholic faith today. If I cry and they get it, it must be working.

My numbers and HCG shots a comin'

2010-02-06T16:19:00.003-05:00

I received my lab numbers today for P+7. 40 on estrodial and 14 on progesterone. He wants me off prometrium and on HCG shots starting P+3. We are still treating everything as if I have endo and he believes that is what is causing the luteal phase defect/crazy number. I think it is also my age, from what I have read. Today was the first day I know of that I have voluntarily said, "I would love another child, if it is Your Will." Why these words are odd, I can only believe is because I have been praying for so long that God answers our prayer and the "Your Will" part has always come with grumbling and apprehension. So now I wait another cycle, try to figure out how to become healthier, lose weight, all of the above. I have been so busy with work and homeschool that my health comes last, always. I hope God is taking better care of me than I am of myself. I cut out pop, back to coffee with goat's milk(only) and trying not to snack very much. I have a strong desire to be fit and healthy, just not the means or time, that saddens me. So much snow outside. It's lighting up the entire room. I don't really like snow or cold but I will take the nice natural light.

So, are we there yet?

2010-02-01T15:14:00.003-05:00

It's warm today, nature teases this time of year. I long for sun and flowers and green trees and yards. It will hit me like a wet towel when we get the next snow or ice storm. Oh well.
So here I sit on 400 mg of progesterone. I'm sure I will get used to it. Dr. is starting me on HCG shots next month. Oh, I am breaking out like a 16 yr old. Nice, eh? Never mind the dizziness, nausea and feeling like a drunk sailor on a rickety ship all day.
Homeschool going better. I am ahead in many subjects and realize if I am to do this well, we will need to keep my business needs and the kids needs in mind. Tricky but we are managing. We are behind in math, no shock, we will probably go into summer with math lessons. They are almost done with spelling, grammar, penmanship and we finished the first Latin book. Writing didn't go well. They received no creative writing in school so I had to start from scratch and the book was too hard. Eh, we will figure it out.
It has helped that I got two nights out in the past two weeks. One with Mr. Thorn and one with some friends. Stuff rolls off me quicker when I have been out of my crazy house for a bit.
We are hopeful things will be better this year with our parish(although what we have is much better and more stable than what we had to deal with in Kentucky) and fertility/foster/adoption. I pray God leads us down the right path. I can only do all the doctor advises, trust we are exactly where God wants us and find positives in the present.
I feel guilty when I don't blog that often. I am on Facebook more often and I "see" most of my blog friends there so I forget to keep up over here. My homeschool blog got lost in the busyness of the school year and the demands of our new schedules.
I need a nap now. Hehe. Dumb prometrium.

Some news, some snow and you know...

2010-01-07T14:16:00.004-05:00

So I have a og friend who has baby news, I am so, so happy about. AYWH and her dh brought home their baby girl yesterday and it made my day, week and more! Honestly, this is more exciting than me finding out we are expecting(I'm not, I'm just saying, I have followed her blog so long and all...) So, if you need a lift and to witness God's amazing love for us, visit and see the happy family.
Next, we are recovering for what seemed like a crazy holiday with me on prometrium(ack, what side effects I had) and catching up with work related business and school. We have a large order to finish and ship and we are trying to complete our second quarter of homeschool. So I will be brief so I can get back to work before the kids come in dripping with snow.
I made a purchase this week for our homeschool classroom in hopes that it would solve some of the ADD issues we are having with staying on task and motivation my younger son to finish work and lessons. It should be delivered tomorrow and looks promising. It is called The Appreciation Station and it is a reward "vending machine" that you can adapt and use to suit your own needs and those of the child. Here is where we purchased it from, it is on clearance and a great price!

The Appreciation Station
For free shipping, use code 391467 at checkout.
Anyway, I am excited because it reiterates the parenting style I have consistently used with my boys(with much success) in rewarding positive behaviors. We plan on using coupons for time with mom or dad, family game and movie nights and some trinkets. I will report back how it works out.
Okay, I need to move on and get in a lot of work today. I would like to blog more but sometimes life gets crazy.
If you would like to follow me on Facebook(I'm much more active there now), post a comment(I won't publish) of how to find you and connect with you there. My frenetic life seems to be more short bursts/FB style at the present time. I'm not giving up the blog, I just know until summer, I will be busy...lol.

New post, Christmas and other musings

2009-12-22T23:47:00.002-05:00

Firstly, I have been neglectful. I need to visit and share on this blog because(for one), things are beginning to look up on the fertility front. I had a wacky last month and couldn't even take progesterone because my P day happened two days before my next cycle started. I am CD12 and so far a 10CKL...hmmm...what???? I usually have P on day 19-22 so this is looking good.

I am NOT ready for Christmas. Nothing wrapped, still need to clean, bake more, etc. Mr. Thorn is waiting for me to stop typing so we can have some time to relax. It's been hectic. Homeschool, work and life took over. I miss blogging, I miss visiting blogs...I am just trying to balance.
I am hoping to get labs on P+7 and make an appointment for the first of the year to see what the dr. thinks. I am trying to be patient. Praying that God help me to find health, I am fairly over-worked and not taking care of myself. I pray the new year will find me healthier, and if I am diligent, maybe thinner. I hope to catch up and post again over Christmas but I'm still working on sending out cards and wrapping. I was sick over a week and that didn't help matters. I still keep blog friends in my prayers.

So sorry for too long

2009-11-30T20:56:00.002-05:00

Life got crazy. What else can I say. This is the busy time of year for my business and we just wrapped up our 1st quarter and preparing for a trade show in Columbus on Thursday. That should be interesting. I'm getting samples ready and finishing up the kids grades for the quarter. My homeschool office isn't real quick at responding to phone calls so grades were due today and I have nada on the tech side to file. We are busy preparing for that, Christmas, trying to stay above water with homeschool...its all a bit nuts. I don't worry about politics and the world as much because I', so stinking busy. Maybe that's good, we shall see. I will be having a blog giveaway in the next week to celebrate St. Nicks Day, which we love here in Cincinnati. It will be something cool and hopefully a few choices. I feel like I have neglected my blog. Snif. I miss it and sometimes I need an outlet when things seem to be a whirlwind.
Christmas is close. I don't like cold. I will stand the cold for baby Jesus. :)

New stuffs and healthcare

2009-11-10T09:15:00.004-05:00

We had a crazy finish to the end of our first quarter for homeschool and today is my first "breather". Things are going okay, I'm trying to focus on the basics, the kids like the extras(art, music, latin) so I try to do what I can. I got my bowels in an uproar after watching the congressional votes go down(live) on Saturday. It sicken me that people are getting so focused on abortion that they are allowing socialist medicine and control of our lives to waltz in the door. This is the evil one using what we hold dear, life, to determine our destiny. Am I the only one that knew the reason they allowed the Stupak Ammendment to even be an issue was because it was the ace in the hole that pushed it through? It was black and white as I watched it all unfold.
On another note, I am in my first cycle with prometrium supplements along with the B6 and D. I have 10 days of 8-10 CM of various types in this cycle. I started prometrium on P+3. Odd side effects but I will deal. I must mosey to teach another lesson and shower for my ds doctor appointment. I'm feeling frustrated today...not about homeschool, life in general. More on that later.

Sacred Heart and the unknown

2009-10-26T23:00:00.003-05:00

I have been neglecting posting about our current situation at our parish. I haven't known how to deal with it and maybe, I still don't know what lies ahead. For those who have followed this blog, you know we love the traditional liturgy and have been nomads for quite some time. We finally felt drawn to a parish in Cincinnati that offers an Extraordinary Form Mass every Sunday and holy day and is also quite conservative for the ordinary form as well. This has gradually changed with the new pastor that came in this summer. Unfortunately, changes have come. So far, we can deal with most. Others who attended this Mass have already moved on(left). I am praying for God's Will. It is not a matter of us being attached to a parish as we were a year ago because of a school. But I really felt home in this parish...now I don't know.
If I was single, no big deal. But having children, a husband, uhg, causes anxiety and I am fighting it. The new pastor has no interest in getting to know those who attend the traditional Mass and it is obvious. We had a catered celebration when he first came and he was not present when the EF Mass attendees arrived. He took out the votive candles, wants girl servers, woman and girl "readers" and took out the significant information from the bulletin regarding our Mass and the traditional calender. So, I don't think I am too far off base in saying he doesn't care for my "kind". Sadly, the EF Mass attendees have been supportive financially and physically to the parish life. That is changing. Anyway, it saddens me and we will stay as long as we can and it is bearable. My son recently started serving, too. I will continue to pray. I just don't feel much stability in my life right now. Satan is fighting the traditional movement with a vengeance. We just want a home and stability. We have been through so much and I am not trustful of much right now. Now you know why I have been neglectful in posting on local church matters. I am hopeful for the long-term. I think we may have to go through quite a lot of garbage to get there. I need to just be okay with that and move on.
I pray we all stay well, healthy and sane. Why do I feel like that is too much to ask right now?

Doctor visit and protocol

2009-10-20T23:28:00.005-05:00

I went to doc yesterday and I went sick. Mr. Thorn had to take me with all three Thorns in tow. I had a migraine for over 12 hours, nausea and fatigue so he looked around, said I have an infection(viral), I got two shots in the hip and we talked about the lab results. My estradiol was fine, got up to 133 but progesterone was horrid. He said it was good news because it is something we can treat. So this month, I am starting progesterone on P+3 to 12. This, with the B12 and Vit. D should get my progesterone back to a good level and push P earlier in the cycle. So we have a plan and that's a positive thing. After 5 months of failed labs, I finally have something. They tried to get labs while I was in the office for some general things(T4, wh blood cell ct, etc) and blew another vein. This is very normal for me. I have very tiny and deep veins. I have always had them, no matter how old I am or how much weight is on me. Just stinks. So I left without getting that. Last time I went to the hospital in KY for labs, there was an H1N1 parade and I was a wreck. I looked like a crazy lady with the hand sanitizers and shuffling my kids out hurriedly. We found out tonight my husband's nephew has H1N1 but he is home from hospital. I prayed in the car for him. He must be scared.

Today I am a bit better. Can't sleep much(it's late here). We went to IKEA for dinner...2.49 for the meatball dinner with fixings and kids eat free. We actually had to trade in our lighting fixtures, bought the wrong type so it was a well-meaning trip. Still trying to balance homeschool, work, house and faith and it's a tightrope. I only get through each day with God's help. I basically pray not to screw things up too badly. So far it seems to be working. Lord, just keep us well and shield our faith.

Some day in Covington...

2009-10-14T09:37:00.002-05:00

Wonderful news!

Effective October 7, 2009, the feast of Our Lady of the Most Holy Rosary, His Excellency Ronald W. Gainer, Bishop of Lexington, enacted the Statutes of the Regina Pacis Community of the Diocese of Lexington, creating a chaplaincy under which members of the Community may register in lieu of a parish. The chaplain of the Community serves as the pastor of its faithful under Canon Law.

Lexington Latin Mass

The formal establishment of the Regina Pacis Community has been prayerfully awaited by its members and is an occasion of great joy and thanksgiving for all in the Diocese of Lexington who value the traditional sacramental rites of the Church. We are exceedingly grateful to Bishop Gainer and ask the prayers of all that this Community may thrive and provide spiritual benefits to all the faithful as part of the broader community of the Diocese.

St. Peter Roman Catholic Church
153 Barr Street Lexington, Kentucky

Laudetur Jesus Christus! Welcome to the Regina Pacis Community!

Sunday Mass 4pm
Daily Mass Monday through Saturday 7am
Confessions heard before all Masses

Last day for labs, moving forward and ravioli

2009-10-13T09:50:00.002-05:00

Today is the last day for my hormonal labs. Yeah. I need to make a follow up appointment for the labs and hope to move on and get serious about treatment. I'm on CD 32 with whacked symptoms. We shall see. Last month was 26 days, the two prior were 40 days. So, I hope we can make sense of this.
This weekend, we have our bi-annual Italian Dinner with ravioli and spaghetti. This takes place at Sacred Heart in Camp Washington(off I75) near Cincinnati. (October, 18th which is Sunday) Dinners start at noon and go until they run out of food. Cost is $5 kids and $10 adult and you receive A LOT of food.
On another note, we are becoming frustrated with changes at the church which I, for one, didn't see coming. They took ALL the votive candles out of our church and replaced them with electric. Needless to say, we have to light candles at other parishes now because I refuse to flick a switch for my offering(call me sentimental or nit-picky, I don't care). There is also a crazy hunt for "readers" for the English Mass and they must be having a hard time because it's in the bulletin every week. Weird. This was a very traditional parish. Other than those items, our Mass and loyal attendees remains the same(thank God). My prayer is that we some day have a well supported traditional parish in either Northern Kentucky or Cincinnati. No idea how long that might take. It needs to be financially sound and supported for sure. The SSPX church in Walton is much closer to completion so I hope we keep people in the Catholic fold. The only way this will happen is by providing a secure parish/home for traditionalists.

Labs are a go! 4 long months

2009-10-05T23:03:00.002-05:00

I went for another blood draw tonight. The doctor called and told me O was on 01/10 and to continue. After 4 long months, I will finally get these labs done. Now, the phlebotomist was well...(I just went to confession). I said "I have deep small veins and they usually do well to use a baby needle and get one on the first stick". So she pulls out the ginormous needle, sticks me in the bend of the elbow and my arm starts going into involuntary spasms. Nothing. Pulls it out, then goes to a butterfly(still not a baby needle). Tries about an inch over, digs and digs, more spasms and pain, nothing. The she gets the baby needle, gets it on the first stick but in a wild location and the blood starts pooling under the skin and swelling before my eyes. She then tapes me up and says "have a good night".

Hey, at least I'm moving on...lol. So I hope to get in to start on metformin, progesterone or something in the next week or so. Trying my best to balance everything and busy enough that I have little time to dwell on things out of my control(which is good). I hope to get more business work in this week. I'm trying to wear many hats. Thankfully our house is wired well with internet connections, laptops, etc. I have been trying to work on my site, emails, etsy, etc while the kids do independent work. I think I will find a balance eventually.

Labs, labs, labs

2009-10-04T16:21:00.004-05:00

Someone forgot to mention life would get nuts when I started homeschool. Haha. So here I am, not posting as often as usual. I am at the lab series for progesterone and estradiol again. Fourth month of attempting to get it right, timed right and get on with things. At my age, I don't have a lot of time for mistakes. I am still trusting God and hoping that satan is just trying to get me to give up(for a reason). I lost count of the obstacles. They include labs closing, wrong tubes for bloodwork(invalidating results), phone numbers to the lab that just "stop working", NFP chart all over the place and making no sense...you get the picture.
I sent away for holy cards, medals and enrollment to the League of the Miraculous Infant Jesus of Prague and hope He will be near me during all of this mess. With all on my plate, it is very easy to mess up, forget or lose things. I have to do lists and post-its all over now plus I send myself calender alerts via email as a backup. Does that sound crazy enough?
With all that, I am also trying to stay on top of school, keep my business going, order the rest of our books(art, etc), and keep the house together. Oh, and avoid my in-laws and all of their nonsense. I think I've remembered everything. I feel a bit frantic, I know it's not forever. I lit a candle at first Saturday Mass for my blog friends(actually, one of my kids did) who are struggling with M/C, IF and uncertain pregnancies. I will be seeing the doctor again soon and let you know what happens. Hopefully we will have labs that help me move forward to a treatment plan. Limbo is rarely a good thing.
P.S. - Thank you for the prayers. I can honestly say they have helped. Hope has returned with prayers and patience.

More pregnancies and hope for whatever comes

2009-09-20T08:39:00.003-05:00

I learned that 3 of my blog friends, all have had issues with IF and/or M/C, are now expecting. Two of my local friends have just given birth too(with some reproductive issues as well). In my weakest moments, this would make me sad and wonder why I have such extreme fear and wondering who can possibly help me(my last dr appointment went something like "this is a spiritual battle you are waging, you need spiritual help, someone who can pray for you, the evil one didn't even want you here today, trust me"...yeah....this is why I have been quiet on the posting front). So....we pray our family rosary all the time for my friends who are pregnant, experienced the loss of miscarriage or cannot conceive. I had one of those very weak moments yesterday when my young dd whispers to me at the mall that she gets sad when she sees girls with little sisters and she was sorry she felt that way. Sigh. Then as we are driving last night, Mr. Thorn and I were discussing the current state of things, fertility-wise, I started tearing up and I'm trying to keep composure in front of the kids. I told him I don't know if anyone prays for us(when it comes to children). Just then this HUGE family of deer were out in total view, very close to our van and stared right at us. There were at least 6-8 deer. So all night I wondered, we prayed, and I realized God hasn't given up on me yet. I can't give up on me.
I also was able to stop by my friends who just gave birth on Thursday(a month early) and it was just so special. He was so little, so perfectly made and her next youngest dd was so in awe of this little guy. It was so cute and so powerful to see God's work. So, I continue to thank God for the children I have, I ask that if my days are over, please take this desire away(it remains) and I am inspired by the women who surround me who have beat the odds, relied on God's grace and have amazing stories of fear, hope and loss. I hope those who are in a similar situation like I am, may realize that God's signs to us are all around. He works through others, and through nature. Be open to Him, always pray for the truth and continue to hope.

Ultrasound results and more

2009-09-02T16:18:00.003-05:00

I have been so stinking busy prepping for homeschool and oddly enough, I have had a huge influx of business. SO much that I will need to work straight through the holiday weekend just so I can focus on school next week. Real quick, my ultrasound was fine, ovaries fine, lining fine. I am convinced there are things going on of a spiritual nature and with no one to talk to regarding this, I will offer it up and pray that Christ stay near me. Basically, my chart defied logic and was out of the norm so much that he couldn't tell me what to do or where to go other than to deal with this from a spiritual perspective. Easier said than done. I don't really have anyone to go to. If I can't get successful labs this month, I am going for a PCOS screen and then onto Metformin, etc.
So I will be sewing, still hammering out my holiday line, getting lessons ready and trying to make a school room from tight quarters. I have been praying hard with my family for my blog friends, infertile, repeat M/C and pregnant alike. We try to remember to offer our family rosary for you all. I will update again soon.

A good call from Cincinnati

2009-09-02T16:15:00.003-05:00

Nun Barred From Teaching Over Views On Women
If you are going to be one with the Church, you need to be one.

Yeah! for Catholic insurance. Really.

2009-08-25T10:19:00.003-05:00

Today was the day at the dentist for all three Thorn kids. Check-ups, x-rays and cleaning. They all did well, no cavities. Mama, however, did not do well. They take all three kids back, I'm left alone in the waiting room with 2 pregnant moms(7 months plus), a husband of a pregnant mom and a prima donna mom. So the conversation turns to pregnancy, bed rest, we didn't plan this, etc. I did well, all things considered. The one preg mom says "my youngest is 7yrs, we didn't want more, then SURPRISE!, I'm pregnant". The prima mom says "I don't want more, my husband has had the consults and is supposed to have his surgery next month, I can't wait". She continues. "The worst part is we have CATHOLIC INSURANCE and they won't pay for it. It sucks because I am so done, even if my husband isn't. I'm overwhelmed with my two as it is."

So on one hand my brain is saying "you selfish woman, how insensitive you say such things in public while others cry out for life" Then may brain is going "heck yeah, why should your catholic insurance pay for you to play baby god?" Then I'm thinking...does your husband work for the diocese or do you have the Foresters insurance?

Good grief, what a lousy day at the dentist. As soon as all the complaining pregnant ladies and prima baby god lady left, the lump in my throat turned to tears. I told God I was sorry, I prayed for strength and I am now trying to move on.
Tomorrow is my appointment to follow up on the ultrasound. I hope for the best, I have been having pains, don't know what's going on. Satan has been working on me lately. Finances, homeschool, car problems, peace in our home, baby hopes, all of it. Back off bringing of fear and killer of hope! That's all on that.

I was also very troubled by a recent "appointment" in/around our diocese...I hold onto hope that everything in the dark will be brought to light. I am also thankful to be in Cincinnati(not Covington), to be free from the politics and garbage here. It has been a burden, occasion of sin and in the end, I have always been about following the truth. This is what led me to our parish we now call home and we look forward to Mass again(always).
Sorry if this seems random or vague. Those who have followed my blog for years know we have been through quite a lot. It should not be this much work and stress to follow the truth and be free from falsehoods and questionable liturgy. I pray it is cleaned up one day. I'm sure that is the hope of many Catholics. Until then, pray and hope. "Not worrying" goes against my nature and the way God created me ;)

What's wrong with you?

2009-08-18T15:52:00.004-05:00

I haven't posted in too long. I've been busy with work, homeschool to-do-list and life. No one tells you homeschool can be a lonely place. I'm posting this for my sanity and to make sense of it. I have prayed for a lonnnnnng time about homeschool and I didn't take the plunge until I was certain this is what God wants for us. Money has been beyond hard. It seems as if it became much worse after I decided to homeschool. I don't know why. I have many "don't know why's" in my life lately. I'm not trying to come out of the woodwork to be a downer, but I'm also not going to post about how happy and smiley life is if it's a lie. I like truth, even when it's not pretty. I know most if not all of the people around me think I have lost it wanting to homeschool. Honestly, we couldn't afford private school anymore(even if it was still an option). Both Mr. Thorn and I work in jobs that are sales based, not salary. So when sales aren't there, we have no money. So, I am going into this homeschool, totally relying on God to lead us and provide for us, because I can't do it anymore. I can still run my business but not with the same amount of time I did before. I am hoping for miracles because I can't see, with my realistic eyes, a way for this to work. I am trusting that God sees how this will work. I have taken many leaps like this in the past but this one will have a huge impact on my children. So we are off, come what may and I really don't have a plan B.

On another note, I had another 40 day cycle. I had two rounds of labs drawn and no progesterone spike to signal the big P(even though chart was great and CM) so I am scheduled for an ultrasound this week. I'm so busy with life that I don't have time to fret over what may be wrong. I will keep you all posted.
I don't want to be discouraged, I want to have hope and be thankful. I know where fear comes from, and doubt. It is a struggle to keep them at bay. I will post on my homeschool/personal blog this week and update regularly since we are starting soon, ordering books, etc.

I can't do this. Any of this. Without God.

Hormonal screen and chart update

2009-08-06T08:33:00.003-05:00

So I get a call from my doc last night and he tells me to stop charting. Sigh. I didn't have my peak day yet. Over a week of being poked and bruising and nothing. Not to mention my P being on CD28 or up is not cool. I am talking with my Creighton teacher tonight. I'm kinda a mess over it. Right now my prayer is to figure out what is going on quickly and get on the proper treatment. I'm trying to be patient(I promise I am). I think if I was in my 20's patience wouldn't be an issue. I'm on CD30 now, usually a 28 day and very regular, now, not so much. So, that's all I know. I can't make a follow-up until these tests are done and I didn't have peak-type until day 34 last month. This month, one day of 10CKL on day 17 then boom. Now I'm in a run of 10's and 8L....yish. I'm just going to have to keep my chins up.

CORRECTION********* Doctor said to stop the LABWORK. I was apparently tired and frustrated when I wrote this. It looks like, if things go as such, I will start over on Sunday with the labs.

Homeschool, labwork and other things

2009-08-03T19:49:00.004-05:00

I'm in the middle of my hormonal screen and I'm now having to give labs through an "infant butterfly" because my veins shrunk, too deep, all that. Tonight the guy hit a nerve and my left arm is all wrecked. I suppose I don't need it as much as my right but dang, hurts. On another note, we received our book list/curriculum from the academy today. I can't buy anything until our consult but it is nice to know things are progressing. It seems classical all around which gives me comfort. I hope the kids respond well to it. They are doing well and enjoy Latin so I am taking that as a sign to continue and feel positive and as my grandma used to say "keep your chins up".
On the fertility front, I had ANOTHER 10CL today...2 x's. What the heck? Day 27?? Maybe that is the B6, I dunno. It seems odd. I will feel better progressing with the doctor and my supplements. Hope and moving on has to be good.
Please pray for a blog friend who experienced a miscarriage in the past few days. My heart goes out to her and her husband. I prayed so hard this weekend...and I prayed for my infertile friends...I always remember to pray for them. Keeping hope, that is always important to a couple that has fertility issues or miscarriage. I hope my words that I write here may comfort someone who is in pain over loss or has lost hope in holding a baby some day. It is a lonely road but faith and hope are crucial. I promise. I try not to beat myself up too much over personal weaknesses or shortcomings. I pray every day that God help me to become the person He wants me to be. I never know what that will be. All I can do at this point in my life is trust.
I will post about my labs and chart weirdness when I know something. It will be interesting to see how things unfold.

Fertility, peaches and heat

2009-07-26T20:06:00.003-05:00

Here we go:
A. I had an official "10CKL" this cycle so I got for the hormonal screen on Tuesday(yeah).
B. We went to a farm in Hebron and a farmer's market in Burlington on Saturday(yes, in the pouring rain) so I have amazing peaches, melon, beans, fresh basil and on and on....(yes, I'm still raw).
C. Summer is back and we are rightfully in the 80's again.

I have been spending time with kids, weaning off of some of the boys meds I want to get rid of, spending time making raw foods, helping with the homeschool blog....
Anyway...still here. I will definitely be posting updates from the fertility front as soon as I know more. Just glad to NOT have a dry cycle. I hope one day I can say "never give up hope" when it comes to baby wishes. Until then, we keep plugging along.

Weepy but steady

2009-07-17T16:28:00.005-05:00

A little lack of sleep, a little missing my babies and some "I don't want to look at raw stuff right now" combo. I have been working on Etsy, sewing and trying to keep the kids entertained. The baby emails, the baby formula/freebies, they are all flooding in. I should have kept something on my computer while I worked to keep my mind off it all. I didn't want to talk on the phone, that's for sure. I worked with kids, gave them some craft ideas, watched 15 minutes of the news. My conspiracy theory brain now believes Obama, et all, is trying to get our bowels so much in an uproar that we will start a revolution and he and his croonies can lock us all up. If you think I am way off base, that's okay. This is what happens when my mind takes over, strays from prayer and has no caffeine in sight.
I'm anxiously awaiting my peak day, I want to get these tests done and get on with it. I feel like I have a huge pause button on my life right now. Oh, I have lost 12pounds so far, for anyone interested in how the raw thing is going. I am not 100% and I am floating around 75% raw. That's okay with me for now. I will adjust as need be.
I am moving forward with the homeschool co-op. I wasn't 100% sure, I wanted to homeschool to be in control of the kid's education and I feel that I am surrendering some before I even get started. It's one day a week, if things go horribly awry, we will take another route. For now, this is where I am.
I will be sewing for the next 12 hours...get these orders OUT. The weather is going to be cold, you know, global warning and all. So I might as well sew. I need to get fish sticks in the oven for the little ones. Mr. Thorn had to work late, he got a semi-national account so all is well. Now I need to come up with a raw dinner....for us. Probably going to go off a bit and do lox, sprouted bagel and goat cheese. Bad, mama.

***************************
Ok, an update. Having salmon for dinner. Also, blog friend, Sew Infertile had a big announcement this week(my bright spot, yeah) and a friend of ours found work this week after being out for many months(another yeah). Thank you, blessed mother, for your powerful intercession. Hope is alive and my house smells like garlic!

A short red stamp note

2009-07-13T13:40:00.003-05:00

I finally arrived at my CD1 with red stamps. 40 dang days. I am still raw, doing well. I am hoping for a solid peak and good CM this cycle so I can get the hormonal screen completed. That means next month we will supplement and depending on the outcome, we can begin trying again. Long road, trying not to fear.
I am trying to read some of the critiques of the new encyclical and the NYT is reporting that we are to take away "Pope calling for New World Order and socialism". It's a good thing I am plenty busy now. I have found it easier to tweet and post on Facebook is small blips. We are trying to make sure my business stays afloat and homeschool runs smoothly. I pray for patience. There are roadblocks and red flags so I am praying more to be guided in the right direction.

Cool secret information on classic toys

2009-07-08T13:13:00.003-05:00

Frank Lloyd Wright, Oil Heat and Bolivian Cults: The Secrets Behind Your Favorite Toys

Read it, it's fun. Y9u know you need more insane trivia in your head for life.

Caritas in Veritate

2009-07-07T10:33:00.001-05:00

Reading now.

Vatican link to English Caritas in Veritate

Here is where I am stuck on the fertility front

2009-07-06T14:51:00.002-05:00

I have been about 75-80% raw for 8 days now. I am on day 38 of my cycle and have no red stickers in sight(if you know what I am talking about). Took 2 tests, both negative. So I am reading about raw foodists and what happens to the cycles and had to call both my practitioner and doctor and say "what now?" I was supposed to have a hormonal screen done on P+3-12, every other day. Didn't happen this month. I have no idea where I am. I had 10DL's on day 34-35....so there ya have it.
Here are some links I found on raw foods and cycles:

Link 1
Link 2
I am trying to balance out what I believe to be healthy foods that need to be cooked for their nutritional value. I am not sure how it will go. I can't have a cessation of menses make sense and be "healthy" in my mind. Nor do I think after a bit more than a week, I have freaked my system that badly. I think it is a delay and hope to pray and research some more. I couldn't find valid info on where I am at with the diet and "life" to make sense of it for me, personally.

My heavens! This can't be good.

2009-06-30T18:18:00.004-05:00

So tonight for dinner I made:
Green smoothie with collards, kale, mustard and spinach, 3 bananas, berry blend, flax oil, agave.
Then I made a carrot dish with carrot ribbons(peeler), raisins, almonds, raw almond butter, Braggs apple cider vinegar, cinnamon, ginger and juice from an orange.
Next was a salad of baby spinach, portabellas, Bragg's Amino Acids, pepper, sea salt, olive oil, fresh lemon juice, sesame seeds and sunflower seeds.
2 of the three Thorn kids tried green smoothie. Littlest liked and wanted more. Middle Thorn was okay on smoothie, didn't like carrot ribbon salad. Mr. Thorn had seconds on all but smoothie(we had large glass before meal.)
So that is a peek in our new food life. I can tell I will get addicted to the Bragg's. I tossed the spinach with my hands and I can still smell it. Yum. I didn't have much non-raw today so I need to be careful. Breakfast I had a slice of sprouted bread and some raw honey. That was it. Oh, and our sun tea jar leaks so we need to take that back.
I hope I am not going "what have I done?" a week from now. I swore I would never be vegan again. I'm totally NOT doing this for the planet, just so's ya know. I don't want anyone thinking I went all hippie. I'm still a flag-waving, conservative, trad catholic. I will need a food processor soon. My hand hurts after the carrots.

We are going RAW, baby!(Sort of...)

2009-06-28T21:46:00.005-05:00

I put it off, it has been in the back of my brain for over a year now and today, we took the first step. Tomorrow night is my NFP refresher course. Yesterday was a sucky day in that the whole, missing the twins, aging doom, everything came crashing down. This afternoon, we went to Trader Joe's and Whole Foods and I am now the proud owner of the first items to start my journey into eating raw. Mr. Thorn is my sort of unwilling partner in crime on this. We started out with baby steps. I have some grains, raw nuts, raw almond butter, sprouted bread, a jar to make sun tea, lots of greens, frozen berries and some add-ins like flax oil and seeds. I'm ready to take this fertility thing by the horns. Okay, hopefully my health and body will come along for the ride. I prayed that God would lead me and direct me in something I could do to transform our lives. I need health and wellness and my normal body back. I will post on our journey and hope we stay strong and motivated. I was vegan many years ago so this isn't totally foreign to me. Mr. Thorn, he was a meat and potato guy so keep him in your prayers. He may lose it on me. I will prepare the foods and gradually add them into our weekly meal plans and hope for the best. I'm trusting God on the homeschool AND this new raw diet.
I was very inspired back when I read Lyn Vaccaro's writings online about how the raw diet helped her overcome her history of miscarriage and she went on to have two successful pregnancies at 42 and 45 thanks to the raw diet. I have her blog on my sidebar and she has so much good info on infertility, diet and aging. It's all worthwhile to read.
I made our first smoothies with kale, collards, spinach, berries, bananas, flax seeds, flax oil and apples tonight. Eventually, we may need a more high powered blender. It was much better after I added the bananas. Before it was too "kale-ish". So I put the leftovers in the fridge for morning. I am hoping to order at least one book to help with recipes and stocking our pantry. We are going by the Internet and winging it a bit. I hope we can do this on our budget and with our time available. I think this diet has come a long way in the past 5 years thanks to the Internet. There are many how-to videos and articles plus some easy recipes.
So there you have it. I am going to try and report back each week so you can see our progress and hopefully, it will help someone else.

They would be here

2009-06-27T12:20:00.005-05:00

I have been quiet and to myself lately. Thankfully, God has kept me busy with work, kids and homeschool things. I would have been 39 weeks with the twins. I went to Sam's the other night and just as I started to approach what I came for, twin newborn girls, perfect in a stroller and I had to find a place to run for cover. I thought my grief was essentially over. I know it never totally goes away but the baby items are arriving in the mail. The coupons, freebies, etc. This constant reminder of what will never be. I don't have "someone" who knows this pain and often I just feel selfish. Then guilty. When things at home aren't perfect or peaceful, it seems Satan is just pounding me with the "you couldn't handle it" feeling. I hope for a miracle. I try to support and pray for others, pregnant and trying. I search for something to hope for. I turn the news off. I ask the Blessed Mother to intercede and help me to find comfort and a way to cope. I know I am not using my pain wisely, more guilt. I want to use this to motivate me to get healthy, lose weight, get serious about conception and maintaining a pregnancy. What if it is all in vain, again? Why would a loving God want me to try and sacrifice and fail again? Why do we still hope for life? Why do I?
I can't move on. I have tried. Our family feels incomplete. I have always felt there will be another child, so I kept hope. I did just conceive twins 8 months ago. How do you hope for a miracle and stay positive? It doesn't make sense. It is hard when most of the homeschool families have babies and toddlers so there is a reminder and a hope that continues even when my sensible self is telling me to let go, move on, don't do this to yourself. As my arms yearn to hold babies that have never arrived, I try to keep busy and not let too much silence enter. That is when the tears come and the reality hits hard. I hope God understands why I busy myself. Why I find diversions and keep them up. Suffering is different when you don't know the end of the story.
(Also, I couldn't get my labs done for the hormonal screen because I never had better than a 6 this month. I am meeting with an NFP/Creighton practitioner on Monday so I am hoping for something to calm my nerves and feeling of doom)

Wow and wow.

2009-06-22T09:44:00.003-05:00

I felt so overwhelmed with emotion yesterday. Busy day, so I am just now getting to blog about it. We had a special anniversary Mass at Sacred Heart in Cincinnati(Camp Washington). Father Mario Ruazi was the celebrant for the Mass. This was the Perosi Mass that had been planned that finally happened. Just beautiful. Father said the last time he had celebrated this Mass was about 40 years ago. Father Hernandez was the homilist and talked of passing these ancient traditions to our famiies and children and keeping them alive in the Cincinnati region for 20 years. It was beyond words that we were able to be there as a family and with a packed church. I thanked God for this occasion and will remember it for a long time to come. It solidified my feelings toward this parish, the traditional Mass and the path we are on.
We had a great reception afterwards, lots of great homemade food and well over 100 people stayed for this(even though it was Father's Day). We visited friends, went to my parents for steak dinner and came home to do the weekly schedule. My house is still a mess but we did get the important things accomplished. Today we are doing a co-op Latin class so we will see how this goes.

Baby that refused to die

2009-06-19T06:11:00.002-05:00

How my baby defied doctors and refused to die

Makes me wonder about my own pregnancies. I believed everything the doctors told me...
What a great ending thogh.

Welcome news

2009-06-18T13:01:00.001-05:00

New Covington Schola
H/T to Mr. Leonardi.

Life really, really fast

2009-06-17T08:15:00.002-05:00

Another Latin lesson today and middle son is boycotting homework. Lovely. This is not a good sign and I am glad we are doing this test run with a few subjects. I will need to research how to deal with this from an asperger's mom point of view. I can't fight this, for sure. Too much going on.
I missed the Eucharistic Procession this weekend as a result of a really bad reaction to mold in some items from our old house. I was lucky to make it to Mass Sunday. Most of my friends went and I hope there are more opportunities like this. It shows some promise in our diocese.
I have a co-op meeting tonight for next school year. We hope this goes well. I'm still nervous about our curriculum consult being in late August. I don't know if I can keep them busy that long with no books. We have two subjects over the summer and I will have to add more if need be.
I have been doing really bad on the cycle thing this month. Day 18 and no sign of anything 8 or 10 related. No idea, could be stress. I need to go back and get some refresher lessons. I was supposed to get hormonal testing on P+3. Sigh. Frustrating.

Long time, no blog

2009-06-10T12:40:00.003-05:00

Busy, busy, busy. I have had a crazy week. We have been busy with homeschool Latin, planning, first Saturday, cleaning and other various tasks and errands. This running a business and homeschooling is going to get tricky. I have had to have "news free days" over the last week just to keep my sanity. I don't know how regular my blogging will be. We were supposed to start Latin classes at Old St Mary's this week and something crazy happened and no one returned phone calls about what the decision was on time, place, etc. So we started Prima Latina here this week and are now on Lesson 2 plus finished all pronunciation. I tried to go over what conjugating and declensions today and they flipped out. We will need to scale that back a bit. I'm dealing with issues the boys teachers have had(no raising hand, calling out, etc) and I need to find a consistent way to handle this. I can tell I will also need to do something fun to make this stick and keep their interest long term. Now that we aren't traveling for Latin class, I need to come up with a long term schedule. Sticking it in various places isn't working. I have to, have to keep my kids on a schedule down to the half hour from morning until bed. Even for weekends. So that is my project this week. Make Latin fun, finish schedule and somewhere in there, make some money to pay bills. This is daunting.

If you are catholic in name only...

2009-06-02T06:06:00.002-05:00

Great article and quotes here.

Guest Opinion: Are You Really Catholic?

“In a culture which embraces an agenda of death, Catholics and Catholic institutions are necessarily counter-cultural. If we as individuals or our Catholic institutions are not willing to accept the burdens and the suffering necessarily involved in calling our culture to reform, then we are not worthy of the name Catholic.”

Next move in life

2009-05-30T13:59:00.002-05:00

We are finished with school and moving into the next chapter with homeschool. I went to the first mom's meeting and we have most of our summer planned out now. We will be starting Latin a week from Monday and hope to start our summer history in late June. The assessments need to be finished and shipped back this weekend. So much to do plus keep my business afloat. I would love to quit work, just not at the peril of living in a cardboard box somewhere. I prayed too hard about this to look back. My oldest finished the school year with honors and awards that I never dreamed possible for him. I have to say, to the credit of the staff there, they transformed my child into one that loves learning. He had an amazing teacher and I am grateful that he was there this year. As things go, we had to decide what works for the entire family. My youngest was bored and wound up helping her brothers with homework. My middle child fell behind, struggled and didn't make friends. So that sums up the school year in a nutshell.
Right now we are praying about joining a co-op with some other moms that would meet once a week. The kids are anxious to meet other kids that they would have something in common. I will post more on our family blog about this.
Today I am working, sewing, tackling admin. and we will probably have a cookout for dinner. I am helping another mom plan a road trip to some shrines for later this year. I hope it goes well. I haven't been there in almost 15 years. I know my kids will love it.
Sigh. Back to work.

We are Marxist by Russian standards. Sigh.

2009-05-30T13:42:00.004-05:00

American capitalism gone with a whimper

Then their faith in God was destroyed, until their churches, all tens of thousands of different "branches and denominations" were for the most part little more then Sunday circuses and their televangelists and top protestant mega preachers were more then happy to sell out their souls and flocks to be on the "winning" side of one pseudo Marxist politician or another. Their flocks may complain, but when explained that they would be on the "winning" side, their flocks were ever so quick to reject Christ in hopes for earthly power. Even our Holy Orthodox churches are scandalously liberalized in America.

Lord, help us. Now that I am homeschooling, I will be going underground.

iConfess

2009-05-27T15:29:00.002-05:00

This has made the blog rounds but I figured I would post here in case you haven't seen it. Love this...

Better late than whatever...

2009-05-22T13:41:00.001-05:00

83: Bishops Opposing Obama Honor Continue to Surface Following ND Commencement

Update from the doc

2009-05-21T14:54:00.004-05:00

I went to dr. I thought I was worse off than he did(I don't know if that is a good sign). He wants to focus on the hormone issue that is causing me to miscarry. I feel I have underlying adrenal and thyroid issues, as did my last doc, but we are only dealing with one thing at a time. So I need a hormone screen starting on P+3 and going every other day to P+12. Mind you, this is with my three kids in tow. Hmm. I got to do it. He doesn't want me losing a lot of weight. Weh. I was hoping that I would be able to get back on my food plan and shed some of my "I've had it with catholic schools, miscarriage and the government, gimme something salty-sweet-then salty then sweet" thing I got caught in. So I will come up with a plan to take better care of myself without shocking my body.
After this screen, we will come up with a plan that I need to stay on for one cycle before we try to achieve again. He also said I have endo until proven otherwise. My OB/GYN never looked into that so that could have caused my M/C this whole time. But I have a plan, a direction and I will follow along whilst praying if this is what God wants for me. In the end, I just want to go where He leads.

On another note, I received the assessment package and enrollment info for homeschool today. We are going to try and tackle these this weekend. Pant pant pant. What have I got myself into?

Holy Day Mass at 7 pm

2009-05-21T14:53:00.003-05:00

For the locals. TLM at Sacred Heart in Camp Washington.

Back to the baby board

2009-05-20T12:44:00.003-05:00

I have a NFP/dr appointment. Now granted, I have thyroid and adrenal issues I need to take care of but I can't believe I am going back into this minefield. I hate to admit I don't have good charting. I haven't been temping since my M/C. I know I will get scolded for these things. I believe I had a good 10CL on CD12 and 13 this month which is awesome for me. I used to be CD 17 or worse. I will keep you all posted on what comes of this. I have a designer friend of mine who has had 4 M/C and is preg in 16 weeks. Sometimes hope sucks. I mean that to be part humorous and part serious. I still have hope. At 41 with 3 miscarriages under my belt, I still believe we may welcome another life some day. I need to get back to praying about this more. Most of my energy has been focused in praying for some other people close to me and for my blog friends that they may get and maintain a pregnancy. What if I still can? What if God is leading me there? I don't know anymore. I'm going into the wild blue with this homeschool thing so who knows.
My diet stinks. Stress does that to me. I cannot get healthy and pregnant(and carry to term) alone. No way. It will take serious divine intervention on this. Ora pro nobis.

No regrets

2009-05-20T06:43:00.004-05:00

...at least not at the present. We are trying to muddle through the last week or so of school. I had an "oh no, anything but that" moment when one of my children told me they would be waving "streamers in a procession" before Mass on Friday. Yes, I was sure they were turning my child into a liturgical dancer. They know we are traditional, regardless, it doesn't sit well with me. I have decided it is not worth calling the school to battle why flags and streamers are being used during Mass. My kids don't want to do these things, sometimes it is forced on them(or they don't know what they are getting into) and they begged me to homeschool them for the rest of the year(hello, 8 days left). Sometimes they raise their hands to do something(in other words, get picked) only to find their assignment is actually happening during the holy sacrifice of the Mass. It is beyond frustrating.
I'm sure, God in his goodness knew I was having doubts, scared, wanting to trust. He just wanted to make sure I plow forward with no doubts. The catholic school system needs our attention and our prayers. My kids have been made fun of for abstaining on Fridays(they are having hot dogs this week and we can't pack peanut butter....nut free school), wearing scapulars, not wanting to play "bells" immediately after communion...the list goes on and on. I called the school once to voice my concerns and realized it was not going to result in any change so I gave up and prayed that God lead our family where He desired us to be. There have been some major security issues that have prompted our homeschool decision as well. There are "many" non-catholics at the school which would be okay if they played by the rules and are not behavioral issues. So, we are blazing into homeschooling and I just can't look back at how we could have made it better.
If we parents, who send our children to catholic schools for the "catholic" education are silenced, as many of us are, what you have left are marginal, liberal and non-catholic parents(and children) to support the catholic school system. We give up, turn to homeschool. However, this movement of homeschoolers is necessary to continue a generation of catholics who live their faith and hold it to be the most important part of their education. These children will not be able to influence other(children) because the authentic catholic teaching, devotionals and the fiber of what makes us catholic has been removed from the schools. We had good, devoted priests at this school but that cannot correct the daily teaching and influence of irreverence when they are not present. We leave the school system here in Covington with a heavy heart but I could no longer justify keeping them somewhere they feel uncomfortable and embarrassed by their faith. I know other parents have been in my shoes. The difference is I have special needs children and still have to run my business while homeschooling. Unless, by the grace of God, I gain super powers, I may be in the middle of the street, buzzed on caffeine and drooling in a big heap by this time next year. I have no way of knowing what lies ahead.

"If you want your kids to defend their Faith send them to a public school, if you want them to lose their Faith send them to a Catholic School."
-- Archbishop Fulton Sheen

A little late but okay

2009-05-15T06:53:00.001-05:00

More Americans “Pro-Life” Than “Pro-Choice” for First Time
New Gallup poll. Do look. Amazing results.

I had to share...

2009-05-14T15:37:00.004-05:00

A fellow parishoner took this during the first communion last week. I am not able to share many photos here(making an exception with this one). For those of you following our personal blog, I posted the full lot of the photos from the entire day. If you didn't get the link, leave a comment with email(I won't publish) and I will send it over. I think I am caught up sending the link but if something happened and you didn't get it, let me know.
Isn't the church wonderful? It is refreshing to feel at home in a parish. I hope to get more photos myself this weekend during the may crowning.

Divide and conquer

2009-05-14T15:09:00.007-05:00

Exactly what the socialist wants. I worked cafeteria today but didn't pay much attention to the news. I have decided that liberal catholics are feeling marginalized and are choking on their peace, love and justice as they melt. If those catholics that voted(knowing and deliberately) for the king, accepting he is pro-death, committed mortal sin(as Archbp. Burke has commented on) what do we have left? Oh wait, sin doesn't exist.
I do believe God is allowing this to happen because in the end, you are either for God or against Him. You are either for the truth or get sucked into the pool of "compassion" and lies. This may be the turning point in the life of the American Roman Catholic. Perhaps a pruning of dead shoots. Anyway, I need to sew a ton of orders and had to type out loud. One of those days.

I don't know who is more anxious

2009-05-13T08:55:00.003-05:00

The kids or me. The end of the school year is full of crazy stuff. Field trips, projects, music stuff and I am trying to figure out how I am going to adapt to a new lifestyle. When they come home, that's it. They are home for good. My hope is that homeschool will transform behaviors and self-esteem. I am trusting God this time and this is almost as "heavy duty" as when I trusted God by getting married instead of entering a convent. I have no idea what will happen. I can put other people(okay, my kids) on a schedule but I am not so good at it. Mostly because I have been working for myself now for 8 years. So in a way, I will be on a clock. We are sending in the registration this week and hope to get curriculum in June.

I have actually started a personal blog(where I don't have to write under a pen name) to share stories of home life, fertility, homeschool and autism. Mr. Thorn is *supposed* to be jumping in soon to post. For those that follow this blog that would like me to send you the link, just leave an email in the comments(I won't publish) and I will send you the link. We just needed a place to share pictures and be more in depth with our journey. So there you have it.

There is also a woman we know who has been instrumental with education and homeschool who is in the hospital and very sick. Please keep her in your prayers.

Adoption

2009-05-09T17:21:00.001-05:00

Fr. Corapi video on Notre Dame

2009-05-07T18:34:00.000-05:00

Our bishop's name still missing

2009-05-07T17:40:00.002-05:00

List of Bishops Opposing the Notre Dame Invitation and Award to President Obama
None of our local media has heard a peep from Foys on the Notre Dame issue. Frustrating and bishops more liberal than he have signed on. I suppose it won't happen. Do people in the rest of the country see what a wishy-washy malaise I live in(Covington)? Sigh.
What kind of example is this for our young people or for those parents considering college? I'm just saying...

Fertility and carbs

2009-05-06T12:10:00.002-05:00

Fat, Carbs and the Science of Conception
I stumbled on this article and found it fascinating! It is a legit study of how slower/faster digested carbs affect the ability to conceive and stay pregnant.
It reminded me that my diet is bad again and needs to change. Lord, help me with this.

St. Gianna and First Communion

2009-05-04T16:15:00.003-05:00

O Jesus, I promise you to submit myself to all that you permit to happen to me; only make me know your will.
Saint Gianna Beretta Molla

I am busy catching up on orders and life today after a very busy weekend. The first holy communion for the littlest Thorn was beautiful. All the sufferings and anguish was worth that one day. I have to thank Jesus for such a beautiful day. So many things could have happened but the day was very memorable and lovely.

I finally got some "clear as a bell" signs to homeschool so we are on our way. I will post more on this later. We have no idea what we are in for. I'm sure of that. I am trusting God blindly on this one. Money, room to teach, sanity, my business...these are all unknowns to me. For now, I will be patient, wait on the Lord and hope that I stand strong against whatever lies ahead.

Pain is real(finding hope)

2009-04-30T08:07:00.006-05:00

I should be excited about the upcoming first communion. I have been crying, upset by things that I really have no control over. The closer I get to the day the twins would have been born, the more heartbreak and hurt I feel. I try not to bring down those around me because they can't possibly understand what I am going through. How many women have lost 4 babies in less than three years? Because of our anti-life society, I am expected to suck it up and get over it. This last one(miscarriage) was harder. I am getting older, my kids(especially my youngest) still so much want another little one in our family.

To those who wonder why I would want to be pregnant again, who think I cause to much pain to my family, my children and those around me, I offer this explanation. How would we ever know of God's mercy and goodness if He didn't allow pain, loss and suffering? With what would we compare? Sometimes I forget to thank God for the suffering, storms and torment because it is through these experiences that I see the blessings and miracles God gives me. The "storms" have been coming at rapid-fire speed lately. I search for comfort and find little or none. My mom has reminded me that when the torments come often and in numbers, something good is about to happen. The evil one somehow knows this and wants to disturb our soul and cast doubt. It is hard to see when I am in the thick of it, but I know this is true. One day, when I am brave, I will share some of these occurrences. Not for myself but because I know others suffer through such supernatural torments and there is very little(online) to give comfort. Trust me, I have looked. In the meantime, I am going to try and stay focused on my family, homeschool prep, my business and my faith(in not any particular order).

There is a branch on our huge shade tree that broke off(dead) during the hurricane last year. It has new leaves budding on it. We had rose bushes in our front yard that never bloomed or grew much more than a stub. This spring, they are huge(huge-huge). On the other hand, the tiny pine that I bought from Harry and David as a memory tree for the twins, died. Not as my will sees fit but as You will, Father. God can give life and hope where there is none. I see these things around me and hope they help for now.

Wild weekend

2009-04-27T07:02:00.003-05:00

We have no A/C(again). My little one was bit by a neighbors dog last night(not restrained) and I'm quite exhausted. But, on the upside, I do not have the swine flu. I cannot get ahead of my business orders, which is frustrating. I need to have a whole day of solid work where I am not tired. I have to take my son to the local hospital here for an appointment and I hope they don't stab us with vaccines as we walk in the door. This was the main reason for not taking my daughter to the hospital last night. She hasn't been vaccinated, is autism-free and I would like to keep it that way.
We had a meeting with Father yesterday to make sure she was ready to make her first communion yesterday. It went well, he tried to trip her up a few times but she left disappointed he didn't ask her some of the questions she was ready for. I'm relatively cool right now. We went to Walmart and bought 2 new fans just in case, and we are using them. I will have to find a way to offer up any sufferings this week. I just need to feel morre motivation(from some energy fairy).
I did want to update that while Fr. Ruazi is better, I do not think he is having Mass Sunday(unless he doesn't know it...haha). So this weekend, the special Mass is in the air. I just wanted to update on that.

Perosi and the Mass at Sacred Heart

2009-04-24T12:41:00.003-05:00

For those who are local(Cincinnati), Sacred Heart will feature a traditional Mass on May the 3rd based on the composition of Don Lorenzo Perosi in which Father Mario Ruazi will be the celebrant. The Mass begins at 11:30. I'm sure this is rare to our region and we are excited to have such a gift at our parish.

First communion, time to be counted(Notre Dame) and baby dreams

2009-04-22T08:47:00.004-05:00

We are finally getting the invitations out for the first communion today. I hope we have a decent turnout. I have no way of knowing. The caterer isn't returning our calls so I pray that we get that taken care of(somehow). Being thrown back into life is creepy. Necessary but creepy. I was anxious while I was away, knowing I had so much to do here and wasn't working.

We also have the school decision looming over the whole family. I have been waiting for God to hit me over the head with the answer and I can tell you, it's been mostly mixed signals. My oldest son is getting wonderful grades. A far cry from his old school where he was feeling totally lost and overwhelmed. My middle son is struggling and not making any friends and is really quite on the edge of missing everything important. My youngest is bored and talks a lot(but gets straight A's). So that leaves me with what can I do. I still have to run my business and can't totally give that up to home school. I have special needs boys who struggle with academics as well as some behavioral issues. When it gets down to it, it's just me and them. People will say they will help or be there but I can't count on it. I need to make sure I can do this totally alone, while running my business and keeping up with the household. If I didn't have to work, it would be a no-brainer.

It saddens me to think of our dreams of another child, adoption, etc. That is an unknown and I have had trouble visiting that issue. I have not had time to deal with "me", including my health or fertility. I have put everyone else first since the losing the twins. I really feel everyone has given up on me every carrying a baby to term let alone getting pregnant again. Not having hope in something is a scary place to be. I have always said "keep hoping and keep faith in God's plan for you". I haven't seen signs of a light at the end of the tunnel for our family(and our hopes for a baby). There is a fine balance of hoping for life and becoming selfish about the matter. I have three children, I have lost 4, I hope for one. Some days I feel selfish, some days I have no hope. Some days I read stories about my blog friends who have been given a cross of infertility and my heart breaks and I pray that my suffering and loss be offered up so they may know and be given the gift of life they so desire. I didn't mean to go off on the fertility/miscarriage road but it is obviously a factor in our lives or I could lay it to rest. I am not at peace with it. I apologize to God every day for this.

On another note, I am living in a diocese where our bishop has NOT made a statement of any kind on the Notre Dame scandal. Either he has no opinion, doesn't care or doesn't want to hurt some one's feelings who voted for Obama. Who knows. It's gets me worked up that people give him a pass. What kind of leader is that? Have an opinion, stand firm for Holy Mother Church and her traditions and what it means to be Catholic. I'm tired of Covington pretending to be protestant. I see it in the Mass and in the attitude of the people. It's too milk toast for me(and many). Be catholic in all areas of life. Period.

***The bishops who have so far expressed disapproval of Notre Dame's invitation to Obama (in alphabetical order) are:
1. Bishop John D'Arcy - Fort Wayne-South Bend, IN
2. Bishop Samuel Aquila - Fargo, ND
3. Bishop Gregory Aymond - Austin, TX
4. Bishop Gerald Barbarito - Palm Beach, FL
5. Bishop Leonard Blair - Toledo, OH
6. Archbishop Daniel Buechlein - Indianapolis, IN
7. Bishop Robert Baker - Birmingham, AL
8. Bishop Fabian Bruskewitz - Lincoln, NE
9. Archbishop Eusebius Beltran - Oklahoma City, OK
10. Auxiliary Bishop Oscar Cantú - San Antonio, TX
11. Bishop Paul Coakley - Salina, KS
12. Cardinal Daniel DiNardo - Houston, TX
13. Archbishop Timothy Dolan - New York, NY
14. Bishop Thomas Doran - Rockford, IL
15. Auxiliary Bishop John Dougherty - Scranton, PA
16. Bishop Robert Finn - Kansas City-St. Joseph, MO
17. Cardinal Francis George - Chicago, IL; President, USCCB
18. Bishop Gerald Gettelfinger - Evansville, IN
19. Archbishop José Gomez - San Antonio, TX
20. Bishop William Higi - Lafayette, IN
21. Archbishop Alfred Hughs - New Orleans, LA
22. Bishop Joseph Latino - Jackson, MS
23. Bishop Jerome Listecki - La Crosse, WI
24. Bishop William E. Lori - Bridgeport, CT
25. Bishop George Lucas - Springfield, IL
26. Bishop Robert Lynch - St. Petersburg, FL
27. Bishop Joseph Martino - Scranton, PA
28. Bishop Charles Morlino - Madison, WI
29. Bishop George Murry - Youngstown, OH
30. Archbishop John J. Myers - Newark, NJ
31. Bishop R. Walker Nickless - Sioux City, IA
32. Archbishop John C. Nienstedt - St. Paul-Minneapolis, MN
33. Archbishop Edwin O'Brien - Baltimore, MD
34. Bishop Thomas Olmsted - Phoenix, AZ
35. Archbishop Daniel E. Pilarczyk - Cincinnati, OH
36. Bishop Kevin Rhoades - Harrisburg, PA
37. Bishop Alexander Sample - Marquette, MI
38. Bishop Edward J. Slattery - Tulsa, OK
39. Bishop Richard Stika - Knoxville, TN
40. Bishop Anthony Taylor - Little Rock, AR
41. Bishop Robert Vasa - Baker, OR
42. Bishop Thomas Wenski - Orlando, FL

I need to catch up with all my orders. I hope to read up on blogs I missed while I was away later tonight.
(***From lifesitenews.com)

A Florida update

2009-04-18T07:42:00.003-05:00

I have been negligent in updating my blog. We have been in the Tampa Bay area for over a week and the place we are staying has no wifi. We had to upgrade our phone account so I could keep up with business matters and I have been doing little else on the computer. We are heading back today and I will have to face a pile of backlogged orders that accumulated while we were gone. We were able to attend the Tampa Tea Party this week and I will post some photos when I have time this week. The fervor was different than the one in Cincinnati in March. People are more passionate and upset by the arrogance of government. I will have to brave the unknown tonight and go to a ...gulp...Saturday night Mass. It is that or miss Mass completely. We will be on the road for over 18 hours and have no idea where we will be and when we will be there. I will try and update on the road, if we have the capability. It's been a rough trip on the "kid front". I think my family knows why I am hesitant to home school. The got a taste of my life and it wasn't pretty. Our public and private lives are very different. We try to be as normal and productive as we can. Some days I wave the white flag a lot sooner than others.

Rant.

2009-04-01T21:10:00.003-05:00

I had a rough day. First, I had a supernatural not so nice event that kind of kicked off the horrid stuff. I knew at that point to be careful and I kept my Benedictine crucifix close by. I was supposed to meet my brother for a drink and dinner in a local place that I had "a lot" of gift certificates for that were to expire. We get there, sit down, waited a long time for someone to take our order. Ordered a beer, then food. I have 3 times the amount of gift certificates compared to the amount of food we ordered. We ask for the bill and I presented my gift certificates and the owner refused to take them. Okay then. Thankfully, I was just with my brother at the time but regardless, this situation warranted me becoming firm and standing my ground. I would not have come to this place if I hadn't had the gift certificates. I purchased them from a local radio station during a promotion and paid "real money" to get these. I come home, miffed, in tears, told my husband, he wasn't happy. So I am looking them up on the Internet to see if anyone else had problems with this place and came across a group in Northern KY called "Drinking Liberally" that is meeting at this place tomorrow night. Hmm, wonder if he will offer this group any "deals"? Mind you, the owner wouldn't even give us a couple bucks off or well, anything. He actually wanted me to feel sorry for him because he made a stupid business decision in advertising with this radio station. Wow, that's a liberal. I'm out all this money for gift certificates and now, not so good food, and he is playing the victim. Thankfully, my brother's burger was good. My food, not so much. Whatever. Sorry for the rant. Liberals are about to put me over the edge. Blaming a customer for running their business shabbily. Unreal. So I am out around $74 for bad food and to support a place that isn't making wise business choices(and supporting democrat candidates for congress...woohoo). If I didn't rant here, I think I would have imploded. I know God allowed it to happen. For the record, I didn't swear, I didn't raise my voice and I kept my cool better than I thought I was capable. On the other hand, I have, as a business owner, given customers free shipping, gifts, shipping upgrades, rush service, taken expired gift certificates, etc., in the name of ethics and customer service. I guess that is what put me over the edge. Knowing I would never treat a customer like I was treated tonight(like a criminal). The moral of the story is, be careful eating and drinking in a "liberal" establishment. He really felt like he was the victim and there was no convincing him otherwise. Eater beware. Now, back to my "trying to behave" Lent.

Overheard while doing homework...

2009-04-01T16:18:00.002-05:00

The kids were going over homework at the kitchen table. The middle child said to the other two "If your brain and your soul could switch places, you would see God immediately."

Hmm. That made me think. Kids.

Today I saw an old man pray...

2009-03-29T17:46:00.004-05:00

...and he took longer to pray than he did to eat. He had so much to say and his prayer went on forever. He had a very small, inexpensive meal but he must have been so thankful for it. I tried not to look. I didn't want to impose on a private moment between he and God. But God allowed me to be a part. Seeing that our family had more than enough to eat, nice clothes to wear and so much to be thankful for. But do I pray to thank God for longer than the security of having these things? Do I thank Him every time we are able to purchase things, pay bills, drive our car or fix things around our house? No. So much I take for granted that I don't want to. To pray longer than it takes to eat a meager meal...it was something that touched me. No sign of the cross, maybe not catholic, didn't matter. He was a thankful soul and more gracious toward his Creator than I may ever be.
Now as I try to find something for dinner in the house, I'm coming up empty. We haven't been to the store in a long time. Busy with taxes, business, life. Somehow I feel guilty that my bread is stale, my refrigerator is full of condiments and I'm frustrated. I'm trying to remember the man that prayed. I have so much to be thankful for. Condiments and stale bread should be okay. I did manage to thank God for that man but my sense of unworthiness will last for a long time to come.

Great music for .99 cents

2009-03-24T16:31:00.003-05:00

99 Perfectly Relaxing Songs

The music list is amazing. Buy this(it's a download). It's 99 cents.
Some highlights:
Salve Regina [Domenico Scarlatti] Choeur de Chambre de Sofia
Prayers. Rorate Cali desuper Mode I Moines de Santo Domingo de Silos
Ave Maria The Children's Choir of St. Marc - Les petits Chanteurs de Saint-Marc
IV. The Promised Land - Portas caeli: Offertory, 8th Mode Benedictine Nuns of Sainte Marie de Maumont

I'm listening to this now. It will be the best 99 cents you've spent.(Now I feel like a car salesman.)

Patriotism. It's a lifestyle.

2009-03-18T14:29:00.002-05:00

"It does not take a majority to prevail... but rather an irate, tireless minority, keen on setting brushfires of freedom in the minds of men." -Samuel Adams

This nation will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave. ~Elmer Davis

America is much more than a geographical fact. It is a political and moral fact - the first community in which men set out in principle to institutionalize freedom, responsible government, and human equality. ~Adlai Stevenson

America is a passionate idea or it is nothing. America is a human brotherhood or it is chaos. ~Max Lerner, Actions and Passions, 1949

If you are ashamed to stand by your colors, you had better seek another flag. ~Author Unknown

My God! How little do my countrymen know what precious blessings they are in possession of, and which no other people on earth enjoy! ~Thomas Jefferson

To me, being an American means feeling safe. ~Currielene Armstrong

These are the times that try men's souls. The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country; but he that stands it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman.

Our citizenship in the United States is our national character. Our citizenship in any particular state is only our local distinction. By the latter we are known at home, by the former to the world. Our great title is AMERICANS… ~Thomas Paine

Today, our fellow citizens, our way of life, our very freedom came under attack in a series of deliberate and deadly terrorist acts. The victims were in airplanes, or in their offices; secretaries, businessmen and women, military and federal workers; moms and dads, friends and neighbors. Thousands of lives were suddenly ended by evil, despicable acts of terror . . . This is a day when all Americans from every walk of life unite in our resolve for justice and peace. America has stood down enemies before, and we will do so this time. None of us will ever forget this day. Yet, we go forward to defend freedom and all that is good and just in our world. ~President George W. Bush

How can episodes of such savage cruelty happen? The heart of man is an abyss out of which sometimes emerge plots of unspeakable ferocity capable of overturning in an instant the tranquil and productive life of a people. ~Pope John Paul II(regarding 9/11/01)

A politician will do anything to keep his job -- even become a patriot.
William Randolph Hearst

Patriotism is easy to understand in America; it means looking out for yourself by looking out for your country.
Calvin Coolidge

Equal rights for all, special privileges for none ~Thomas Jefferson

Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it. ~ Mark Twain